Suddenly Single Journey

It’s a good look for me…

Author: thenicknick

Not so long ago, I would open my email and it would be all spam.  And while there’s the excitement of mail at all, it’s the equivalent of getting bills or flyers in the snail mailbox.  I opened my email a few minutes ago and it made me laugh and marvel over what an incredible life I have.

I am truly blessed.  Everything is different these days.  See, I still have the same amazing, wonderful, endearing kids.  And I still have the same wonderful bubble buddies.  And I’m still in the apartment, sleeping in the not-so-magical cupboard under the bed.  At the same time, my life is taking on a life of its own.  I’m finally closing in on the life I’ve always dreamed of, worked for, wanted.

When I opened my email, there was a message from Travis about what a great team we are.  I’ll let you decide after you read the post.  (I think it’s a rich blend of my words and his special touches.)  And I’m really looking forward to doing it again.  You know, next time he has a horrible lapse in judgment.

And there was a message from Jolene.  We’re cooking up a little something special.  More to follow.  Suffice it to say, we’re planners and minglers and celebrators.

There were also messages from Single Mommyhood, reminding me of the bigger community I’m a part of.  And there were comments on the blog that needed my approval.  And there were business related emails, writing related emails, networking emails.

So, I was feeling really good.  I mention frequently that I have a rich life.  And I really do.  Somehow, it all comes together.  It all works.  And I’ve truly never been happier.

That’s what I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I was getting ready to go to Kimberly’s surprise party…the one I very nearly ruined with my Facebook status.  David really should have let me know sooner.  (He can’t see it, but I’m shaking my fist at him.)  Anyway…it’s that digression thing again.  I wonder if there’s a pill I can take.  Hmmm.

Well, I was studying my reflection extra hard.  I had walked through Sears and the guys in electronics were joking around and all happy to see me.  (I work around the corner so we get to talk and bond during the week.)  And the manager of the department pulled me aside.

EM: I hope I don’t offend you when I say this.

So, I braced myself.  Let’s face it.  It’s rare that anything nice ever follows that opening.

me: Go on.

He leans in conspiratorially.

EM: You look really hot today.

And I was beaming and blushing and trying to be all easy breezy.  We’re all working on taking compliments better, right?

me: Why thank you.

And so as I studied my reflection, I was trying to figure out what it was.  What was it that made him say that?  I mean, I’m not looking particularly thin today.  I despair of ever reaching my goal weight.  (Could be the Boursin and Tomato Basil Wheat Thins.  Such a misnomer.  No one has ever gotten thin eating those crackers.)  My hair wasn’t particularly different from the rest of the week.   (Although, the fact that it finally resembles hair has made a vast improvement on my self-esteem.)  Sure, I had on some make-up.  I was in street clothes.

Then I saw it.  I’m radiating happiness these days.

I have plans.  Good plans.  And I have goals.  Exciting goals.  And I’m even achieving some of them already.  Most importantly…I have so many wonderful people in my life.  And it’s no accident.  Somehow, I manage to attract the best people.  (Okay, let the record show that I have also managed to attract some ummm unsavory people…but I do know how to get rid of them.)

Now, back to my happier thoughts.

The night was everything I thought it would be.  Oh, except for the dinner, which was so much more.  There were nine of us.  Yup.  And I was the only non-relative.  It was an honor.  (And just a little bit nerve wracking.)  And then after dinner was her version of birthday cake.  Ummm.  I still haven’t had cake since that fateful day.  So, I was thrilled that David bought cheesecake, which was just my speed.

We ended up at Sports Connection after eating.  The plan was to go bowling.  To suggest that I am not a bowler would be a gross understatement.  In fact, Carrie, their seven year old daughter, beat me by fifteen pins.  I have a few explanations for how that was possible.  The first being that she dropped a bowling ball on not one, but square on top of both of my feet before we even began, thereby eliminating me as competition.  And the second, even more plausible, is that she had the benefit of bumpers blocking her gutters.  That would have made a world of difference.

It isn’t that Carrie is this amazing phenom.  Trust me.  Her ball went rocketing down the lane at a whopping 3.5 miles per hour.  And most of the time it looked more like she was playing pinball than bowling the way it ricocheted off the bumpers.  There’s a distinct possibility that had the need arisen, I could probably have gone to the restroom, peed, washed my hands, grabbed a fresh soda, and taken a seat in the time it took her ball to leave her hand and make contact with any pins.

So, yeah.  We had a blast.  And I’m going to savor what little weekend is left before returning to work on Monday.  Yup.  I’m making every second count.  Hope you do, too.

Quick Karma:

• frolic
  

February 6th, 2010  |  Posted in Reflections  |  8 Comments »

So much for down time…

Author: thenicknick

I cannot adequately express the enthusiasm with which I greet the onset of each weekend.  See, each weekend has its own special flavor.  Every weekend, I try to limit my commitments because, let’s face it, I’m scheduled enough during the week.  Who wants to be on the clock on days off?

By Thursday night, it was evident that I had somehow managed to book my ENTIRE weekend.  And I don’t know how it happened.  And I wouldn’t change any of those engagements for anything.  And I know I will have a lot of fun, but I also will not be as productive as I would like to be.

So, Friday was a birthday dinner with Cris.  And, it’s now becoming something of a tradition that our dinners occur on the ugliest nights.  Yup.  Rain.  In fact, raining cats and dogs to be precise.  We’re trying out a new place.  (Well, it’s new to me…Cosmos.)  I think he just likes it because he’s a martini drinker.  Only he was in the mood for mojitos and they don’t serve them.  And apparently we wore out our server because they brought in the second string guy who actually served like he was in the majors.  He kept pouring more coke into my glass, so I liked him a lot.

We were done the meal, but engrossed in conversation when the new guy called.  I had sent him a text to let him know that I had made it to the restaurant safely.  I knew that message would ease his mind.  It had been raining all day and if the temperature dropped a few slight degrees less, there was the danger of freezing rain and snow.

NG: How are the roads?

me: Good.  Just wet.  No big deal.

NG: You still out?

me: Yeah, should be heading out within the next half hour.  I’m done eating and Cris had a liquid dinner.

NG: Please be careful driving home.

me: I will.  And I’ve only been drinking coke.

NG: Just please be careful.

me: I promise you, I’ll be fine.  No worries.  And I’ll text you when I get home to let you know I’m safe.

Cris was staring at me when I ended the call.  He was…shocked.  And I know there may come a time when all this concern is an annoyance, but right now, it makes me feel pretty damn special and cared about.  This is a huge departure from my norm.  Sometimes I don’t know what to do with it.

Okay.  I kinda know.  I’m going to relish it.  I’m going to marvel over it.  I’m going to treasure it.  He’s already changed me.  Because of him I will never ever be able to settle for less than a caring, consistent, devoted, dependable man.  I’ll never be able to accept crumbs again, not when I know there are men who will offer me the whole meal and dessert.  Ahhh.

I have a lot of weekend to look forward to.  By the time most of you read this, I will have had another breakfast date.  And after that, I’m working on having a blogtastic weekend.  See, I wrote a guest post for Travis on A Culminating Life.  It should be over the weekend, so if you just can’t get enough of me…check out his blog.  Or, if you’re just wildly curious, check out his blog.  Or if you just have nothing better to do…check out his blog.  (He’s very good, despite his obvious poor judgment in allowing me a guest post.  Try not to hold it against him.)

And…I am really excited about this…I’m meeting Pippi for coffee.  (Only, as you all know, I will be drinking hot chocolate.)  That’s right.  Finally, a blogger who lives near me.  I’m sure we’re going to be the best of friends.  We’ll braid each other’s hair.  Errr.  Except that we both wear our hair short.  Okay…we’ll share clothes.   Ummm.  Except that she looks significantly thinner than me.  Oh, I know!  We’ll talk about the challenges of raising a teenage girl.  Crap.  She has boys.  Young boys.  Maybe we’ll just talk about blogging.  By George, I think we’ve got it!  Yeah, we have a lot to learn from each other.  And I really am looking forward to it.  I’m at this place in my life where I really value sharing it with good people.  Since I’ve always had this ‘the more the merrier’ attitude, I will always have room in my life for more people.  (Especially bright, shiny, talented, new people!)  Thank you for finding me, Pippi!

So, may you have a weekend filled with love, laughter, and friends.  May you find plenty to celebrate.  And may you stay dry.

Quick Karma:

• open up, dive in, be free
  

February 6th, 2010  |  Posted in Reflections  |  14 Comments »

How quickly life changes…

Author: thenicknick

I used to have this discussion with Sam.  (Yes, I mentioned him by name.  And I guess maybe that’s because, like in the Harry Potter movies…I’m not afraid of him anymore.  He holds no power over me.)  This is how the discussion inevitably went…

Sam: I like you all strong and confident.  Maybe you’re just submissive in relationships.

Ha.  That wasn’t it.  So I felt compelled to explain.

me: No, but if you want me strong and confident you have to give me something you’ve never given me.  You look at Spring and Jay and think about how they shouldn’t be together, all the challenges to their relationship, all the arguments.  All I know is that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, they have something you’ve never given me.  They love each other and want to be together.

The last time I told him that, he accused me of trying to hurt him.  And I guess that sometimes the truth does hurt.

You may wonder what has me thinking about this now.  How does this suddenly come up a month later?  Well, hold on, I’m getting to it…eventually.  Just know that this has nothing to do with Sam and everything to do with me…which is pretty much as it should be.

My life lately has been one revelation after another.  I have been putting out into the world what I need and I have been blessed time and again receiving it.  I asked for a mere distraction.  I wanted someone to come and keep me so preoccupied that I wouldn’t have a moment to think about Sam, about where I was this time last year, about any of it.  I wanted to stop hurting and start moving on.  And the new guy entered my life.

I wrote rules for dating me and expectations for being with me…and without even having to be trained or told or asked or cajoled or guilted into it or anything…the new guy has surpassed my hopes and dreams and expectations.  No one is more surprised than I am.  No one is more shocked and awed than I am.  No one is more appreciative than I am.  And I think I’d be hard pressed to find someone more blessed.

For the first time EVER I am in a relationship with someone who is not only ambitious, but encourages my ambitions.  We reach out to one another constantly without worrying about whether the attentions are unwelcome.  We connect as often as we can.  He truly understands the importance of little gestures as demonstrated regularly.  I could go on and on about how amazing he is and how perfect things are between us, but I think I heard Kimberly throw up a little in her mouth.  Sorry!

All I know is that I get to write to my heart’s content.  I get to blog guilt free and without limitations.  I get to spend time with friends and the kids.  And I still get him, too.  Finally, I’m in a relationship where I’m calm, relaxed, confident, and happy.  What do I do with that?

Just when I thought I was in danger of life being on an even keel, of having no drama to write about, no controversy, no craziness, he dropped it on me.  And I have to applaud him for his honesty, for preparing me.

NG: If this deal goes through like I think it will, it means that I’ll be hired.

me: So, you’ll be her body guard.

NG: Yeah.

And I thought about it for a little while.  He heard my silence, felt my distance.

NG: Sweetie, whatcha thinking about?

me: *sigh* So you’ll be back on the road again.

NG: Yeah.

It was too soon for me to ask what I really wanted to ask.  I really wanted to know what this means to me, to us.  I really wanted to know if it was time to throw a kevlar vest around my heart.  I wanted to know if I should distance myself, prepare for what I saw as inevitable.  Instead, I chose a different route.

me: Well, I guess we just take it day by day then, enjoy the time we have.

NG: Babe, we’re going to work through this.  Some days will be hard.  Some days will be easier.  Somehow, we’ll pull through.

me: *smile* Well, I’ve always believed that anything worth having was worth working for.

In my mind, all I could think was really?  He’s already telling me that at the end of the day, he wants to be with me.  If that’s the case, we’re only missing one key ingredient.  And surely that will come in time.  After all, to know me is to love me.  One of the first things the new guy ever said to me before he even asked for my phone number…

NG: Hmmm.  I thought you were married.

me: Why did you think that?

NG: You are the marrying kind.

He’s told me time and again that he’s not being selfish, that he’ll find a balance.  (So far, so good.)  He’s told me that he’s always going to encourage me and be supportive of my dreams.  (More on that in future posts…)

The last thing he said to me?

NG: Babe, this is going to be a big prosperous year for both of us.  We’re going to get through together.

Together.  I like the sound of that.  And I read blogs of other long distance relationships and think that when it’s the right guy, somehow it does work.  Thank you, T!  Thank you, Martini Mom!  (Umm, maybe we need to call you Milk Mom for the rest of the pregnancy?)  Thank you, Mama Sunshine!  Because of you, I may believe the impossible is possible.

Quick Karma:

• focus on your connection with someone, not on what separates you
  

February 5th, 2010  |  Posted in dating  |  9 Comments »

Right between the eyes…

Author: thenicknick

It used to be something of an expression, right?  Well, it is until you live it.

See, Wednesday was one of THOSE days.  I ended up leaving work later than I expected.  The only redeeming part of the departure was running into the new guy and snagging a kiss.  Score!  Then we had to go our separate ways.  (Have I mentioned how amazing he smells?  I had some of his lingering scent on me as I went to the car and…well, damn!)

I digress.  For a change.

Anyway, we talked the entire time I was running my errands, returning a movie to the Red Box and picking up the three cheese loaf that we’ve grown to love, a bag of Caesar that’s become a staple, and I headed home.  The new guy and I are in a great place with our conversations.  We seem to have achieved a balance of sharing about our day and learning something new about each other at the same time.  So good.

Well, I sat on the couch and finished my conversation with him while the kids pulled out all the ingredients we needed for dinner.  Ahhh.  My five minutes to unwind.  Then we did what we usually do.  Everyone chipped in to help with a part of the meal.

Keenan went to work on making the salad, which was just his speed.  And he still asked some questions.  It was cute.  Rachel went to work on making Kool Aid.  And I was slicing tomatoes and nuking broccoli for the garden couscous.  (Yes, Kimberly, the pasta so good they named it twice.)

Somehow, even though we normally work together pretty well, Rachel was all in the way tonight.  It amazed me because, let’s face it, her contribution to the meal was three ingredients: Kool Aid packet, sugar, and water.  Well, in the process of pouring the sugar, she managed to knock over the couscous.  Little pasta beads were all over the floor.  And I was tired and frustrated.

me: Uh.  Rachel!

Rachel:  Relax.  We have a broom.

me: Yeah, well, I’m not convinced you  know how to use it.

That may have been where I made my mistake.  See, there are so many uses for a broom.  And I should have been way more specific.

She grabbed the broom and began sweeping up the mess.  Part of it she swept ever so neatly onto the dust pan and deposited in the garbage, but some…didn’t quite make it.  I turned in time to see her using big sweeping strokes to brush the offending debris into the carpet.

me: Rachel!  *giggle* This is what I’m talking about!

Rachel covered her face, knowing she’d been caught.

Rachel: I was going to vacuum it up.

me: You broke the vacuum and I haven’t had time to fix it.

Hmmm.  I’m beginning to see a pattern emerging here.

Well, she started to walk away to return the broom to the closet.  She had been texting Justin…the boy she’s been in love with FOREVER, but had set the phone down while her hands were occupied.  It had been virtually forgotten, until she rounded the counter and it chimed.

I can see it now…in slow motion.  I was reaching for the phone, chuckling.  She came tearing around the corner, broom still in hand, determined to get the phone.  I was focused on the message as I raised the phone toward me.  And that’s why I didn’t see it coming.  BAM.  I took a broom right between the eyes.  It made a sound.  Keenan stopped tossing the Caesar and rushed to me, Rachel snatched her phone from my hands, tucked it into her pocket and wrapped herself around me.

There were a lot of ‘I love you, Mommys’ and ‘I’m so sorry, Mommys’ and ‘it was an accident, Mommys.’  There was some finger pointing.  There was also some snorting, which made me doubt her sincerity.

me: I’m swelling.

Rachel: Ummm…no, you’re not.

me: I’m swelling.  I can feel it.

Rachel: Uh, no.  No, you’re not.

And suddenly it was like that scene from Tommy Boy where they are at the diner and he has that huge mark on his face from the 2×4.  You know the scene I’m talking about.  She’s clearly David Spade which makes me *gulp* Chris Farley?  Really?

So, I’m Skyping tonight.  And I can only pray that the poor resolution and even poorer lighting is kind.  Even if it isn’t, I know my friend will be.  Apparently, that’s more than I can say for Rachel.

Quick Karma:

• speak calmly instead of yelling

February 4th, 2010  |  Posted in Just Sharing  |  15 Comments »

Thanks to Michelle Duggar…

Author: thenicknick

See, the plight of the preemie is a quiet battle fought in a sterile environment.  Instead of bombs bursting in air, there are beeps erupting from machines.  Instead of camouflage, there’s scrubs.  And while premature births are not the norm, they happen too often.  So, I wanted to take a moment to thank a mom who will bring the cause to the spotlight, use her voice to promote awareness.  (My voice is still waaaay too small.)  Inspired by Mir, I’ll send out over the web, the letter I’d like to give Michelle Duggar.

Dear Michelle,

I know we’ve never met, yet I feel comfortable calling you by your first name, not because I’ve watched your show or am a huge fan, but because Josie’s untimely birth and your pregnancy made us sisters.

Toxemia is a force to be reckoned with.  And I would know, I’ve fought that unconquerable foe through three pregnancies.  My first pregnancy was spent in and out of the hospital with all tests coming back inconclusive until the night my blood pressure skyrocketed and I had three grand mal seizures in thirty minutes.  I woke from them to discover I had been induced at 27 weeks.  A blood pressure cuff would automatically register my pressure and pulse at predetermined intervals.  My finger glowed from the oxygen sensor.  I had three IVs, one the Pitocin drip that induced the labor, one the magnesium sulfate that prevented the connectors in my brain from firing and put an end to the seizures, but had the ugly side effect of leaving me slightly incoherent babbling about the design of the wallpaper, and the third was the standard fluids.  The baby monitor on my belly recorded contractions and a fading heart beat.  But I think my favorite new accoutrements were the stockings on my legs that would inflate every half hour or so to try to force the thirty odd pounds of fluids I had suddenly retained over the past twenty-four hours.  In the end, though I would have done ANYTHING for a different outcome, my first baby, Emily, was stillborn the Thursday before Mother’s Day when I was 20 years old.  (A Cesarean wasn’t an option since bleeding tests showed I wasn’t clotting and would most likely hemorrhage and die.)

Rachel came along just over a year later, born at 36 weeks.  Who knew she would be my big baby at 5lbs 2 1/4oz.  I was determined not to lose another child.  Since it was a high risk pregnancy, I was on a strict low sodium diet.  I spent a month on bed rest.  I was hospitalized twice for my blood pressure.  Only this time, it was merely labeled as toxemia.  Yay!  And I left the hospital with a healthy baby girl.

Keenan was my best pregnancy, but the most challenging life that began ten weeks too soon.  He came into the world via emergency c-section.  Premature labor was stressing his heart.  And in the end, my 2lb 10oz. purple boy arrived.  And that’s when I was truly put to the test.

There’s so much about premies that no one ever mentions.  No one tells you that one day they could appear to be thriving, the next they are back on the warming bed, a medical mystery.  No one tells you that no matter how hard you try, how much you pray, and bargain, and promise, things can still go wrong.  Keenan was almost a week old before I was even allowed to hold him.  Most parents take this for granted, much like they take for granted healthy normal pregnancies in our advanced civilization.  No, I never gave birth and held my misshapen gooey baby.  Every time, my child was whisked away before I had a chance for any contact at all.  (And worse, with Keenan, it was hours before anyone would tell me if he had even lived.)

My heart goes out to you, Michelle, because I know what you are in for.  I know that you will be suffering through sleepless angst filled nights as you wait for Josie to come home.  I hope and pray that she never suffers from an infection in her blood stream like my son did.  But if she does, I hope that the cultures quickly confirm the culprit and that it’s treatable even if it means six weeks of intravenous meds delivered nightly over a six hour period. I hope and pray that she doesn’t suffer from Retinopathy of Prematurity (ROP) like he did.  But if she does, I  hope you have a surgeon as caring and knowledgeable as his.  Three laser surgeries later and he can see.  I hope that she doesn’t suffer from a double inguinal hernia and cry from a pain you are helpless to identify until you bring her to the pediatrician.  But if she does, I hope that her surgeon is as skilled as his was and leaves a barely discernible scar in her bikini area.  Most of all,I hope that your large loving family understands that Josie has a weak immune system and can’t be passed around and shared like a toy.  I hope they support you in the ways that you need and not only in the ways that they want.

If you don’t own one already, consider this advice, purchase a recliner.  Josie may have sleep apnea issues that are best resolved by being held against your heart all night long.  And being snuggled against you will not only regulate her breathing, but also her temperature.  Remember that breast milk from a bottle is not a fail.  The most important thing is that she get the best nutrients possible in a manner that can be measured.  Trust me when I say you are already bonded.  A bottle won’t change that.  And please please please (yes, three pleases) don’t be too proud to rest when you need it, to nap when you can, and to accept and ask for (nay DEMAND) the help you require.

I will be thinking of you, your family, and your amazing addition.  If you ever need to bond with someone who has been through it, I’m only an email away.  Even though I would never wish this on anyone, I’m thrilled that someone who is a devoted, loving parent can give a voice to premature babies and their families.

Best wishes for a speedy release,

Nicki

Quick Karma:

• open yourself to all the support that is around you and in you

February 3rd, 2010  |  Posted in Parenting  |  8 Comments »

300…not the movie…

Author: thenicknick

Today is my 300th post.

I look back with pride at how the blog has evolved over the last seven months.  And I look back at how my life has evolved over the last seven months and I’m completely awed.  We’ve really grown, me and the blog.

Yeah, I used to post a monthly State of the Blog address and couple it with a lovely picture of a fireplace, but somehow that doesn’t seem so important anymore.  I was focused on the numbers, focused on growth because that’s what my literary agent told me I needed.  Now, the blog is bigger than that.  It isn’t about numbers anymore…although big numbers are good and will ultimately help me achieve bigger goals.  And the growth that has become most important to me is my own.  I’m growing as an individual.  I’m getting to know me.  I’m focusing on being the best mom I can be, although I’m already out of the running for Mother of the Year in 2010.

The blog has taken on a life of its own, much like my life has taken on a life of its own.  I wrote, at the beginning, these happy somewhat strained posts about living with HIM and trying to build a life/family/home with HIM.  And it was what I wanted more than anything.  Only after a time, you come to realize that what you want isn’t always what you need.  And sometimes you discover that while it hurts to lose everything and hit the proverbial rock bottom, sometimes you need to dust yourself off, see what’s left, assess the damage and your assets, build from there.  Sometimes, when you think you’ve lost everything, you discover you have so much more than you thought you did.

And sometimes to be truly happy, you need to remember to stop focusing on what you’ve lost and revel in what you have.  You need to learn to live in the moment instead of yearning for what you’re missing.  Though these lessons are a challenge to accept, the truth is that in doing so…everything you need will be found.

See, I’m still a diamond in the rough.  Really.  Now, I may not be as rough as I was a few months ago.  I’ve made progress.  Lots of progress.  And it made me start to think about diamonds…the analogies about them, the one I thought HE was gearing up to give me, what makes diamonds so special.

These gemstones have an amazing story.  See, diamonds are the only the only gem composed of a single element: carbon.  They are practically indestructible, as indicated by the origin of their name: from the Greek “adamas,” which means indestructible.  Diamonds are formed under the most stressful of conditions…a combination of pressure, chemistry, and temperature.  After they are formed, it takes thousands of years for them to get close enough to the surface to be mined.  And given the conditions diamonds are formed in, few are flawless.  Instead, in order to create a quality gemstone, sometimes as much as 60% has to be chipped away.

Somehow I find that to be very reassuring.  So, I’m just going to keep puttering away, chipping away at my flaws to have that quality life.  And apparently there’s no rushing these things.  If it takes thousands of years for diamonds to become a cherished gem, what makes me think that I should be there already.  As for the pressure, the chemistry…that’s when the biggest changes in my life take place.  Big risks.  Big rewards.

So, for now I’ll remember that the journey is the destination.

Quick Karma:

• know how precious and sweet life is

February 2nd, 2010  |  Posted in Reflections  |  13 Comments »

Communication…

Author: thenicknick

It was a day of lack of communication, a breakdown in communication, a negotiation to cease all communication, a miscommunication, a …well, you get the idea.  And it made me think about communication…in general…a lot.

First, we had a lack of communication with the new guy.  He called me first thing in the morning and while I normally answer with a ‘hey,’ Sunday I was feeling particularly bolstered and confident so I answered a little differently.

me: Morning, handsome.  How’d you sleep?

And the line went dead.  Right.  And there went my confidence.  Nah.  Actually, it merely fizzled my balloon.  No big deal.  I waited a few minutes for him to call back.  Only it didn’t happen…for over an hour.  During that time I rushed to shower, in case he was on his way over, and do the ten second tidy, in case he was on his way over.  So, my balloon was very nearly entirely deflated when I realized he was most definitely not on his way over.

Well, when he finally called back, I was back to my standard ‘hey.’  And he explained that his phone died and he had to go look for his old battery and then he had to charge it before he could call.  And then he told me that I was the first person he had called, that I was on his mind from the moment he woke up.  Ahhh.  All better.  And then the phone went dead…again.  It was roughly 10:30am.

By 11am, I had given up and was working on my girl time plans with Kimberly.  I invited Laura.  She was supposed to call back at noon to confirm.  And that call never came.  She did, however text just as we were leaving the movie at nearly 8pm.  Huh.  She wanted to know if my curse was alive and well.  It wasn’t because I brought my movie repellent.  At least, that’s what I’m going to call Kimberly from now on.  She exudes this delightful *I dare you to sit in my vicinity* vibe that just forces people to keep on walking.  I can work with that.  In fact, because of it, I may bring her to all my movies from now on…dates included.  Sorry, new guy, but trust me when I say you’re gonna want that third wheel.

And in yet another breakdown in communication, Kimberly’s husband, David, didn’t quite grasp that our movie was at 3:30pm.  So, when he arrived home at 3:30pm to watch their daughter, that was too late.  Yup.  We had to go to a leter showing.  And since my kids had come home the plans changed again.  So, instead of it being just the two of us, it was Girl Time plus one.  And that one was Rachel.  And normally I love love love having her around.  (Yes, three loves because I enjoy her that much.)  Somehow today…all day…she was completely…for lack of a better word…pissy.  Yes.  Pissy.

She had already, before coming home, managed to call and pick at me.  She was upset that the new guy had come over.  She read it on the blog.  And I was in no mood to discuss it with her…on account of there’s nothing to discuss.  I pay the bills.  Me.  All by myself.  And so I get to say who comes over.  Me.  Only me.  And yes, that means who she has over, too.  Me.  Because, and for the record, we don’t live in a democracy.  Not everyone has an equal say.  We live in a momocracy.  Oh, and I’m the mom.

Before the three of us had even left for the movie, I was already exhausted.  Kimberly and I really wanted to relax and sometimes Rachel can just be draining.  In fact…she was so draining that by dinner at a local Chinese restaurant I looked at her and sighed.

me: I can’t listen any more.  Please.  Stop talking.

She wasn’t thrilled, but she was getting tofu.  Sesame tofu, to be precise.  They arrived in deep fried squares dusted with sesame seeds soaking in a brown thin sauce.  Yum.  (No offense…vegans, vegetarians, and tofu lovers.)

Rachel: Mom, you are going to try this.

And this is what I hate about her being at her father’s house.  I’m not sure what goes on over there, but the first day back, rough.  I can’t stand when she thinks she’s going to tell me what to do.  And I was already tense for sooo many reasons…one of which was that I was missing the new guy.  We’d yet to be out of touch for that length of time and while it wasn’t an issue of doubts, I was missing his constant presence.  And it bothered me to admit it.

So, she plopped half a square on my plate.

me: Can’t eat it.  It’s in my garlic sauce.

And the cajoling began.  Finally, I just negotiated my freedom.

me: Fine.  I’ll eat it, but you have to be quiet for the rest of the night.

Rachel: Nope, for the rest of the night you have to eat a whole one.

me: And what’s it gonna cost me to have a painless morning, too?

Rachel: The whole one plus that section.

Well, I eyed them for a moment.  They didn’t seem that big…until I put them on a fork.  And they had this whole deceptively innocent look about them.  I mean they looked like deep fried hunks of cream cheese.  Do they deep fry hunks of cream cheese?  If they don’t, they should.  Tofu suddenly seemed almost palatable.

me: Okay.  I’ll eat the whole one, and the part, but there will be no more talking.  In fact, there will be no noise of any kind, including grunting, and you’ll be pleasant in the morning.

Kimberly was watching in sick fascination.  Yeah.  That’s how it is around my place.

So, with the agreement all hammered out, I ate the tofu.  I channeled my inner survivor and thought about how it could be worse.  And I tried not to make myself sick while thinking that.

And I thought I would have been happier with the silence.  Instead, Rachel was sad and defeated and lifeless.  Grrr.  I ate tofu for nothing.  Once we were home, I insisted she talk.  I’m just a big ol’ softie.  And I talked to the new guy a couple of times.  He had to buy a new phone and get a new phone number.  And, you guessed it, I was the first person he called.  He was really apologetic.

me: I’m not used to going so long without talking to you.  You’ve spoiled me.

NG: I’m sorry.  I apologize.

me: It’s not your fault the phone died.  I’m sorry you had to deal with all that stress.

So while communication was a bit off, it all came together eventually for all of us.  We kept trying.  We kept reaching out.  And that’s what counts.  The effort paid off.  Don’t give up too easily.  Strive to be heard.

Quick Karma:

• stay in contact with family and friends

February 1st, 2010  |  Posted in Just Sharing  |  17 Comments »

Someone to run to…

Author: thenicknick

It’s going to take some getting used to, but not much.  I’m in a really great place.

Ummm.  I don’t even know where to begin.  So, I guess it started with the snow.  I love sledding.  I love anything that will allow me to be playful.  I like that.  I need that.  I crave that.  It keeps me young.

Last night, after Skyping, I talked the new guy home…after he swung by to see me for about an hour.  It was nice, talking all cuddled up on the couch.  It was nice having someone so interested in my day.  And soon, I could see that he was exhausted.  He left just before 5am with a promise to be  back around 9am to spend time with me before he went to work that day.  Yeah, I had roughly three and a half hours sleep, but I felt great.

Then I woke and tried to get everything done that I possibly could before he came over.  It wasn’t nearly enough for my liking, but he didn’t care.  He understands things that I never expected he would.  He understands things that I don’t.  I may not get why I’m not where I want to be yet, but he still sees me as this amazing individual.  Ahhh.

So, I made breakfast for us.  And we ate at the table.  Yes, you read that right.  I ATE AT A TABLE.  It’s my table.  And while I’ve eaten at it before, I haven’t in the last three months, as long as we’ve lived at the apartment.  He helped set the table.  And he waited for me to get my plate together and come to the table so we could eat together.  He said grace.  And then he looked at me and wondered over why I couldn’t stop smiling.

Really?  Let’s see…without trying, he’s fulfilling all my wants and needs.  Without trying, he’s making me ridiculously happy.  Without trying, he’s found a balance for us.  I still have my life with the kids.  And I have my life with my friends.  And I’m building a life with him.  Yeah.  What do I have to smile about?

Once we’d finished eating, he cleared both of our plates.  I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped.  I couldn’t even move.  And I asked if he was always like this.  Only, I know the answer.  He is.  His momma raised him right.  And I seem to be reaping the rewards.

We joked some before he left.

me: I’m hoping I haven’t peaked too soon.

NG: Nah.  This is just the beginning of your good day.

Only for some reason, I had a sense of foreboding.  And my senses rarely fail me.  I couldn’t focus on any projects.  I couldn’t read or write or blog.  I couldn’t even muster up the interest to research anything from my conversation with Rain the night before.  Grrr.

It didn’t take long.  At 1pm, HE called.  And, with a sigh I answered.  I think I was testing myself.  I kept swearing that with the new guy in my life, I was strong and could handle HIM.  Well, the long and the short of it was that he had mail for me, tax documents.  And if I need anything…it’s a tax refund.  So, I thought I was being smart, agreeing to meet him in public rather than let him drop off the mail at my apartment.  (Who needs bad juju around the place when it was filled with love and happiness?)  I thought I had this all figured out.  Group lunch at Carmella’s.  Group sledding around back.  Depart from the group and return to my life.

It was a good plan.  And I was in a great mood.  I scraped my car…which I had hoped was an experience from my past never to be repeated.  Soon, I was there, with Ed and Bailey.  We were talking and joking.  It was good.  HE arrived.  And soon after that, the new guy called.  I had sent him a text telling him that I was going sledding.  He was calling to try and convince me to be careful.  He didn’t want anything to happen to me.  All together now…awwww!

We ate.  And HE was seated next to me.  And then the jukebox started playing…EVERY song from our past, EVERY song we had ever attached meaning to.  At one point I literally looked about the crowded bar and asked loudly..

me: WHO PICKED THESE SONGS?!

One meek looking man from the next table over admitted he had.  And I didn’t even know what to say.  I shook my head.  And then I shook my fist at him.

Finally, we commenced sledding.  It was good.  HE was really playful, wanting to race me and push me and just really interact with me.  And I was okay…for the most part.  Only…I wasn’t because I could feel him reaching out the way he always did.  And I knew I wasn’t going to fall for that again.  EVER.  Somehow, by the time it was over, when we’d all had enough of the cold and wet and danger, I had that yucky feeling.

Ed and Bailey left because she was so cold and wet.  And that left me to get the mail from HIM.  He handed over the mail soon enough, but then the questioning began.

HIM: What’s with all the lab stuff?  Are you okay?

me: I’m fine.

HIM: Well, you don’t have this many tests over nothing.

me: I’m FINE.

HIM: Then don’t tell me.

me: *sigh* It isn’t me.  It’s from Rachel.

And I changed the subject.

me: How nice.  You still care.

HIM: Of course I do.  Why would you think I didn’t?

me: Well, you didn’t call.  And maybe it is best that you didn’t.

HIM: Well, you recover quick enough.

And I pretty much figured that Ed had told him I was seeing someone since soon his entire attitude changed like it had been weighing on his mind.

HIM: So why don’t you just go meet up with your boy.  I’ll talk to you later.

Only I know we won’t talk.  I know we have nothing left to say.  And that’s the way it has to be, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a little sad that I’ve lost someone who meant so much to me and we’ll never be where we were again.

Once I reached the car, I saw missed calls from the new guy.  Ahhh.  And I called him back, but I wasn’t myself no matter how much I tried to hide it.  He questioned what was wrong.  And I told him…almost everything.  I told him the most important parts.  His reaction?

NG: I’m taking my break at 3:30pm.  Why don’t you take your time getting over here and we’ll hang out together?  Remember, don’t rush on these roads.

Naturally, I went.  And he worked his magic.  He played with me.  He teased me.  He cajoled me into sharing some of his meal.  He walked me back to my car.  He called on his ride home from work.  And I can’t get over his devotion.  I can’t.  I can’t get over the way he cares for me.  I can’t believe that I may have someone I don’t have to hide anything from, but can instead run to for the love and support I seek.

So, I’d like to get all sappy and dedicate a song to the new guy.  It’s the song that started playing in my head as I drove home from seeing him.

May everyone have someone in their life that they can run to…

Quick Karma:

• see someone through the good, the bad, and the ugly

January 31st, 2010  |  Posted in dating  |  13 Comments »

What are you waiting for?

Author: thenicknick

I had a post all ready for today.  It was a cute little post about what an idiot I am, since yesterday morning I managed to be so distracted that I went through the Chick-fil-A drive thru and only after rounding the speaker and being hemmed in…realized I had never actually placed an order.  They were really great about it, allowing me to order and pay at the window.  Sure there were three of them there, staring at me, but I deserved it.  And there was more to it…of course, but the reality is that life happened last night and it meant that I couldn’t, in good conscience, post about that this morning.

Last night it snowed some in Charlotte.  I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it, much as I was overwhelmed by the lines at the grocery store because of the snow.  (Yes, when there is a threat of inclement weather, the stores are systematically emptied of bread and milk.  I, however, bought breakfast food and everything Chinese…)  And I was further overwhelmed by the new guy’s show of concern.  He was worried about me driving.  I wasn’t.  I grew up in the Adirondacks.  I was simply worried some southerner would hit me.  And then he was further bothered at the thought that I might be alone in this weather.  Ummm.  And it was nice, a very nice change.

Circumstances resulted in me spending time with Jay and Spring and her girls.  We watched Bedtime Stories and talked.  They wanted me to spend the night, but I didn’t.  I wanted to be home…eventually to sleep and write.  And I had big Skyping plans…that meant I talked to Rain for just about five hours.  (For those of you doing the math…I ended up getting off the computer just shy of 4am.  I had to go.  As time wore on, I wasn’t getting any prettier…)

So that conversation, more than anything else that happened previously, changed my life.  To catch some of you up, he recently shared on his blog a story of his friend, Gabe, who was battling cancer and given a matter of weeks to live.  He even shared her last poetry slam (just as I’m about to do) because it is powerful stuff.  And when there is a message that should be spread, I try to do so.  As you may gather, Gabe passed away yesterday.  For those of us who didn’t know her and now will never get the chance, watching this may be the best we can do.

It’s powerful and thought provoking stuff.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to ask of my readers today.  What I knew for certain was that I wanted Gabe to be honored.  How do you honor a woman like that?  Do you light a candle?  Do you have a moment of silence?  What would Gabe like?  Well, I think that’s obvious.  Gabe would like us to live…truly live…and live truly.

All I could think about was how much time I had wasted on worthless pursuits.  I looked back on my night.  It wasn’t a total waste.  I spent time with people I cared about, lots of them.  I talked to the kids on the phone.  And I was proud of that.  Only, it wasn’t enough.  There’s no time like the present to change the course of my life.  And I think I’m on the right track.  I think I’m finally making some strong choices.  I’m listing for life and encouraging the kids to join me.  We have some worthwhile activities ahead of us.  And I don’t want to waste a minute.

Let’s face it.  If I did…Gabe would rail at me.  She’s watching us now.  She has our wings.  She’s all angel.  And I want to make her proud.  I want to live a worthwhile life.  That’s how I’m going to honor her message.  Now you.  What are you waiting for?

Quick Karma:

• live life right now

January 30th, 2010  |  Posted in Just Sharing  |  11 Comments »