Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

I Sit Amazed

Monday, July 6th, 2009

As sad as I was yesterday about the fallout from the Fourth, today I’m happy, hopeful, and as always reflective.  While I am reluctant to divulge much about my relationship with S, due to its intensely personal nature, I know that for many it is a subject of great fascination.

Previous posts would lead you, and not wrongly, to believe that we have had a tumultuous relationship.  Yet here we are, living together.  And no one is more surpised than we are.  We discussed it last night in the hot tub.  We have some of our best discussions at night in the screened porch that houses the hot tub.   It’s one of our favorite rooms. 

There’s something about snuggling in bubbly chlorinated water while looking out at the moon and stars and listening to the station of our choosing that helps us open up even more than normal.  As we sat there, a la the tub scene in Pretty Woman, his head against my chest, my legs wrapped around him, I asked if he saw any of this coming.  The response was a resounding ‘no.’

When we first started dating, he told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend.  I told him that I just wanted to be with him.  No pressure.  Next thing you know, we’re exclusive.  He told me he didn’t want to date anyone older or that had children.  I’m all that and more.  I told him to not judge me based on things I couldn’t change.  Now, he’s living with a woman and her two children…big, nearly grown children.

And he still stands by one last claim: we’re never getting married.  He’s even turned it into a song… and dance.

S: Never gonna do it.  Never gonna do it.  Never gonna do it never gonna do it.  Never gonna do it!  (Think En Vogue.)

It’s very cute.  And it makes me laugh.  And I don’t care one bit.  Marriage isn’t a measure of commitment.  (I learned that the hard way.)  Marriage isn’t a means to security.  ( Same lesson.)  It isn’t even a guarantee of lasting love, or love at all. 

I’ll take the man who comes home to me every night, who stays up late talking to me, who holds me like our bodies were made for each other.  I’ll take the man I can laugh and play with, who loves my singing, my quirky ways, and indulges me with time wandering the beach in search of shells, stones, and sea glass.  I don’t need to call him husband.  I don’t need a piece of paper to keep him or a ring to bind us together.  After all this time, I am still content just being with him.

Our adventure has barely begun.  We have an amazing life ahead of us.

Tags: dating, relationships, romance
Posted in relationships | 1 Comment »

Fireworks Galore

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

It’s not even nine in the morning yet on what should be a lazy Sunday following a holiday.  Though I have the day off and could have slept, it simply wasn’t possible.  The night went badly.  And the morning doesn’t look much more promising.

So I woke and did what I do best.  I fix things.  Only now I’m learning to try to fix the things I can control, which is very limited.  By eight, the house was clean, the dishes done, the garbage emptied, the floor and all its sticky residue mopped.  The place even smells good again.  The patio was given a similar treatment.  The hard part was the lawn and the street.  I cleaned up all the big stuff, leaving only the little things that could be blown for Ed and the kids to handle.  I returned chairs to all the neighbors they belonged to, packed bags for those who had left items at the house.  Two bags of garbage later, it almost looks like our neighborhood again.

Even as I worked, I knew why I did it.  Maybe if I cleaned up any residue from the previous day, removed all evidence of a day of promise gone horribly wrong, I could forget how bad it was.  It all began with a simple idea: let’s have a party for the Fourth.  In the end, the house was taken over, a horrible amount of alcohol consumed, and all the effects that go with it: the arguments, the inappropriate behavior, and the gross misunderstandings. 

The house, the yard, those were the easy things to fix.  My house, my house, the one I own but don’t live in, that will take longer.  The door is busted, there’s a huge hole in the wall.  All repairable with a little time, a lot of effort.  The relationships, if reparable at all, will take considerably longer.

Tags: dating, relationships
Posted in Reflections | No Comments »

How I Stumbled Upon Matchmaker.com

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

At the risk of sounding desperate, since I’ve already revealed that I actually signed up for an account on Match.com, and I posted…twice…on Craigslist, I feel the need to plead my case with Matchmaker.com.

So here’s what happened…I was searching Craigslist.  (Searching, not trolling, people.)  Since I was struggling to find a roommate or rent the house and was selling off household items to make ends meet, I would occasionally also check out the jobs posted.  One day there was a posting that claimed they were looking for people to review various sites.  All I had to do was sign up on this site (no money involved), check it out thoroughly, write a review and submit it for their approval.  If they liked my style, I’d earn an easy $25.  I figured the way I love to write and play online, I was the ideal candidate for this position.

They sent me the link for the site I was to review.  Great, another dating site.  With little enthusiasm, I signed up and filled out the profile info.  I wasn’t going to pay for a membership or even include a picture.  This was a one time shot, I wasn’t looking for a love connection.  I was on again off again with S, and doubted I’d ever get over him, completely disinterested in starting anything new…when I started getting emails from one guy: Chris.

Chris was the same age as S, meaning about eight years younger than I was, and we all know how that turned out.  He was persistent, I’ll give him that.  And somehow I end up getting peaschnuckered into a date, on St. Patrick’s Day no less.  By this time, I was getting better at this online dating bit, maybe even dating in general.  I had ruled out movies.  We were not going to be able to meet much before 8:30pm because I had a Parent Meeting for Rachel’s play.  (You would have thought it was a Broadway production with the time devoted to it.  And it did look amazingly professional at the performances I saw.)

The plan was to meet at the fountains at Stonecrest in South Charlotte.  The fountains are gorgeous, all lit up at night.  You can sit right on the edge, or on some of the stone benches built into the walls.  It’s really romantic, if you’re with the right person.  I wasn’t.  That became evident within…minutes.  You know how you can talk to some people for hours and the time flies.  I called this date in an hour and fifteen minutes.  Yup.  And that was way too long.

First of all, he looked like he was twelve instead of almost thirty.  And he fidgeted constantly like a twelve year old.  At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  I thought he was nervous, but when I asked him, he assured me he was like that all the time.  Great.  That wouldn’t get on my nerves too much.  And you know how some people are these great listeners and you can tell they really want to get to know you?  He wasn’t.  He talked over me.  He would ask me questions and not listen to the answer.  Through it all, I was patient.  Then, he started touching me.

I like being touched.  I crave being touched.   By the right person.  And he wasn’t.  And he couldn’t take a hint.  Finally, I just decided to be as bold as he was and ask if he was always this forward.  He assured me he was.  By this time, I’d lost count of the strikes against him.

He walked me back to my car and told me what a great time he’d had and how he looked forward to getting to know me better.  I smiled…weakly.  Soon I was home and hopped online.  My old friend, Holly was online and we began to chat.  She was finishing her senior year at Chapel Hill and didn’t always have a lot time to talk.  I was scowling when I realized that I already had an email from Chris asking for a second date.  And then, minutes later, I had a text.

Cursing, I went for the phone.  If it was Chris, I was probably going to rip him a new one.  But it wasn’t.  It was S.  He was having a lousy St. Patrick’s Day and missed me.  We exchanged a few texts before I was heading down the road for his house, uninvited.  The last text I sent: Let me in.  The door was opening as I reached it.  Ahhh.

For the next few days, I received countless emails and texts from Chris, asking to get together again.  I told him that I didn’t think we had much in common.  He asked me to give ‘us’ a chance.  What does that mean?  There was no ‘us.’

me: Why are u so determined to date me?  I have more baggage than American Tourister.

Chris: You seem nice.

me: Clearly, I’m not that nice.

Chris: Please give us a chance.

me: sigh

I wish I could remember how I finally managed to get through to him that we were just not going to happen.  So much has transpired since then.  And what did I learn from this experience?  (I try to chalk everything up to a learning experience.)  If a job seems too good to be true, it probably is.  I never heard from the company again.

Tags: craigslist, dating, online dating
Posted in Reflections | No Comments »

Online Dating: Craigslist, Take One

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

I never thought I’d do it.  Really.  I can be pretty daring, but posting on Craigslist in an effort to not die alone reeked of desperacy, even for me.  At the same time, I had friends who assured me that it was all harmless fun.  Try it! Now, in all honesty, I’m not certain any of said friends actually went out in public with the guys that they met online.  That may be where I went a step too far.  You decide.

As with everything else in my life, I began by doing an inordinate amount of research before even sticking my toe in that dating pool.  I read through a lot of ads.  I wanted to see what people were saying, and wondering whether it would be a hopeless endeavor.  (I was still hung up on S and thought this might just be the distraction I needed to help me move on. )

So on S’s birthday, and shortly before leaving town to be with Jennie for the weekend, I posted this:

Suddenly Single, Ready to Date

This may sound strange, but I find myself in unfamiliar territory.  I have never dated, not in the conventional sense.  I went from high school boyfriends, to living in the college dorm dating the guy down the hall, to living with a friend I ended up marrying.  (Yup, I was married for fifteen years.) Now I’m single.  And I’m intrigued with the idea of meeting someone and dating.

Obviously, I’m comfortable with ltrs, but I want to start from the beginning, not skip any steps.  Let’s get to know each other, a few emails, a few phone calls, and take it from there.

I like the idea of getting to know each other over time, but here’s what you should know to determine whether you want to get to know me at all:

I have two kids, one of each, the girl is a freshman, the boy a fifth grader.  I own a home and am gainfully employed.  If there’s a man in my life, it’s going to be due to mutual desire and not need.  I’m educated, intelligent, and some would say witty, or maybe that’s a polite term for sarcastic?  I like to laugh A LOT.  For fun, I read, travel, and spend quality time with those I care about.  I cook and keep the place clean enough to be healthy.  I like being outdoors, but wouldn’t necessarily call myself outdoorsy.  I’m a nurturer.  I like taking care of people and recognize that sometimes placing someone else’s needs before my own is a strength, not a weakness.

That I’m not including a picture doesn’t mean I’m a troll, but that I’m not on my home computer.  Actually, I’ve been told I’m very attractive, but I think when you’re only five feet tall, the best you can hope for is ‘cute.’  My figure would best be described as hour glass.  And I think my best feature is my smile.

Think we have anything in common?

Well, I stopped counting at the number of men that thought we might have something in common.  And while many have complained about the quality of the responses they receive on Craigslist, I find that there’s a direct correlation between what you write and who responds.  I was inundated with emails from doctors, lawyers, businessmen, pharmacists, and professionals of all fields.  It was amazing.  It was fun.  It was an ego boost.  It was no good because all I wanted was S.

Still, like the trooper I was, I sorted through them, with Jennie’s expert help, and came up with a few candidates.  I found that if you have too many guys interested in one time, there isn’t enough time to give them the attention they desire, and some are simply going to fall off the grid.  No big deal.  This is online dating.  It’s a Darwinian experiment.  There’s always more fish in the sea, and all that rubbish.

So, since I tend to be a one man woman, I decided to try to focus on the one who wrote the longest most interesting emails.  Jeremiah.  After we exchanged a few, he was impatient, so we moved on to chatting.  He was clever.  He was devoted.  So we moved on to texting, which we did non-stop for two days.  And then it was on to phone calls.  (That all took place over the course of a matter of days, by the way.)

Somehow, it was during the phone conversations that I was convinced this would never work.  Where shall I begin?  First, he tried to impress me with the fact that he owned a beach house.  I love the beach.  All I wanted to know was whether or not there was any good sea debris.  He then announced that he wouldn’t know since he never went out on the beach.  (My first indication that he was a neat freak.  The second indication came a moment later.)  Then we started talking laundry.  He was in a store and couldn’t find fabric softener.  (I didn’t know anyone still used the stuff.)  He was apalled when I suggested he use laundry sheets with fabric softener in them.  This lead to a lengthy discourse on his methodology on laundry and my brief announcement that I would NEVER be doing his laundry.  If that wasn’t enough, I discovered that he had a two twleve pack a day habit of Diet Sun Drop.  I’m from the north, we don’t even have sun drop.  And if wehad, I still wouldn’t have drank it.  Give me high fructose corn syrup and carmel coloring any day.  I’m a cola girl.  And never a diet cola girl.

The final straw came the next day, however, when he was cranky because he hadn’t had time to iron his undershirt and it prevented him from tucking in his button down shirt properly.  Holy anal retention, Batman!  Who potty trained this guy with an AK-47?  Somehow, by then, though greatly disturbed, I was not overly surprised when he announced he collected German WWII memorabilia.  Who does that?  (And I’m referring to the German part, collecting pieces of history is something everyone does in one way shape or form.)

Yeah.  So, I told him that I wasn’t going to meet him for coffee, tea, or any other beverage of my choosing, and that I didn’t think we had much in common.  And when he asked why, I simply explained that he came off as being very high maintenance.

Though the taste for dating had already soured in my mouth, I pushed on and went out on an actual date.  This time, I decided not to spend much time getting to know him online, a few emails, one awkward phone call while we planned our meeting, then see if there was any chemistry.

There wasn’t.  My feelings had already cooled before I entered the restaurant, and not just because I had been standing outside in the rain while waiting for his late butt to arrive.  Grrr.  No, talking to him over dinner was like pulling teeth and far less satisfying.  Then we went to the theater for a movie.  (I don’t recommend this on a first date, by the way, not enough time to talk.  Although in our case, the movie helped with the uncomfortable silences.)  We saw what times were available and picked the next thing showing.

The movie might have been called Yes Man!, but I spent my night saying ‘no, sir!’  My date decided to get all handsy and couldn’t take a hint.  I was literally impaled on my armrest I was struggling so to stay away from him, yet he couldn’t take the hint, not even when I pushed his sweaty little palm off my knee.  Yuck!  He walked me toward my car.  Once we were near enough, I simply gave him the ‘thanks, nice meeting you’ bit and ran, yes, ran away.

At this point, I decided that I needed more me time to get over S.  And I put myself on a dating hiatus.

Anyone have a similar experience to share?

Tags: craigslist, dating, online
Posted in A Single Girl's Guide | 1 Comment »

Let the journey begin.

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

How did I get here…

That was a great question posed by Meg Ryan’s character in Sleepless in Seattle. It was a question that worked on so many levels, literal and figurative.

“You told a lie and hopped on a plane,” Rosie O’Donnell’s character responded.

I ask myself that same question. It’s not as simple as telling a lie or hopping on a plane. For me, I realized I was tired of living the lie. I was tired of being both lonely and alone. After seventeen years together, fifteen of them married, I was just tired.

J had worked two jobs our entire marriage, becoming the main bread winner the last seven years and leaving me to raise the kids, take care of the house, and all that entailed. It was usually a comfortable existence, peppered with almost monthly weekend getaways to the beach or the mountains, constant activity, and time with couple friends. I was content, for the most part, but not complete.

So, I decided to ‘fix’ things. Always one for self-improvement, I read The Secret. Just about the time I made it through the relationship portion of the book, with me sending out into the universe the kind of relationship I wanted, our marriage fell apart. Oh, and not just our marriage, but our couple friendship, which was also linked to my job, and suddenly…I was single…or wanted to be.

That was the end of March, 2008. On my worst day ever, after being seen sobbing uncontrollably by Ed while he was mowing Kelly’s yard, (Who knew a big city could be so incestuous?) I decided to do damage control and nip any rumors that might spring up from ignorance and concern by hanging out after dinner at Ed’s house.

As the honorary mayor of The Bubble, our pet name for our subdivision, Ed’s was where people unwound after a long day. Yeah, it’s that kind of neighborhood. Or…it was. And that was where I met him, the man I believed to be my soul mate. It wasn’t an ‘aha’ moment. All I knew was that we could talk about everything and nothing and did for three solid hours. It was, apparently, a mile stone for him for so many reasons. He tended to be shy, particularly when he was tired, and that night he was. Yet we connected. And over the next few months as we came to know each other better, I couldn’t deny the attraction.

Not one to be duplicitous, I knew that if I had feelings for someone else, my marriage truly was over. I just didn’t know how to make it so. I mean, I had been formulating a plan, but now it was being force fed steroids, instead of developing on its own as I originally intended.

By Memorial Day, I was Suddenly Single. And it was time for my journey of self-discovery and self-improvement to begin.

Tags: dating, journey, marriage, suddenly single
Posted in Reflections | 1 Comment »