Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Setting my priorities…

Author: thenicknick

Breathe, Kenna, breathe!

OR at least trying to.

S thinks that the reason I’m not as focused as I have been in the past is because I spend too much time on Facebook.  And this is coming from a man who spends his free time tending a virtual zoo.  Hello, pot.  Meet kettle.

Oh, but it’s not that simple.  I spend a lot of time on Facebook trying to rally the support I need for Kenna.  She’s been struggling ever since she was on the CPAP.  And while she lasted for 24 hours on that machine and was breathing like a champ…she’s been worn out and on the decline breathing wise ever since.

And it scares me.

I think about it all the time.  I have to.  I’m the mother.

S thinks she’s just being lazy.  He doesn’t see it quite the way I do.  And maybe I’m overreacting on account of…I’m the mother.  Or maybe I just get it.  Maybe I see things he doesn’t see.

All I know is that it’s different for daddies.  He thinks the doctors have this all under control.  He focuses on work.  Supporting his family is his priority.  And I applaud that.  Taking care of the family and worrying over them is mine.

After the visit yesterday, I’m a little more worried than I have been.  Yesterday was the first time in weeks that she didn’t even look at us when we were there.  That’s saying something.  Our little peanut always tries to look at us.  This time…nothing.

Kenna is gaining weight…as she should on the size feedings she’s taking.  She’ll be up to full sized feedings tomorrow.  And then they are talking about taking out the central line.  They have already stopped the lipids.  And as long as she’s on full sized feeds she won’t need the line for her the IV nutrition or fluids.  Her liver functions are improving.  She has this whole pooping thing figured out.  Now she needs to be able to breathe.

Breathing is the one big thing my baby girl needs to do.  And she isn’t.  She can’t.  She’s just too tired.

I was told that it could come with strength from the weight gain.  And I hope so, but she’s much heavier than she has been.  She’s gained several ounces, which is significant for a baby.  And still…nothing.

So, I’m trying to focus on work and helping our business, our livelihood, grow.  I’m trying to stay organized.  I’m trying to be super assistant.  (I am not a secretary.)  And yet I spend a lot of time worrying about Kenna.  I spend a lot of time wondering if she’s going to get over this hump.  I wonder what it will take…because so far nothing is working.  And I spend time on Facebook…posting updates and responding to messages.

I want for this to simply be a bad memory, for this worry to be a thing of the past.  I want her to be happy and healthy and strong.  I want her to breathe.

Please think of Kenna.  Your prayers, warm wishes, and words of encouragement are always greatly appreciated.

February 17th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

Happiness is having a busy day…

Author: thenicknick

Loving her hair...

Yesterday was really productive.  And busy.

There’s something about busy days.  They go so very fast.  And most of the time I’m good with that.  The faster the days go by, the sooner Kenna gets to come home and be with us.  We’re all looking forward to that.  Even Keenan.  I’m thinking he wants some kind of normal back.  Don’t we all.

So, the morning was spent working in our home office, getting in each other’s way, and on each other’s last nerve.  We managed to get it together and like each other again by lunch.  Not that it improved my lunch any.  S picked up Wendy’s while he was out and I only managed to get half my meal.  That would make the second time in as many restaurant runs.  I am beginning to think it is the universe conspiring to tell me I need to cut back.  I get it.  But if that was the case, why take my salad?

After lunch, S took a nap…and I took a run up to the hospital to see my baby girl.  Kenna had been bathed the night before, so she looked all fresh and clean and fuzzy and strawberry blonde.  And I discovered she had gained some weight.  She’s very nearly 1 pound 6 ounces.  Nearly.  In fact she’s 1 pond 5.87 ounces.  That .13 of an ounce…not a big deal on me, but on her…huge.

There was more work to be done upon my return.  I discovered that we were receiving our first window delivery from an 18 wheeler that parked in front of the house.  Thank goodness the men of The Bubble were about…and some friends.  Otherwise, it might not have gone as smoothly.  And the window guy…gave S a big hug.  We like good people and building relationships.

I made dinner…beef stew from scratch…and popovers.  It was good.  Not that S knew.  He went to Bojangles.  And Keenan mostly humored me.  He had already eaten at his friend’s house.  What did they have?  Chicken and potatoes.

me: You don’t get enough chicken and potatoes around here.  I was trying to mix it up with beef and potatoes.

And Keenan just laughed.  He laughs at me a lot.  That is his standard comeback.  I get a laugh and a pat on the head.  Teenagers.

Finally, we had a chance to rest.  It was 10pm.  And we snuggled in.  It was just the way to end a long day.  Too perfect.

See, we can’t complain about being busy.  Busy is good.  We like busy.  We like a sense of purpose.  We love what we do.  And we love love love doing it together.  Happiness.

February 16th, 2012  |  Posted in Happiness is...  |  No Comments »

Of course, I’m sick…

Author: thenicknick

I should have bought stock...

It’s just a cold.  Sometimes those are worse than the flu.  I can’t get the flu, since I had the shot during the pregnancy.  I wasn’t going to get the shot, but my doctor can be very persuasive.

doctor: Do you know what happens to pregnant women who get the flu?

me: Nope.

doctor: They die.

See?  Very persuasive.  And her nurse gives the best shots.  I should know.  I had roughly eleven shots during the pregnancy…including the flu shot.  Not bad.  I know that many have had more.

So, I’m battling a cold with a limited number of options for medicine.  And I’m taking medicine for my limited milk supply…again.  Let me just say that pumps are not the friend of milk supplies.  Oh, and this is my idea of talking about this.  I don’t actually want to talk about it.  We don’t discuss my bodily functions.  In the past, it was simply an issue of not discussing what happened with door number two, now…my boobs are also off limit.  Don’t you worry about it.  I’ve got it under control.

Oh, but out of control is my runny nose and sneezing.  It will get better.  I just don’t know when.  So, I’m trying everything I know to get better fast.  I’m blowing and washing.  I’m eating oranges and soup.  I’m resting…about as much as I ever do.

I will get better.  If Kenna can do it, I certainly can.  Of course, Kenna gets better care.  And she gets a more sterile environment.  Did you know they have gone almost 200 days without a blood born infection in the NICU?  I can’t think of a time when I’ve ever gone that long without a cold.

Still, I watch Kenna struggling on a daily basis.  And she just keeps plugging along.  She’s so sweet, so determined, so precious.  So, I’ll complain less and sleep more.

With that in mind we went to bed at 9pm last night.  I thought I’d just lay there, but about fifteen minutes into it, I was gone.  And we set the alarm for 7am, so that’s when I woke up.  And I still wasn’t anywhere near as perky as S, who about drove me crazy with his perky.  I’m sure I do that to him plenty.  Just not lately.  Because of the cold.

I’ll be healthy soon enough.  I feel better than I did the day before.  And I’m pretty determined, too.  If I get too sick, I won’t be able to visit Kenna.  So, I’ll be getting progressively better.  Mind over matter.  Because in this case, even if I don’t mind, it does matter.

Thinking happy thoughts of sunshine and happiness.  Life is better with sunshine and happiness.  They keep sickness at bay.

February 15th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

This is the key to handling life…

Author: thenicknick

I love this quote.  And this picture.  What truly strikes me, however, is that this seems to be the way we live our life.

We have been hit with some serious storms.  We have more than battled our share of gusts.  And yet, we still manage to press on.  It’s all about adjusting the sails.

I read things like this all the time on Facebook from friends.  There are some people who complain that they try so hard to be positive and then something will just foul it all up.  Then they end up in a funk.  I understand.  But there’s something I’ve learned.  If you can’t change something, there’s no reason to worry about it.  And if you can change it, there’s no reason to worry about it.  Ultimately, there is no reason to worry.  See?

Then there is the challenge of how to deal with regret.  Everyone makes mistakes.

Because the reality is that we learn the most when we make mistakes.  Not making mistakes means that you are playing life too safe.  When you make mistakes, you know that you are truly living, truly taking chances, and things won’t always go well.  No matter what, choose to be happy.  Let go of the past.

Enough said.

February 14th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

It wasn’t dull…

Author: thenicknick

Kenna seemed to be on a steady decline after her try with the CPAP.  She made it a miraculous 24 hours, but I swear it very nearly did her in.  We even took a crazy late night drive to the hospital…at S’s suggestion.  It was scary.  She looked horrible.  And while I was quick to keep up on my posts, I, otherwise, didn’t have so much to say.  I didn’t want to talk on the phone.  I just wanted to write and be quiet.

By Friday, she looked like she was on an upswing, but then Saturday morning, I was crushed again.  Her blood gases were showing that she was acidotic.  The nurse sounded concerned, so I did the research.  Untreated, undiagnosed, it could be deadly.  And I was dying to talk to a doctor.

I managed to get my wish before we took our niece and nephew to a bowling birthday party.  This is what good aunts and uncles do when the parents have to work.  We like being a good aunt and uncle.  And we love love love spending time with the kids, so we agreed to take them.

The doctor confirmed that she was acidotic, but only mildly.  That’s how good they are.  They are just on top of things.  And then he went on and on about how pleased he is with her feedings.  Apparently, feeding is the most important thing…it cures a world of issues…like lungs, and liver, and who knows what else.  Most preemies have to start and stop, but not Kenna.  She eats like a champ.  And rumor has it that she starts to get agitated as it nears her feeding time.  She worries that she won’t get fed.  Huh.  Wonder which parent she gets that from.  Okay, you got me.  Guilty.

So, I was able to relax and enjoy the kids.  I managed to live in the moment, instead of living in fear.  We managed to get the car seats loaded into my vehicle, then the kids.  We took a four year old and a two year old to a bowling birthday party…because there’s three things that don’t go together.  And we survived.  S chalks all these moments up to learning and preparing for Kenna.  We do that a lot.

By Sunday night, she was truly on the mend.  She was more active again.  And she was gaining weight.  She is now up to 1lb 4.5ounces.  She’s our big growing girl.

And now here we are.  Monday morning.  Kenna is five weeks old now.  She’s doing well.  She’s stable.  She’s even thriving in some areas.  We are blessed.  We know this.

Sunday was a night of long talks.  S said some pretty things.  He told me how much he loves me.  He explained how lucky he feels to be able to be married to someone he loves and is in love with, to be able to have a child together, to be building this life and this business together.  And I feel lucky, too.  He reminded me that he’d never leave me, never give me a reason to leave him.  That counts for more than you know.

It’s very nearly tangible now…this future we dream of.  Our life promises to stay interesting.  We wouldn’t have it any other way.  We’re good.  In fact, we’ve never been better.  And Kenna, we are preparing for her imminent arrival.  It won’t be soon enough.  Somehow, we’ll make it…because there is love.

February 13th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  1 Comment »

They can’t all be good nights…I guess…

Author: thenicknick

Kenna's footprints in Mawmaw Vicki's hand.

So, I went yesterday to visit Kenna while S was working.  I had met a friend for lunch.  I ate sushi for the first time since I was pregnant.  And it was good.

The visit was good, too.  I managed to time it just right to get plenty of hands on time with Kenna.  I changed my first poopy diaper.  I helped hold her while her bedding was changed.  I took her temperature.

And while I did all this care, I was struck by how calm she was…uncharacteristically calm.  And I tried to chalk it up to her being tired.  She hadn’t opened her eyes as she normally tried to do when she heard my voice.  And she didn’t take a swing at me like she did with the nurses when they tried to care for her.

So, I went home and loaded more pictures of Kenna on the computer.  I tried to get more writing done.  I tried to enjoy my night with Keenan and S.  It had all the makings of a good night.  There was a good dinner.  There was good conversation.  Kenna was a month old.

The worry stuck with me though.  I called the hospital earlier than normal, 10pm instead of midnight.  And the call left me unnerved.  My baby girl had a new nurse, and she wasn’t doing well.  She had been re-intubated because she was desating…a lot.  And her settings had been adjusted on the vent.  And when I heard what the settings were, I grew more concerned.  The tears started the moment I ended the call.

S: What’s up?

And I tried to explain my concerns.  I knew all the details, but he rarely wanted to be bothered with them.  He would simply dismiss my worries, chalk them up to a mama’s fears, and then tell me everything was fine.  Kenna was good.

Only this time he listened.  He really listened as tears poured down my face.

me: I know Kenna’s a fighter, but right now, I’m afraid that she’s worn out, that she doesn’t have any fight left in her.

He was quiet for a moment before gathering me in his arms.  He hugged me close and I hugged him back.

S: Maybe she just misses her daddy.  Maybe she needs to hear my voice.  Let’s go to the hospital.

me: Right now?

I glanced at the clock.  It was 10:30pm.  And so we left.  While he drove I updated my Facebook status.

S: Are you Facebooking?

me: I need people to be thinking of her.

He suddenly understood.  We made it to the hospital right around 11pm.  Kenna struggled to open her eyes when she heard our voices.  And we felt slightly better.  Then I looked at the settings and explained everything to S.  Only he didn’t believe me or didn’t get it until the nurse explained it.

S: So how many breaths is she taking over the vent?

I shook my head.  I already knew the answer.  I had already told him.  The nurse frowned.

nurse: She isn’t.  She’s riding the vent.

For the first time, S had a grave look on his face as he spoke with his baby girl.  I left him to it.  The nurse was speaking to me.  And as she spoke, she pulled from her badge around her neck a copy of Kenna’s foot prints on a heart.  I had seen them before.  I had a copy on the fridge and Vicki had some, made a copy for Mawmaw.  But here was this nurse who had never cared for Kenna before, carrying her footprints around.

nurse: A lot of us have them.  We all wear them with our name tags.  She’s pretty special.

I could have cried again.  The nurses, even nurses who hadn’t cared for Kenna, were wearing her footprints on a heart near theirs.  My sweet soul was touching others…always.  People were thinking of her.

Her sats were lousy.  And her blood gases were lousy.  And it was nearing midnight.

S had taken his sleeping pill before I had called the hospital.  I knew he had rallied for me.  I knew that he had wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but knew I wouldn’t sleep unless I had seen Kenna for myself.  I knew all this from the way he spoke to me on the ride, the way he held me in the elevator, the very look on his face.

We couldn’t do anything more.  So, we took the nurse’s advice and went home.  I was on the phone with her again by 6am.  And the consensus was that Kenna was gradually improving.  She was now breathing 5 over the vent.  Her blood gases were improving.  She was a little more active.  At 3am she had been wide awake and looking around.

I know this is a rollercoaster, life in the NICU.  And I know that we’ve had more good nights than bad.  I know every moment of every day how lucky we are.  And I know that we have plenty of people thinking about Kenna all the time.  That gives all of us strength.

Thank you for that.

February 10th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

Happiness is doing for others…

Author: thenicknick

I like to do nice things for S.  And because I do nice things for S, he often goes out of his way to do nice things for me.  So, I really should have been better on Monday.

See, Sunday, I made brownies.  I mentioned how they were the best, how they were on sale, how I just had to bake some because I hadn’t for a while.  I’m thinking I even mentioned it on Monday.

Well, S left bright and early with my vehicle running errands that day.  Mine gets better gas mileage.  And so I was home alone with my computer…and a third of a pan of brownies.

Here’s a little something you didn’t know about me, although you probably suspected.  I like to reward myself.  It makes me happy.  And my life is all about love and happiness.  Man, did I mess up on Monday.  See the thing about happiness is that you have to be careful that your happiness doesn’t ruin someone else’s.  And that was my big mistake.

So, I’m accomplishing one item after another on my list.  And I’m pretty proud of myself.  Every time I finished something I would take a sliver of brownie as my little pick me up, my little gold star all wrapped up in chocolatey goodness.  And I was really knocking out that list…until there was only one corner of a brownie left.  And it seemed silly to have a big pan with just one corner of a brownie left.  So, I ate it and washed the pan.  And the counter was neat and tidy once more.

Only, I’m not sure S saw it that way.  And I didn’t realize it or really think about it until yesterday.  But first, here’s how the rest of Monday played out.

We were coming back from the hospital after visiting Kenna and S made a comment about the brownies.

S: I didn’t see the brownie pan.  Did you hide them from Bishop?

And I’m pretty sure I bit my bottom lip then as I pondered how to explain what happened.

me: I had an accident.

And while my sister had no idea what I meant when I said that, here’s how S responded.

S: So…you ate them.

Well, that went easier than I expected.  And he let it go.

Oh, but the gravity of the situation set in later.  See, I realized that while I was eating the rest of the brownies, S was out adding me to his phone plan…a sign of love and trust…while I was gorging myself.  Bad Nicki.  My phone had started crapping out recently.  It would die while I was on the phone with the hospital and family and clients.  It was kind of a problem, but I was coping.  S knew that was no way to run a business and that it was even worse having a sick child and a questionable phone.  And S made sure I now have my dream phone to go with that joint plan and the iron clad contract that a team of Yale educated lawyers couldn’t break.  He was giving.  And I was taking…the last brownies.

me: Thank you for my phone.  It was really unexpected.

S: You’re welcome.  You deserve the best.

me: I don’t need the best.  I didn’t ask for it.

S: Maybe that’s why I give it to you.  You never ask.

So, yes, when he brought up whether or not I had made more brownies Tuesday…I felt like a jerk.  So, yes, I’m going to be more giving.  And, yes, my man will have brownies.  Just because.  And I won’t have another accident.  And everyone will be happy.

We have much to be happy about.  Kenna is one month old today.  She is defying the odds and flourishing.  That’s our girl.  At the rate she’s growing, I’ll have to share brownies with her in no time.

February 9th, 2012  |  Posted in Happiness is...  |  No Comments »

Maybe we should check into a country club…

Author: thenicknick

Lately, S and I have been lamenting our lack of friends.

We have come to that place in our relationship where we have noticed that we spend many a quiet evening curled up on the couch at the end of a long day, watching television.  And way too often, that is how we spend our weekends.  We live in a nice neighborhood with absolutely nothing to do.

Oh, those of you who have read me for any length of time know that it was not always that way.  And the reason it wasn’t always that way was because I was the one planned and organized and hosted every event.  At our house.  And that gets old.

After a while, we started thinking that maybe after those years, it was someone else’s turn.  Only…it never was.  And that is why lately, when we have been asking ourselves where we want to be in nine years when we are done with our starter house, we have begun to question the possibility of living in a Florida Country Club.

See, there is something absolutely wonderful about having a built in social life.  That is part of the luxury of living a country club.  Most of them have golf courses, which don’t attract me.  Oh, but the beaches and the activities…they do.  I love the idea of enjoying a day at the beach without the dark side…crazy parking issues, carrying a cooler of food, and eating food with sand in it.  Nope, these Florida Country Clubs have it all…including concierge service, dining on the beach options, and waiters.  And I think I could get used to that.

I remember one Fourth of July here in Charlotte.  We were guests of a country club and enjoyed all the trappings of that lifestyle…the food, the music, the fireworks, the friends.  I could definitely get used to that.

I am participating in a blogger campaign by Bucks2Blog for Florida Country
Clubs and was compensated. However, the views and opinions are my own.

February 8th, 2012  |  Posted in Sponsored Posts  |  1 Comment »

Conquering one problem at a time…

Author: thenicknick

We go to the hospital every day.  And we have developed a few rituals during that time.  It has been almost a month.  In fact, as of today, we have earned free parking.  Yeah.  It’s the one perk of having a baby in the NICU for a month.

Our ritual is we head to the NICU.  We wash.  We visit with Kenna.  And then…we grab a soda from the vending machine and usually a king size KitKat and…a rice krispie treat from the cafeteria.

These little rituals keep us sane.  They give us something to look forward to.  S loves his rice krispie treat.  We end up going to the cafeteria and weighing the treats.  We find the one that best resembles the marshmallow brick.  And that is the one that he eats on the way home.

Only lately, the treats have left a little something to be desired.  The last few times, the treats were more like stale rice krispies, greasy krispies, and not so much treat.  The marshmallowy goodness was nowhere to be found.

Well, I had my chance to snuggle with Kenna today.  It was my turn for kangaroo care.  I held her as she cooed.  I held her as she wriggled on my chest.  It was so perfect.  She couldn’t stop speaking to me.  And I loved every minute of it.

While I was snuggling and after S had finished kissing all over both of us, he went to get a drink from the cafeteria.  I didn’t mind.  I was enjoying the quiet time with my girl.

Then he returned.

S: I spoke to the woman in the cafeteria about the rice krispie treats.

I laughed.  This is one of the many reasons I love this man.  When he wants something to change, he fixes it.

S: I asked her what was going on with the rice krispie treats.  I told her we were going to be here for another three months and how they needed to be fixed.

me: Fantastic.  So now that we’ve solved this problem, let’s work on our next challenge.

We had to try to make sure Kenna had consistent care.  Now that she had been through enough nurses, we knew who our favorites were.  We had to find out how to assign her primary care nurses.

So we walked around the NICU and talked to some of our favorite nurses.

me: Do you feel comfortable with Kenna?

one of our choices: Yes.

me: Will you please sign up to be one of her primary care nurses?

Apparently, if we want her to always be with someone we are comfortable with, we have to have many primary care nurses.  This could take a few days, but I’m confident we’ll solve that challenge like we solve all the rest of our challenges…with a little patience and a lot of effort.

February 7th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »