Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Happiness is caring for Kenna…

Author: thenicknick

Flowers from Dad and Vicki perk up my room

Mama Vicki made cupcakes for the doctors and nurses caring for us.

Kenna needs a lot of care

At the moment, we’re waiting on word from the NICU whether or not she is responding to the medicine that will close the hole in between her heart.  It normally closes on its own over the first couple of days of life.  The same cannot be said of the preemie heart.  We’ll see if the medicine works, or if we have to have surgery.  So, I’ll hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

In other news…I am bruising, red, and warm to the touch post op.  The doctor will be in to see what’s wrong with me.  I’m about half asleep most of the time.  So, I’m thinking it’s something that will be easy to treat.  I need more pills.  What I don’t need is another surgery or another reason to be stuck at the hospital any longer.

So far, I have convinced them to remove all my tubes and what not.  I managed to convince them to prescribe me some medicine to jump start my milk production.  I was frustrated that I was pumping and nothing happened.  This had never been a problem in the past.  And I didn’t need anymore frustrations.  I’ve started a regimen of regulin and it’s already working.  I’ve got milk.  I can help my baby.  And nursing is good for me, too.

I’ll be visiting Kenna in a little while.  She’s all mine…until daddy finishes work, then we share.  I love the way he loves her.  I love the way he sees her and talks to her.

We have a long haul ahead of us.  It’s only been a matter of days.  And the days are so long.  The evenings are even longer.  Sleep is short and necessary.

We’re hanging in there.  All of us.  Together.  The way it’s supposed to be.  With you help, your love, your support, and your prayers.  You give us strength to pull through.  Thank you.

January 12th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

Keeping bad thoughts at bay…

Author: thenicknick

As I write this, we have just found out that Kenna is having trouble breathing.  More than before.  Enough that they are taking her off the ventilator and moving her to the oscillator.  This is a step back.  And here’s the problem…she only can take so many steps back before she has nowhere to go.

I want to believe that she can survive.  I want to believe this because she has defied the odds from the beginning.  Years ago, I was told it would be more challenging for me to get pregnant, given that I lost an ovary to a cyst.  Factor in my advancing age which was supposed to further hinder any attempts to procreate, and you can understand why S and I didn’t waste any time trying to get pregnant.

Yes, Kenna was part of our perfect plan.

We knew we were getting married and I wasn’t getting any younger…so we threw caution to the wind…or in our case, simply left it in the nightstand drawer…and Kenna was conceived.  The very first time we tried.  The pregnancy was going great.  We passed one milestone after another.  She measured bigger than expected at every ultrasound…until four weeks ago.  Suddenly…she had stopped growing.  She had stopped making amniotic fluid.  My pre-eclampsia was messing up the placenta and her circulation.

The bed rest was prescribed starting the Thursday before Christmas.  And all the looks on all the faces at the two doctors’ offices told me that they didn’t think she’d make it through the weekend.

But Kenna defied the odds and lived.

She was still kicking the following week, still with us at the next appointment.  We were both stable.  Mostly.  I would do whatever it took, even if it very nearly killed me.

And by the appointment on Monday, it looked like it might.  There were concerns about my liver functions, my kidneys, the potential for a stroke and seizures.  We had to hurry and get her out to have a chance to save both of us.  That’s what happened.

Kenna was born on Monday.  At a mere 9 ounces, she was the smallest baby in the NICU.  She is the smallest baby my doctor has ever delivered alive.  She has already lasted longer than they ever expected or believed or imagined.

Because of that, I can’t imagine her not making it, not surviving, not going all the way.

But I’m scared.  Really scared.  I’m scared because she’s SO SMALL.  I’m scared because she’s going backwards in the hopes that the new machine will help her get to the point where she’s strong enough to go forward.  I’m scared because I worry that her little body will simply give out.  I’m scared because I love her and I don’t want to lose her.  Of course, I also don’t want to be selfish and have her living in pain, just to spare myself yet another loss.  I’m not that selfish.  Really.

Oh, but I am that stubborn.  And so is her ginger father.  Kenna seems to have acquired some of that from our genetic soup.  Her blood type is A+.  That’s almost like getting a gold star, right?  And I can’t imagine a baby who has so many people who love her and are thinking of her not making it.  I can’t imagine her giving up or giving out.  I just can’t.

So, I’m chasing away the bad thoughts with all the good that surrounds me.  My husband and son have settled into the hospital room for the night.  And people are sending their love, their virtual hugs, and their words of encouragement.  It helps more than you can imagine.

January 11th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  2 Comments »

Oh, bleak day…

Author: thenicknick

Okay.  So, here’s how Monday went.

We drove to one of S’s distributors and picked up the siding for a job.  We contemplated Chick-fil-A for breakfast after our 9am appointment with the high risk doctor.  And then there was no after.

The ultrasound tech took one look at Kenna and pronounced her in distress.  The doctor, the one who was all full of hope, sent me to the hospital…right across the road.  I was admitted and had a team of nurses working on me by 10:30am.  Lab work was ordered to see if my disease had progressed.  It had.

My platelet count was dropping.  My liver wasn’t working.  My blood pressure was no good.  And I was having a lot of contractions, during which Kenna’s heart was decelerating.  So, I had nothing good to report.

Soon the anesthesiologist was there to talk to me about the options.  If my platelets dropped too far, he wouldn’t be able to do a spinal and I’d have to be put under.  We didn’t want that.

There was a consult with my OB/GYN and the neonatologist…preemie doctor.  They were concerned that even if they delivered Kenna by c-section that she might be too small to be intubated and she’d die.  If they left her in, she was definitely going to die.  So, I opted to be sliced open.

It wasn’t easy.  The spinal took forever.  He had to keep giving me shots of lidocaine before he could make yet another attempt at the spinal.  Finally, that was completed.  And I tried to be myself.  I tried to not be afraid of what could happen.

One masked face after another was introduced.  I thanked every one.

S was with me.  He caressed my hand and rubbed my arm and held my kidney dish.  Don’t judge.  You’d probably puke, too, is someone was tugging and rolling around your internal organs.  Or maybe not.

All I know is that Kenna was released from the Armageddon-like confines of my womb at 3:12pm on January 9, 2012.  She weighed in at 9 ounces and is 9 1/2 inches long.  Her father says she looks just like me, poor kid.  And I hope she has his metabolism and height.  So, far she has exhibited a fighting spirit that I like to think runs strong in both of us.

They tell us that she’s the smallest baby they’ve had survive this long.  Just once, I’d like to be the exception and not the rule.  I’d like to have a happy ending.  It’s too soon to tell.  What I can tell you is that I wouldn’t have lasted this long without all the words of love, encouragement, support, and prayer.  For that, I thank you…we thank you.

January 10th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

The rare Sunday post…

Author: thenicknick

…because I’m not sure what’s going to happen the rest of the night or tomorrow morning.

I’m not feeling overly inspired at the moment.

What I am feeling is hungry…but I hate eating.  Bet you never thought you’d hear me say that.  Well, eating is zero fun when I feel sicker and less satisfied after.  I eat and the epigastric pain increases.  So, I force down food.  S helps.  He has become really pushy about that.  And I know it’s important for Kenna to get some nutrients so I do the best I can.

I’ve had both of the betamethasone shots that we needed to mature Kenna’s lungs.  My butt…is healing.  Just in time for my next shot of progesterone on Thursday.

If I make it that far.

I wanted to make it to 28 weeks, but since that is three and a half weeks off…I just don’t know if I can.  My doctors would like me to make it another week and a half…anything after 26.  And I’m trying.  I really am.  I just hurt.  And that hurt is wearing me down.

This experience has given me a greater appreciation for those suffering from ailments involving chronic pain.  I have a really high pain tolerance, but sometimes…it’s just too much.  The steroid shots that were supposed to have the lovely side effect of keeping me really comfortable for the rest of the weekend wore off by late Saturday afternoon.  By 10pm, I broke down and took an acetaminophen.  And then another at 3am, 4:30am, 7:30am, and just about noon on Sunday.  I’m only supposed to have 8 in a 24 hour period.  When these wear off…I’m dead.  There’s no sleeping off this pain…obviously.  And pain is no good for the blood pressure.

While I have an appointment with the high risk pregnancy doctor at 9am on Monday…I’m not sure what’s going to happen.  I’m not sure I’ll make it that long. But I’m trying.

Kenna is barely moving, which is even greater cause for concern than how I feel.  I will heal.  I am tough.  I have been through this enough times that I know once I deliver, I will be on the mend.  The pain…other than the surgery pain…will cease.  I will be back to my normal self, the one that I like and S loves.

We knew there was going to be a balance…how long I could last versus how long she could.

So, while I lay here and breathe through the pain, I think happy thoughts.  I picture the little girl I hope to push on a swing.  I imagine her playing with Bishop.  My heart swells when I picture her snuggled up in her father’s lap.  Some day, I hope to bake cookies together.  I dream of bedtime stories and singing her to sleep.  And all these struggles will fade into a distant memory.

Please keep us in your thoughts.  It’s the only way we’ve made it this far.  Your kind words on Twitter and Facebook have truly bolstered my spirit.  And I really need that right now.

Much appreciated.

January 8th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

Where would I be without ecommerce solutions?

Author: thenicknick

It’s no secret that I’m a last minute shopper.  Of course, this is mostly because I’m on a shoestring budget.  And for those that have been reading me any length of time, you know that I’ve been on bed rest since before Christmas.  And I wasn’t feeling like my normal perky self since before that.

It’s an ecommerce solution that helped us make it through Christmas.  I don’t know what I would have done otherwise. Thank goodness for ecommerce solutions.  Yes, I know I already said that, but sometimes, when something is that important and you’re really trying to get your point across, it’s worth repeating.  So…yay, ecommerce!

I did all of my holiday shopping online for Christmas this year.  And actually, over the last few years, I have used it for Mother’s Day, my mother’s birthday, my daughter’s birthday, our wedding planning, and now for our soon to be born baby.  I’m sure I will be using it a lot more.

And this is why.

First, with a preemie, there’s no mingling with the masses.  People are naturally drawn to infants.  And infants with no immune system seem to be a natural draw for germs.  Ecommerce means that I keep the new little one safe.  And while pregnant, it means I avoid waiting in lines.  I shop from the comfort of the couch.  I highly recommend it if you are busy, if you are short on time, if you value your time, if you can think of better ways to spend you time…and save gas!  I only wish I could find a way to make money on ecommerce instead of just spending my money on ecommerce.

Give me time.

I am participating in a blog campaign for Bucks2Blog for an ecommerce
solution company and was compensated. However, the views and opinions are
my own.

January 6th, 2012  |  Posted in Sponsored Posts  |  No Comments »

Happiness is being a human pincushion…

Author: thenicknick

It has been a long two weeks.  During that time I’ve been to the doctor, counting today…seven times.  And there was that one trip to the hospital.

I guess that time hasn’t been uneventful.  Not in the least.

There have been contractions and concerns.  There have been moments that I treasured with friends and family.  There have been quiet nights on the couch and even quieter days.

It has been stressful for all of us.

S has held up better than I expected.  Really.  He doesn’t do stress that well.  For some reason and somehow he is able to totally play beyond himself and hold it together when I need him.  And I really only remember him yelling at me once in all that time despite all that frustration…and I probably deserved it.  And because he ended up talking to me like he does Bishop, I even laughed.

S: Dammit, Nicki.  You just got out of the hospital.  What do you need?

me: I have to plug in my laptop.

S: I’ll do it.  Now lay on your couch.  Lay on your couch.

me: You just Bishoped me.

S: Lay on your couch.

And all was well.

So, here we are, at the big day.  Today, I become the human pincushion.  This will be progesterone shot number six and betamethasone shot number one of two.  Two will come on Friday.

I had blood drawn, only three vials, on Tuesday.  And I had joked with the lab tech.

me: Hey, everything in the middle may be falling apart, but I hear I have great veins and a good cervix.

lab tech: Eh, your veins.  I’ve seen better.

me: Is it the swelling from the pre-eclampsia?

She nodded.  So, I don’t even have veins anymore.  If the doctor today makes any disparaging remarks about my cervix, I may just curl up in a ball in some corner.  Nah.  I’m not really that invested in my cervix.  I’m more interested in how Kenna is holding up.

The needles, the failing body, none of that matters.  I will recover.  I always do.  These days, it’s all about her.  I’m doing whatever it takes to keep Kenna safe.  And I’m happy to do it.

January 5th, 2012  |  Posted in Happiness is...  |  1 Comment »

I have got to stay off those sites!

Author: thenicknick

Yup.  Whenever I start having a problem with the pregnancy, I like to research it before I call the doctor in a panic.  I like to be informed.  And I think she likes that I’m informed.  Unless I step on her toes too much.

Nah.

So, the other night I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid.  I started doing the research and ended up on a pregnancy site where there are message boards and women post questions and answers.  Some of them even have a medical background.  (Usually I prefer the Mayo Clinic, but they didn’t have the answer I wanted.)  I suppose I was looking for reassurance, that there were other women out there who had gone through this and come out on top.  I wanted my light at the end of the tunnel, my beacon of hope.  Yeah, I’m greedy like that.

Instead, I managed to read a bunch of posts from women more afraid and less educated than I was.  And when I say educated, I simply mean that they hadn’t done the research, their questions and comments were less than helpful, and they bordered on the ridiculous.  Like the woman who wanted to know if she should call the doctor since she was having steady regular contractions and she was pretty sure her water had broken since she was wet through and through.  Um, yeah.  Call.  And how long was she going to wait on a response, anyway?  Common sense people.

Then there was the woman who talked about the fact that she was having ‘the worst pregnancy ever’ because she had placenta previa.  Okay.  I didn’t have it this time, but for Rachel I had placenta previa, a 70% abruption, was hospitalized twice with pre-eclampsia, spent six weeks on bed rest, and then was induced.  And that still wasn’t my worst pregnancy.

I suppose it’s all relative.  I just wonder how some of these women are going to handle the big stuff if the inconveniences that arise with being pregnant are so challenging, such a stumbling block.  What do they do when the baby is sick and inconsolable for days, running a fever and can’t breathe?

Maybe we really are given just as much as we can handle.  Maybe my attitude has the powers that be pondering what to throw at me next.  Give her more.  She can take it. Because aside from moments of exhaustion and bouts of anxiety, I think I’m doing okay.  My spirit is strong.  I’m beyond determined to have a healthy outcome.  And because of all that, I’ll do whatever it takes.

And after I explained to S yesterday that I might have some kind of infection, but the baby was doing well, it occurred to me that I may be bigger, but right now she definitely seems stronger.  I’m so proud.  We are handling everything that’s thrown at us.  The doctors didn’t think she was going to make it this far.  Now, they are less concerned with her and more worried about me.

I’m thinking I may be a little worried, too.  Maybe she is going to be ridiculously stubborn.  S and I both are in our own ways.  Maybe she is going to be all headstrong.  This one will keep us on our toes.  I can feel it.  And I’m so looking forward to it.  I can’t wait to meet her, but I’ll wait as long as we can.

January 4th, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

Looking on the bright side…

Author: thenicknick

I had another post ready for today, but had I shared that, I wouldn’t have been able to tell to you about my impromptu appointment that I had this morning.  Yes, to the doctor and back before 9am.  That’s how I roll.

So, last night I thought I might be leaking amniotic fluid and after hemming and hawing an edict was made.

S: Are you calling the doctor or am I?

And because I’d feel really ridiculous if he did it, I called…at 10pm.  I wasn’t thrilled.  I hate being a bother.  And I imagined my doctor relaxing, getting ready for bed, and then ordering me to the hospital for what would surely turn out to be a false alarm.  Like most people, I’m not a huge fan of hospitals.  I’ve spent entirely too much pregnant time in them.

Luckily, she simply insisted on seeing me at 8am.  I was the first appointment of the day.  And, yes, I felt adequately special.

The determination was that I am NOT leaking amniotic fluid.  Yay!  Since I’m already low, leaking what little I had could be horrible.  And then there was the rest of the news.

My protein is up some to a +1.  My blood pressure is mostly hanging in there, but slightly higher than before.  And she sees signs of an infection.  So, they took blood, a urine culture, and sent me home with a jug.  I have to do a 24 hour creatinin clearance.

For those of you who have never had to perform such a feat…this will be my third, I believe…here’s how it works.  I tinkle tomorrow morning in the potty like a big girl, then I have to spend the next 24 hours tinkling into the jug.  Every drop is sacred.  And that is that.

I will turn in my jug Thursday at the appointment we already have scheduled.  In the meantime, I will receive a call tomorrow if any of the lab work comes back funky.  Otherwise…Thursday is the big day.

It feels like some huge milestone making it to Thursday.  I just want to get these shots to know that Kenna will have a chance.  From there, they still want to keep her in as long as it is safe for both of us.  And I would love to go several more weeks.  How amazing would it be if we actually made it long enough that she was just small, but never in grave danger?

I believe in miracles.  And every day that I make it, we’re closer to having our little girl.

January 3rd, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  No Comments »

Looking ahead…

Author: thenicknick

That’s what I’m doing.

I have a big week ahead of me.  Thursday is huge.  And I’m so excited.  I can’t wait.  There will be two appointments that day.  The first is the one where I hope to get really decent news from the high risk doctor.  I hope that he will realize that we’re fighters.

That doctor…well, it felt like he wrote me off after the appointment.  So, part of me wants to be all…in your face!  And another part of me knows that in reality, I will simply react with the grace and class I am known for.

Dagnabit.

Then I see my OB/GYN.  She will be…right across the road.  And we will take it from there.  Shots.  A couple of shots. One progesterone.  One betamethasone.  I’ll need the second betamethasone on Friday.

We’ll be deciding how much longer Kenna and I can last.  If we’re both doing well, we’ll stick it out for a while longer.  I’ve got this bed rest thing down.  I can do it.

At the same time, the epigastric pain has been getting to me.  There have been days that I have been about inconsolable.  Nothing is working.  I’m using Tums, Prilosec, and Acetaminophen.  And the pain is making it difficult for me to breathe or rest or sleep at the end of the day.  Still, if my protein is good and my pressure is good, and my swelling is good, I’ll be staying pregnant a while longer…unless Kenna is in distress.

It’s all about a delicate balance here.  And man, I hate scales.  I don’t even know what I weigh right now.  It keeps me happy.  Otherwise, I’ll want to stop eating.  And we can’t have that right now.  After the baby is out there will be plenty of time to lose all that weight.

So, I’m happy and focused.  The next few days are going to fly.  I have lots of work to do and so much that I am trying to accomplish before I’m recovering from the c-section.  I wanted a natural delivery, but the doctor doesn’t think Kenna would survive.  And it’s all about doing what’s best for her.

S keeps reminding me that I’ll have time to get things done while she’s in the hospital.  And I’ll be feeling better so I should be way more productive.  I hate feeling sluggish.  Those days are numbered.  And the hope and optimism are strong.

January 2nd, 2012  |  Posted in Reflections  |  2 Comments »