Even the micro-preemie hat is too big for Kenna.

We had a lot planned.  And in all honesty, the weekend could have gone either way.  The stress of it all, the constant motion, the demands on our time could have resulted in a meltdown, or we could really have the best weekend that we’ve had in a long time.

And thankfully…it all went right.

We managed to make it to the hospital before dinner with our friends on Friday night at Monterrey’s.  It’s our spot.  And it is the one place we all get together on occasion…and for special occasions.  This occasion…Lonnie and Lindsay were giving up Monterry’s and a long list of items for Lent.  We had to fulfill their Monterrey’s fix and fast.  So we did.

That night, I called the hospital.  It was the best news I’d had in a long time.  The gist of it was that Kenna was stable…good even.  And they were going to be allowing us to do kangaroo care.  S and I were ecstatic.  Our first chance to hold Kenna.  Yay!

We knew that even though we were going to visit on Saturday that it wouldn’t be a good day for kangaroo care.  No, we were going to be covered in kid germs.  Oh, but I’ll get to that part.  The main idea is that other than the Superbowl, we had big plans for Sunday.

So, Saturday morning came early.  We had to go to Belmont to show two of our three boats.  You may recall that we traded our one live aboard sailboat for three boats.  Yes…three boats.  One pontoon boat that we imagined using with friends and family on the area lakes, and two sailing vessels: a Hobie Cat and a Sunfish that we knew we’d never use.  Our money was tied up in boats.  And over the winter, we felt it, but knew we’d never be able to remedy it.

The weather has been unseasonably warm, so I put up an ad on my buddy Craigslist.  We had calls and showings galore.  Last weekend we almost sold the pontoon boat.  And this weekend…we sold all three.  And it couldn’t have come at a better time.  We had insurance due in a huge lump sum, we had numerous payments due, and S was struggling to figure out where we were going to get the money.

I figured I’d just have to find this elusive black market and sell a kidney.  No harm.  No foul.

Only…now I can keep my kidneys!  And we have the money to pay those bills.  And that is all.  And that is enough.  It’s a start.

So, we did that.  We sold two boats on Saturday.  We left Belmont to the west of Charlotte and ran to Mint Hill on the far east of Charlotte to sign a contract with a homeowner.  And then we shopped for Emma’s birthday before heading back to Belmont to…Emma’s birthday.  Our cute little ginger niece turned 4.

It was a great party…black light 3-D mini golf.  We love mini golf.  And we love our niece and nephew, too.  Dad was there.  There was much joking around…and cake.  I love cake.  And birthday cake ice cream…which was like…double cake.

Then it was off to the hospital where we managed to feed and change and take Kenna’s temp.  She was sleepy, so we didn’t stay long, but we more than made up for it on Sunday.

Saturday was a long day.  And our only disappointment was the sheer exhaustion…we didn’t make it home until 9pm…and The Hangover Part Two. Don’t do it.  We rented it.  And regretted it.

Then it was Sunday.  And I was doing everything I could to get ready for our visit with Kenna.  I did the grocery shopping while S slept.  I picked up.  I showered.  I was good to go.  Then…an email.  There was a guy who had seen our Hobie Cat the weekend before.  And he wanted to buy it.  Could we really sell all three boats all at once in one weekend?  Apparently.  Our life is full of miracles right now.

So S made the deal while I made brownies…because if you’re grocery shopping and find Gheridelli brownies on sale for $1.92…you buy them!  And then we left for the hospital.  It was a long and amazing visit.  S held Kenna for nearly an hour and a half.  It was perfect.  Check it out.  And I recorded the event for posterity.  I even took a video of Kenna making happy snuggling noises and talking with us.

Then we went home and sold the other boat.

It was a magical weekend.  It was just the kind of weekend we needed, filled with work and fun, with business and pleasure, with family and friends.  There were moments we’ll treasure forever, and moments that truly saved our financial life.  Maybe life is on the upswing.  Our visit with Kenna are.

I know with absolute certainty…we are blessed.

See, S has never had his wisdom teeth removed.  Never.  And while there are plenty of 31 year olds out there with their wisdom teeth, my 31 year old is often suffering because of it.  Part of the problem at the moment is that he doesn’t want to spend the money on having them removed.  The other part…is part fear of the unknown.

Now you know me.  I am older and wiser.  I have experience in that department.  Why, at the tender age of 18, I had my wisdom teeth removed.  It was the best surgery I ever had.  And I owe that pleasant experience to sedation dentistry.  Had I lived in Tennessee at the time, I would have tried to go to sedation dentistry Nashville.

While I knew I had four teeth that were impacted and going to be removed, I didn’t have to worry about it.  All I had to do…and this was the hardest part…was not eat after midnight the night before the surgery.  I arrived at the dentist.  My mommy brought me.  And they gave me an IV.  That’s the last thing I remember before waking up in the recovery room.  And that’s how I like it.

We drove back to my mom’s.  I was starving.  Remember, I hadn’t eaten that day.  And it had to be nearly 11am.  I was young and had great metabolism.  So, I sat at the counter with a mirror, since I still couldn’t feel my face.  And I ate ice cream, which was incredibly challenging since I couldn’t suck in my bottom lip.  It wasn’t pretty, but I got the job done.

me: I’ll buy you ice cream.

S: What?

me: When you have your wisdom teeth removed and you can’t eat chicken…I’ll buy you ice cream.

So, he has that to look forward to.  And as much as my man enjoys his naps, he should look forward to that, too.

I am participating in a blogger campaign by Bucks2Blog for sedation
dentistry nashville and was compensated. However, the views and opinions
are my own.

We started with Bishop having an impromptu play date with the puppy pit bull from across the road at 7:30am.  Yes, the minute Guado gets let out, he heads over to our house.  So, we let him in to play.

Then we had a meeting with a new window company at 9am.  That meeting lasted for nearly two hours, but was worth every minute.  They are going to be a part of our big plan for the year.  We have already sold one window job.  We have another estimate today.  And we look forward to many more to come.

Then S went to do an estimate on a house.  It wasn’t exactly what he thought.  The guy he met hasn’t even bought the house yet, so the estimate is going to act as something of a bidding tool and may never turn into any actual work.  It wasn’t ideal, but it was close to home so that meant he didn’t waste a lot of gas.

When he returned with a nice big fat soda for me he had more news.  (I am living on caffeine these days…)  We had a meeting with a siding company.  Now this is a huge company.  We have been trying to work with them and get taken seriously by them for years.  YEARS.

After all the work we’ve done, they were excited to start working with us and help us grow.  Woo hoo!  And they are thrilled because we understand about marketing and SEO and social marketing and all that jazz.  In fact, they are impressed.  The rep said that there are maybe twenty-five companies in all of Charlotte that do this and the rest of them have store fronts.  We work out of the house.  I like it that way.  S wants to get bigger.  And that’s fine…as long as he understands that if we go that route, every day is ‘take your daughter to work’ day.  Yeah, Kenna comes with…at least until she’s ready for pre-school.

So, it was a hugely busy day.  And a productive day.  And you know how productive days make me happy.

We spent all day talking about work and our baby girl.  She’s a huge motivation for our success.  We are working so hard to build this business.  And I’m so glad that it finally feels like all of our work is paying off.  See, S knows remodeling.  He knows products and installation.  He knows sales.  I know computers and marketing and words.  Together, we are quite the team.

The last rep we spoke with wanted to know our sales techniques.  We told him what we’ve been telling people for ages.  We don’t sell jobs, we build relationships.  We do good work so that we are trusted.  We keep our word so our homeowners love us.  And that’s how we get our referral business.  It’s very nearly remodeling season again.  Rumor has it that the economy is improving.  If that’s true, we will be busy and happy.

Right now, with a healing Kenna and potential work…I’m already happy.

But yes, it was just Tuesday.

I had called the nurse in the morning feeling all happy and confident.  Kenna had responded so well to the new steroids.  Her breathing was much better, her settings changed, and the overall outlook…very positive.  And that’s when I always get yanked back down to earth by the universe.  The universe was all you’re too happy, too comfortable…take that! And then I heard the report from Kenna’s nurse.

Yes, Kenna had a few bradys the night before.  Her heart had slowed dangerously.  She had required intervention to get it together.  And the end result was that a new echo was ordered and her forward progress instantly halted.

I was beside myself that morning, while S slept.  And I tried to distract myself for as long as I could…which was about ten minutes…before I woke him to suffer with me.  Only S doesn’t suffer with me.  He’s a dad.

S: Kenna’s fine.

Only in my mind, she wasn’t fine and he needed to get up and get his to do list done so we could get the heck up to the hospital.  I needed to see my baby.

By the time we were heading up there, it was noon.  And he knew not to do anything to hinder our progress.  We made it there in record time.  I drove.  I like driving.  And I needed to feel in control of something.  That something was my vehicle.

We studied Kenna critically.  We worried over what we imagined might be a distended belly.  We agonized over her coloring.  Was she yellower than before?  We saw that she had already removed her gavage tube.  Yes, she’s crafty like that.  And I’m convinced she’d rather use a bottle than that tube.   My baby wants to taste and suck.  She had figured out how to get some of the dangling tape into her mouth and was sucking on that for emphasis.

The report from the nurse formerly known as nurse doom…was positive.  (Hence my renaming of her to nurse optimist.)  And she explained that Kenna’s reaction to our presence…high sats…was a good thing.  She told us that her belly was the same exact size it had been.  She measured it.  And she tried to find the doctor to talk to us.  I love this doctor…the same one there for Kenna’s delivery.

While he wasn’t available to talk then, she assured us he would call with news once he had examined her and had received the labs and test results.

That’s why the phone rang mid-afternoon.  And that’s why I answered it.  And that’s why we had some seriously good news.

This doctor calls Kenna a special case, an unusual case.  And she is.  She defies the odds.  She is a toughy, a fighter.  He had moved her to a regular ventilator.  He felt her earlier bradys were her way of letting him know that she had had enough of the oscillator.  We’ll see how she does.  But her labs show that she isn’t having trouble making albumin and he’s convinced the bad bilirubin will be remedied if they can just get her to poop more.  That’s why more glycerin has been ordered.

Once again he sounded pleased…amazed even as he reported her results.  And I don’t know why.  Kenna is one determined baby girl.  Just watch her grow.

See, my life is all about love…the love I have for my children, my family members, my friends, and most of all the love I have for S.  While everyone but Kenna has been around a reasonably long time, S has been new.  Our relationship is closing in on four years old this June.  (The blog will be three!)  And our marriage will be a year old in September.

I remember Julia’s conversation with her mother from the beginning of the book, just before Julia left for Burma.  I remember the mother explaining the relationship with her father, where there was no trust, where she had to spy on him.  I remember how he told her he would love her, but not necessarily the kind of love that she wanted.  In truth, his heart always belonged to another.  And yet Julia’s mother married him anyway.  She was too proud, too stubborn not to.

And I understand that.

I think, in part, that was how the relationship with S started out.  He told me from the beginning that he was still trying to get over an ex, that he didn’t know if he could love me.  And I didn’t care about being loved.  I didn’t look at him as forever.  I looked at him as a lovely distraction and a really good friend.  We had this…connection that couldn’t be denied.

Time passed.  He went from not knowing if he could love me to loving me, but not being in love with me.  And I was fine with that.  I figured by then that I could love enough for the both of us.  I had never known anyone who needed my love more.

More time passed.  He finally realized that he not only loved me, but was also in love with me.  He just wasn’t ready to be an instant dad to a teen and a tween.  He still felt like a kid himself.  And in all his years imagining marriage…she was younger and had never been married.  They had all their firsts to enjoy together.  I understood that.  I didn’t imagine falling for a younger man.  I didn’t need to spend my years worrying about losing to a younger woman.

I tried to walk away.  I really did.

Only that wasn’t to be.  Sometimes the connection is too great.  Sometimes the connection overcomes what was once a thought to be too great a stumbling block.  Sometimes you have to simply accept that life is progressing as it should, even if it doesn’t entirely fit with your vision.

He came after me.

S asked me to marry him, even if he wasn’t entirely ready to marry yet.  He asked me to live with him and be his family even though he wasn’t sure how to be a family yet.  He built a life with me even though he wasn’t sure it was the life he wanted yet.

And once he accepted it, accepted that it was me…it had always been me in his heart…we married.

There were those who thought that he would get cold feet.  Instead, he was rushing me to get to the marina where we were wed.  There were those that thought he would have to be talked off the ledge before our nuptials.  Instead, he was calm and collected.

We’ve been through so much in the last three and a half years.  The product of our love is currently on life support.  Ah, but love is strong.  And her father has changed immensely.  He has faith that Kenna will come through this.  He tells me not to worry about things I can’t control.  I think those are the only things worth worrying about.  If I can control something, I don’t have to worry about it now, do I?

What I know for certain is that the only way we’re going to get through the next few months is the same way we’ve made it through these last few years.  We’ll love each other through it.

I received this novel for free through From Left to Write online book club.  This in no way impacted my review.

And I should be really happy about that.  And I am, but this happiness is overshadowed.

Rachel graduates today.

There’s a name you haven’t heard in a while.  And there are reasons for that, reasons I don’t understand.  All I know is that she moved out, moved in with her boyfriend and hasn’t spoken to me since.  She kept her word.  In our last conversation, she told me she was never going to speak to me again.

I have tried to call several times, but she sent me straight to voice mail.  I even sent a congratulations text when I heard she was graduating.  She didn’t respond.  So Rachel has kept her word.  She’s still not speaking to me.

We talk about her sometimes…S and I.  We have to because now we have a daughter.  And I’m afraid that I will go through all this again and just lose her in the end.  Luckily, I have S to talk me off the ledge.

S: Kenna’s my daughter, too.  It will be different.  She’ll have two parents who work together, instead of one parent who undermines the other.

I sniffled and nodded.

S: Our relationship is different.  We’re going to raise Kenna different.

He’s right.  Our relationship is different.  He’s home at night and on weekends.  He spends time with me.  He includes me in everything.  We don’t have secrets.  Our lives are blissfully intertwined because of work.

I remember when I separated from the ex.  We had been married for fifteen years and it was easy to separate from him…we were less together than S and I are now.  Crazy, huh?  We had two kids.  We had a house.  We had vehicles.  And yet…there was nothing to it.  I can’t say the same for the kind of life S and I have.  It wouldn’t be that easy.

And I’m glad of that.  I’m thrilled for the life we have.  The life we’re going to have.

I was telling Kenna all about it yesterday.  She was listening so attentively as I told her about all the many places we would go and the many things daddy and I couldn’t wait to do with her.  I told her how her father and I were known for our side trips.  I told her about the time we visited Jennie and got lost, so we ended up going to the zoo.  And I told her about the time we had such a rough sailing vacation last summer that we had to take a vacation from our vacation and stopped in Myrtle Beach on the way home from Charleston.  And I told her that I couldn’t wait to take her and daddy to Atlanta.  I have a love affair with the Georgia Aquarium.  And I can’t wait to see her play in the fountains at Olympic Park.

So, I’m powering through the rest of today, which promises to be a challenging day.  We have an insurance audit that I have no choice in attending and a graduation I’m not invited to.  Sounds about right.

And I’m going to focus on the happy and the things I can control.  Kenna is my happy…even though her health is out of my control.

A dawn from better days...at our boat in Charleston.

We were up at the butt crack of dawn on Friday.  S had to leave the house by 7am to do some work.  He had warned me he might be gone all day, but instead was done by 10:30am.

I was looking forward to my time.  When he’s home, he finds just shy of three million things for me to do…things that can only be done by me…and then he takes a nap.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like him well rested.  Sleep deprived S is a grizzly bear.  So, I usually get to work and let him sleep.

Only, this means that I don’t get much done that I need and want to do.  And I have so very much that I need to get done these days.  Really I do.  And that’s why his return at 10:30am was a bit of a disappointment.

We accomplished a few things and I let him nap while I went for a very long walk.  And it was only knowing that he hates being disturbed during these naps and that it wasn’t a true emergency on my part that kept me from calling him to come pick me up from my walk.  Yes, this is one of those ‘my eyes were bigger than my stomach’ moments only I haven’t taken the time to figure out how to relate that to walking post c-section and over estimating my abilities instead it relating to food.  I’m better with food.  Which probably also explains my need to exercise.  Welcome to my vicious circle.

I had posted the pontoon boat on Craigslist.  We need to sell it.  And the weather was beautiful yesterday…unseasonably warm, perfect sky.  Anyone with a few dollars burning a hole in their pocket was thinking boat yesterday.  And many of them called.  So, we had to drive to S’s sister’s a half hour away the other direction from the hospital to show the boat.

And I figured we’d have plenty of time to get to the hospital since…it was only 3:30pm.  The last guy to see it was coming at 5:30pm.  It was going to be great.  Spend a little time with his father and niece and nephew while S showed the boat and his sister and her husband were at work.  Then go see Kenna.

Only…upon exiting the vehicle, I realized my tired was losing air through a nail hole.  Because that’s how my luck goes.  And the guy who said he wanted to buy the boat at 6pm said he’d be back in an hour with the deposit only he never showed up.  And that’s how our luck goes.  And nothing was going according to plan, which didn’t phase me much, but for some reason seemed to be shocking the heck out of S despite his aforementioned acceptance of our lousy luck.

So we made some phone calls, attempted some problem solving, and S managed to convince the guy at Sears to have pity on us since we were nowhere near home and really needed to get there.  That was nothing like our luck and reassured S that there were good and kind people in this world.  Huh.

That’s why I was alone with the kids while the guys left.  And that’s why I went so long without pumping that I was beyond uncomfortable when the vehicle was finally repaired and we had eaten dinner at 9pm.  And that’s why we didn’t make it to the hospital even though I had vowed to go every day.

S reminded me that we couldn’t afford it.  And I held my tongue because…I know he’s right and things keep creeping up, or losing air, or needing repair, or not going as planned.  So, I guess we’re really grateful that Vicki, S’s step-mom, started the Caring for Kenna charity.  She’s wise and thoughtful.  She saw that we were hemorrhaging money and did something about it.  So, thank you, Vicki.

I was already sad on the drive home.  I felt like the worst mom ever.  And that’s when S and I had a talk.  And it started something like this…

S: I should have married for money.

me: What did you marry for?

S: I don’t know.

me: Love the honesty.

S: Nicki, I’m kidding.  I married because it made sense.

me: How romantic.

S: Seriously, you know I married you because I love you.  (He looked at me then, staring out the window.)  You do know I love you, right? (And he started petting my hair.) Because I just said it and everything.

me: I know.

S: Nicki, we couldn’t make it through all this if we didn’t love each other.  It just wouldn’t be possible without love.

I smiled then…because for a moment…he sounded just like me.

It’s the dawning of a new day.  A fresh start.  Maybe the boat will sell today.  We’ll definitely make it to the hospital.  And we have a friend’s birthday celebration tonight.  It will be a good day for life and love.

My babies are such a blessing.

There’s something I never anticipated, however.  And that is…the gift that Kenna would give to us.

I’m not sure where to begin.

How about with…family is everything.  At least…it is to me.  I’ve always longed to have this big close family.  It’s what I’ve always been drawn to.  I grew up with a small family.  And we were close.  We did church together and Sunday lunch together and all of our holidays together.  And then I married.  I tried to have the family I had growing up.  Only the ex never wanted to go to church with us and his family messed up most holidays.  So, when I had the urge to move south, to start anew…the pull of promise was so much greater than all I was leaving behind.

I had hoped that the ex and I could have a new start far away from our problems.  Only…that didn’t happen.  I held on as long as I could.  Maybe I held on too long.  All that matters is that I’m happy now and I feel like I am where I was meant to be.  I’m having my second chance at love, at life, at family.

So Kenna was a gift.  She was so hard to come by.  And every day is still touch and go.

My dream of a family…still alive and kicking even though it has seemed so far away.

Rachel had moved out.  I was having issues with other family members.  S wasn’t feeling particularly warm and fuzzy toward his family.  And it felt like it was the two of us against the world.

Then Kenna was born.  Everything changed.

Dad and Vicki were at the hospital all day with us.  And I felt guilty because they arrived just before I was getting prepped for surgery.  It made for a long day for them.  It had already been a long day for us.

They stayed to see Kenna.  They stayed to see me.  We all talked once I was in my room.  And there were more visits, lots of visits, so many visits that the time in the hospital was a blur.  Dad and Vicki and Mawmaw and Christie, S’s sister, and Lonnie and Lindsay all spent time with me.  S was a constant fixture.

It didn’t end there.

That was just the beginning.

Soon, there was more healing.  Lots of healing.  Relationships that were strained…healed.  And I am so very happy about that.

It’s like a wonderful unexpected gift.  Kenna’s gift for us.

Babies are a blessing.  They have a wonderful way of bringing people together, reminding them how precious life is.  Ah, but Kenna has done even more.  She has given all of us a common goal.  We are all working together, getting closer, talking more, interacting more, all because we want Kenna to live.  It’s a gift that transcends family.

I am now getting closer to people I haven’t been close to for years…maybe ever.  Mere acquaintances have become friends.  And friends…well they are now family.  It’s not a bad way to live.

Kenna has quite the reach.

And I’m hoping her gift doesn’t begin and end with our family.  I’m hoping that everyone who reads is touched by my baby girl.  My wish for all of you is that you realize what a gift life is, how precious time is and that you stop wasting both.  I hope that you think about Kenna and snuggle closer to your spouse, kiss your kids more, pet your pooch, call your mom, make up with anyone you need to.

Think of Kenna and know that life and time are a precious gift.  Make the most of them.

Her progress these days is less exciting.

At first there was mad progress.  Tons of stuff to constantly report.  She was living under a plastic sheet inside a plastic sealed box.  She was under bili lights.  She was on dopamine for her blood pressure.  She was teeny tiny, but now she’s gaining weight.  There’s been a lot of progress the last two weeks.  Now…it has tapered off.

Kenna is stable.  Stable is good.  Oh, but I get bored and I want progress.  I want to hear that she pooped…finally.  I want to hear that she’s off the oscillator and the ventilator.  She finally just started eating.

Okay.  It’s more than all that.  I want her home.  I know it’s too soon.  I know she’s nowhere near ready yet.  And even though I tell people all the time that she will be in the hospital until at least April, maybe May, I shudder and cringe when I think about how far away that really is.  Because…it’s so far.  It’s so long.

Still, progress is better than regressing.  It is so much better than her getting sicker.  She doesn’t have an infection.  She doesn’t have any bleeds on the brain.  We have much to be happy about.  Of course, I’ll be even happier when I can touch her.  I’ll be even happier when I can hold her.

Any progress is good progress.  We’ll take it.  Kenna is holding her own.  She’s staying strong.  She’s my determined baby girl.

We’re lucky.  We’re blessed.  We have plenty to be happy about.  There are so many people keeping up with her progress, so many people who pray for her, so many people who leave us supportive comments and words of encouragement on Facebook.

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it.  This is what keeps us strong.  Nothing makes a person feel weaker than feeling alone.  The strength comes from having so many people offering love and support, knowing that we’re not alone.  That’s how I keep on…knowing I’m not alone.

I’ll keep sharing.  I can’t help it.  And Kenna, well she’ll keep growing…slow and steady.  And with all that love and support, we’ll all pull through.

Kenna resting peacefully. I need a script of what she's on.

I wear out.  Sometimes.  This being hopeful and happy thing can be truly exhausting.  And I never realize how exhausting until I just can’t maintain it anymore.

That’s how yesterday was.

I was done.  I simply didn’t have anything left.

I’m not getting enough sleep.  I’m not able to pump like I want to.  And eventually life catches up with me.  I get overwhelmed.  All I need is a few minutes to cry…a few minutes to let it all go.  Then I can pull myself together again.  I bounce back really quickly.

And all I need to stay strong is for S to be loving and supportive.  Sometimes, that is too much for him.  Sometimes, he’s not in a place where he can do that.  All S needs is to know that he can take care of us, that there is going to be a job or money coming in.  And he hasn’t had that hope lately.  Worse, what work he has done, he’s having trouble getting paid for.

So no, S had nothing to give me.  And I could ever so acutely feel his displeasure.  That wore on me, too.

The problem isn’t that he was upset or that he took it out on me.  The problem was that I understand.  I understand him.  I understand how he thinks.  We’re trying so very hard to fulfill each other’s needs to help each other stay happy.  It’s never been so much work before.  We have a lot weighing down on us.  If it were just one thing…totally different story.  Lately, it’s everything.

And then I saw a post by a friend on Facebook reminding all of us that just one short month ago it was Christmas Eve.  And I realized how far we’ve come.  No wonder I’m worn out.

I went from being sick and scared on bed rest to emergency c-section in two and a half weeks.  I’ve been recovering from being sick.  And all the while I’ve been stretching myself thin, which is different from actual thin, the last two weeks trying to take care of Kenna and fight for her, trying to get our life back in order, and trying to create some semblance of a new routine.

Yeah.  Sometimes…I’m too hard on myself.  And I don’t allow myself enough rest.  And everything catches up with me.  And then it takes something so little to make it all right.

Last night, S made dinner so I could write.  And he cleaned up from dinner so I could write.  And when I was too tired to write anymore, S snuggled me and took a nap with me on the couch all curled together like puppies in a pile.  And when we woke…everything seemed so much more manageable.

There’s one thing I can’t manage.  There’s something completely out of my control.  And it’s what I care about most…Kenna.

Kenna is making the doctors nervous.  She hasn’t pooped.  And her lungs need work…they are still too stiff and her arteries are still too hard.  She’s come so far, but she still has such a very long way to go.

Please think of her.  It helps all of us stay strong.  And thank you in advance.  All prayers, thoughts, and words of encouragement are so very much appreciated.