Jolene was married, she thought happily.  And seemingly out of the blue, her husband announced that he wanted a divorce.  She was understandably crushed and spent the next year recovering.  After a while, she decided to ease back into the dating pool.  She put her pinky toe in a couple of different online dating sites and thought she’d see what happened.  There were lots of dates.  She called them one date wonders.  (I always think of it more as elimidating.)

There were some that made it past the first date, to a few dates, but always something prevented her from really committing.  Then last fall, she gave it one last try on Match.com.  And that’s when she met M.

That’s only the beginning of the story, of course.  All I know is that I’ve been watching it all unfold.  I’ve seen how being with the right person helps us grow and become the best versions of ourselves.  I’ve loved watching as they gradually worked on building a life together.  It is beautiful and magical and special.

So it only seemed right that when I started an online dating site that I should ask Jolene to be the first person I talked to about online dating success.  I had done a little online dating, but I figured she might offer a less skewed perspective.  She had actually hit one out of the park, while I had merely swung at a few pitches.   Guess that’s why I wanted to hear her advice for tackling these online dating sites, what features she liked, and how she found M.

Her advice was good and sound.  She told me that she liked being able to look at profiles and choose for herself, not simply have matches sent to her.  We all know the importance of free will.  She liked being able to reach out and start conversations.  That is a big part of how she found M.

Jolene explained that when she read M’s profile, it was as if she had written it herself with everything she was looking for in a man.  How perfect is that?  She told me that she set out with a definite idea of what she was looking for in a man, what her deal breakers were.  That’s important.  If you have no idea what you want, how are you going to find it?  And if you have no idea what you don’t want, how can you keep from settling for that?

Another thing that Jolene stressed the importance of was patience and investing the time.  She acknowledged that these online dating sites are pretty large and that you can’t simply expect people to come dropping at your feet.  By investing some time in the process and being patient, it is possible to find the one person you want to share your life with.

I asked Jolene if she simply knew when she met M.

Jolene: It was such a relief.  The connection was just there.

And I know exactly what she means.  There is something to be said for a strong connection.  Don’t be afraid to try online dating.  In this world, meeting someone organically is more rare that meeting someone through a dating profile.  So try new things.

If you’re looking for a site that doesn’t seem to cater to strictly 20 somethings, give this one a try: Not Too Late to Date.  And then tell me all about it.

Let me lead with a disclaimer.  This is not my normal G or even PG post.  Nope.  Today it’s all MA, so read at your own peril.

I never thought I’d be writing this post, but, well, I am.  And I am because…it is something that has been on my mind a lot as of late.  Naturally, for obvious reasons.

See, sometimes when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they give each other a special hug.  Or, in my case, sometimes when and man and a woman are dating and find themselves very attracted to each other, they prepare to do what comes naturally…seeing how Tab A fits into Slot B…all over the house.  And when this man and woman are very mature, they ensure that they are safe.

Yeah.  About that.  So, I think I may have mentioned one or two HUNDRED times that I was married for…practically my entire adult life.  And when we decided that we were ready to hop out of the gene pool for good, we had him snipped.  (Wow, I could almost hear every man reading cup his groin.  Nice!)

In my defense, we had already used the pill.   And I had a diaphragm.  And we had used condoms.  And I had a brief stint with an IUD that freaked me the heck out whenever Rachel would get a little feisty while I was changing her diaper.  So, it’s not like I didn’t put forth my own effort to prevent genetic mishaps.

Then, I dated the last guy.  And optimist that I am, I went for an IUD, the five year plan.  Good thinking, huh?  It also had the added benefit of merely costing a $25 co-pay.  Well, we kept that bad boy in for exactly one year to the day before we had it removed under circumstances that are still too painful to discuss.  Only while the circumstances were painful in a soul sucking hurtful way, the insertion of the IUD the year before was painful in an Oh My Lord, I Think I May Curl Up and Die way.

For some reason, it was so painful that I almost couldn’t drive back to my office after the procedure at 9am to finish my work day.  (Yes, I am that stupid.  I am tough.  I couldn’t imagine I would need to take time off work.  Ha!)  It was as though I was in active labor for hours after.  I was doubled over.  That evening, I still wasn’t walking erect.  And to top it off, it took months before the string would behave instead of acting like a constant bee sting in some positions during our special hugs.  Can you say buzz kill?

I didn’t miss it.  And I was on the pill instead.  Only…after the last relationship, I stopped.  I didn’t want to be dating and just get careless and take OTHER risks.  The kind of risks that could be prevented with a condom…  So, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, I became a safety girl.  I’ve got regular, I’ve got ribbed, I’ve got ultra sensitive, I’ve got Magnums, I’ve got this really funky looking one that no man has even dared to wrap his business in it’s so…avant garde.  Oh, and I have a lovely assortment of sponges.  And…well, that should do it, right?  I mean, there’s a fine line between safety girl and dirty whore.  And having too much of a selection makes me worry that I might just be straddling that line…but don’t worry, mom!  I didn’t give it up the first week.  *smile*

Well, we had a slight mishap with a condom that has me rethinking them as a permanent solution to the pregnancy prevention issue.  Ummm.  I have a rogue condom floating around somewhere.  Yeah.  Opened, but not USED in the most obvious sense.  It was there one minute, gone the next.  Some have suggested that the new guy disposed of it on his own without mentioning it to me.  And I hope and pray that’s what happened because otherwise…what happened the next night when the kids returned could become my reality and the source of years of therapy for everyone involved.

I went to work worry about the rogue.  I came home, started writing on the computer, only to have Rachel soon behind me.

Rachel: Well, would you look at what I found?

My heart caught in my throat.  My pulse sped up to 50 million beats per minute.  My face flushed.  I broke out into a cold sweat.  And as I slowly turned around, I prayed for the smiting to be quick and painless.

It was a sock she found under the bed.  A sock.

There was a hysterical somewhat maniacal edge to my laugh.

Needless to say, that’s not an experience I care to repeat ever again.  The sex, however, I would.  As often as humanly possible.  As often as single parents with busy work schedules and visitation schedules will allow.  Yup.  About once or twice a week.  Damn it.

So, I don’t want to waste our rare and beautiful moments worrying over whether or not we have protection.  My stash is bound to dwindle eventually.  And we both have our doubts about the pill.  I feel silly being on it at 37.  His ex-wife  was among that minority that managed to get pregnant while taking it.  There’s a lot to consider.

We had a conversation last night.  He told me that he thought I was amazing, he loved everything about me, that I’m a great woman.  He can’t imagine anyone not wanting to be with me forever.  And so, he would be a fool to not stick around, get to know me better, see how far it takes us.  (This is not about staying in Charlotte.  He may still be leaving for work…)

Guess it makes perfect sense that I’m actually considering the IUD…again.  Third time’s the charm.  So, we need to have that conversation.  I need to be the last appointment of the day.  And I need a designated driver.  And the doctor better cough up something stronger than Advil.

Wow.  I really must like him.

Cue chorus of concerned friends and family telling me it’s too soon to consider installing another IUD…now.  (You guys are sooo predictable.  Just once I’d like someone to say…stick in that IUD and go get some!)

Quick Karma:

• build each day on a foundation of pleasant thoughts
  

Sam: I like you all strong and confident.  Maybe you’re just submissive in relationships.

Ha.  That wasn’t it.  So I felt compelled to explain.

me: No, but if you want me strong and confident you have to give me something you’ve never given me.  You look at Spring and Jay and think about how they shouldn’t be together, all the challenges to their relationship, all the arguments.  All I know is that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, they have something you’ve never given me.  They love each other and want to be together.

The last time I told him that, he accused me of trying to hurt him.  And I guess that sometimes the truth does hurt.

You may wonder what has me thinking about this now.  How does this suddenly come up a month later?  Well, hold on, I’m getting to it…eventually.  Just know that this has nothing to do with Sam and everything to do with me…which is pretty much as it should be.

My life lately has been one revelation after another.  I have been putting out into the world what I need and I have been blessed time and again receiving it.  I asked for a mere distraction.  I wanted someone to come and keep me so preoccupied that I wouldn’t have a moment to think about Sam, about where I was this time last year, about any of it.  I wanted to stop hurting and start moving on.  And the new guy entered my life.

I wrote rules for dating me and expectations for being with me…and without even having to be trained or told or asked or cajoled or guilted into it or anything…the new guy has surpassed my hopes and dreams and expectations.  No one is more surprised than I am.  No one is more shocked and awed than I am.  No one is more appreciative than I am.  And I think I’d be hard pressed to find someone more blessed.

For the first time EVER I am in a relationship with someone who is not only ambitious, but encourages my ambitions.  We reach out to one another constantly without worrying about whether the attentions are unwelcome.  We connect as often as we can.  He truly understands the importance of little gestures as demonstrated regularly.  I could go on and on about how amazing he is and how perfect things are between us, but I think I heard Kimberly throw up a little in her mouth.  Sorry!

All I know is that I get to write to my heart’s content.  I get to blog guilt free and without limitations.  I get to spend time with friends and the kids.  And I still get him, too.  Finally, I’m in a relationship where I’m calm, relaxed, confident, and happy.  What do I do with that?

Just when I thought I was in danger of life being on an even keel, of having no drama to write about, no controversy, no craziness, he dropped it on me.  And I have to applaud him for his honesty, for preparing me.

NG: If this deal goes through like I think it will, it means that I’ll be hired.

me: So, you’ll be her body guard.

NG: Yeah.

And I thought about it for a little while.  He heard my silence, felt my distance.

NG: Sweetie, whatcha thinking about?

me: *sigh* So you’ll be back on the road again.

NG: Yeah.

It was too soon for me to ask what I really wanted to ask.  I really wanted to know what this means to me, to us.  I really wanted to know if it was time to throw a kevlar vest around my heart.  I wanted to know if I should distance myself, prepare for what I saw as inevitable.  Instead, I chose a different route.

me: Well, I guess we just take it day by day then, enjoy the time we have.

NG: Babe, we’re going to work through this.  Some days will be hard.  Some days will be easier.  Somehow, we’ll pull through.

me: *smile* Well, I’ve always believed that anything worth having was worth working for.

In my mind, all I could think was really?  He’s already telling me that at the end of the day, he wants to be with me.  If that’s the case, we’re only missing one key ingredient.  And surely that will come in time.  After all, to know me is to love me.  One of the first things the new guy ever said to me before he even asked for my phone number…

NG: Hmmm.  I thought you were married.

me: Why did you think that?

NG: You are the marrying kind.

He’s told me time and again that he’s not being selfish, that he’ll find a balance.  (So far, so good.)  He’s told me that he’s always going to encourage me and be supportive of my dreams.  (More on that in future posts…)

The last thing he said to me?

NG: Babe, this is going to be a big prosperous year for both of us.  We’re going to get through together.

Together.  I like the sound of that.  And I read blogs of other long distance relationships and think that when it’s the right guy, somehow it does work.  Thank you, T!  Thank you, Martini Mom!  (Umm, maybe we need to call you Milk Mom for the rest of the pregnancy?)  Thank you, Mama Sunshine!  Because of you, I may believe the impossible is possible.

Quick Karma:

• focus on your connection with someone, not on what separates you
  

Ummm.  I don’t even know where to begin.  So, I guess it started with the snow.  I love sledding.  I love anything that will allow me to be playful.  I like that.  I need that.  I crave that.  It keeps me young.

Last night, after Skyping, I talked the new guy home…after he swung by to see me for about an hour.  It was nice, talking all cuddled up on the couch.  It was nice having someone so interested in my day.  And soon, I could see that he was exhausted.  He left just before 5am with a promise to be  back around 9am to spend time with me before he went to work that day.  Yeah, I had roughly three and a half hours sleep, but I felt great.

Then I woke and tried to get everything done that I possibly could before he came over.  It wasn’t nearly enough for my liking, but he didn’t care.  He understands things that I never expected he would.  He understands things that I don’t.  I may not get why I’m not where I want to be yet, but he still sees me as this amazing individual.  Ahhh.

So, I made breakfast for us.  And we ate at the table.  Yes, you read that right.  I ATE AT A TABLE.  It’s my table.  And while I’ve eaten at it before, I haven’t in the last three months, as long as we’ve lived at the apartment.  He helped set the table.  And he waited for me to get my plate together and come to the table so we could eat together.  He said grace.  And then he looked at me and wondered over why I couldn’t stop smiling.

Really?  Let’s see…without trying, he’s fulfilling all my wants and needs.  Without trying, he’s making me ridiculously happy.  Without trying, he’s found a balance for us.  I still have my life with the kids.  And I have my life with my friends.  And I’m building a life with him.  Yeah.  What do I have to smile about?

Once we’d finished eating, he cleared both of our plates.  I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped.  I couldn’t even move.  And I asked if he was always like this.  Only, I know the answer.  He is.  His momma raised him right.  And I seem to be reaping the rewards.

We joked some before he left.

me: I’m hoping I haven’t peaked too soon.

NG: Nah.  This is just the beginning of your good day.

Only for some reason, I had a sense of foreboding.  And my senses rarely fail me.  I couldn’t focus on any projects.  I couldn’t read or write or blog.  I couldn’t even muster up the interest to research anything from my conversation with Rain the night before.  Grrr.

It didn’t take long.  At 1pm, HE called.  And, with a sigh I answered.  I think I was testing myself.  I kept swearing that with the new guy in my life, I was strong and could handle HIM.  Well, the long and the short of it was that he had mail for me, tax documents.  And if I need anything…it’s a tax refund.  So, I thought I was being smart, agreeing to meet him in public rather than let him drop off the mail at my apartment.  (Who needs bad juju around the place when it was filled with love and happiness?)  I thought I had this all figured out.  Group lunch at Carmella’s.  Group sledding around back.  Depart from the group and return to my life.

It was a good plan.  And I was in a great mood.  I scraped my car…which I had hoped was an experience from my past never to be repeated.  Soon, I was there, with Ed and Bailey.  We were talking and joking.  It was good.  HE arrived.  And soon after that, the new guy called.  I had sent him a text telling him that I was going sledding.  He was calling to try and convince me to be careful.  He didn’t want anything to happen to me.  All together now…awwww!

We ate.  And HE was seated next to me.  And then the jukebox started playing…EVERY song from our past, EVERY song we had ever attached meaning to.  At one point I literally looked about the crowded bar and asked loudly..

me: WHO PICKED THESE SONGS?!

One meek looking man from the next table over admitted he had.  And I didn’t even know what to say.  I shook my head.  And then I shook my fist at him.

Finally, we commenced sledding.  It was good.  HE was really playful, wanting to race me and push me and just really interact with me.  And I was okay…for the most part.  Only…I wasn’t because I could feel him reaching out the way he always did.  And I knew I wasn’t going to fall for that again.  EVER.  Somehow, by the time it was over, when we’d all had enough of the cold and wet and danger, I had that yucky feeling.

Ed and Bailey left because she was so cold and wet.  And that left me to get the mail from HIM.  He handed over the mail soon enough, but then the questioning began.

HIM: What’s with all the lab stuff?  Are you okay?

me: I’m fine.

HIM: Well, you don’t have this many tests over nothing.

me: I’m FINE.

HIM: Then don’t tell me.

me: *sigh* It isn’t me.  It’s from Rachel.

And I changed the subject.

me: How nice.  You still care.

HIM: Of course I do.  Why would you think I didn’t?

me: Well, you didn’t call.  And maybe it is best that you didn’t.

HIM: Well, you recover quick enough.

And I pretty much figured that Ed had told him I was seeing someone since soon his entire attitude changed like it had been weighing on his mind.

HIM: So why don’t you just go meet up with your boy.  I’ll talk to you later.

Only I know we won’t talk.  I know we have nothing left to say.  And that’s the way it has to be, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a little sad that I’ve lost someone who meant so much to me and we’ll never be where we were again.

Once I reached the car, I saw missed calls from the new guy.  Ahhh.  And I called him back, but I wasn’t myself no matter how much I tried to hide it.  He questioned what was wrong.  And I told him…almost everything.  I told him the most important parts.  His reaction?

NG: I’m taking my break at 3:30pm.  Why don’t you take your time getting over here and we’ll hang out together?  Remember, don’t rush on these roads.

Naturally, I went.  And he worked his magic.  He played with me.  He teased me.  He cajoled me into sharing some of his meal.  He walked me back to my car.  He called on his ride home from work.  And I can’t get over his devotion.  I can’t.  I can’t get over the way he cares for me.  I can’t believe that I may have someone I don’t have to hide anything from, but can instead run to for the love and support I seek.

So, I’d like to get all sappy and dedicate a song to the new guy.  It’s the song that started playing in my head as I drove home from seeing him.

May everyone have someone in their life that they can run to…

Quick Karma:

• see someone through the good, the bad, and the ugly

Well, ummm, I was wrong.

Yeah.  I spent my shower all sad and focused on how it was closing in on that time of year where everything was going to make me think of HIM.  The Superbowl is closing in and we spent that together last year.  And the night before the Superbowl was the night we reconnected and played skeeball and he popped the question.  No, not that question…

And after the Superbowl, he spent the night…noteworthy because he only did it twice in nearly two years.  Very similar circumstances.  Very similar outcomes.

So, then I’d be thinking about how we spent the next week planning a spur of the moment cruise and the week after that being on the spur of the moment cruise.  I’d be devastated on V-day, quite possibly henceforth to be known as Singles Awareness Day, to recall that we’d spent that day last year driving through The Keys and that it was our last night in Miami.  The week after we returned, I was cautiously optimistic that we’d make it, only to have him mess it up…again.

Yet, that still would catapult us into a hundred more memories.  This was what brought us to the point where we ended up living together.  And when I think of all the bad stuff that happened, you would think that would be enough to help me keep a healthy distance.  Yet, it isn’t.  I love him still…I love him anyway.  I love him despite the hurt, the humiliation, the blows to my pride, the devastation to my kids.

I had pretty much decided that I might just look for a distraction.  All I needed was a shiny new distraction.  And I wasn’t going to be picky.

What I didn’t tell you was that there was a guy on the fringe.  We had exchanged smiles.  And then we said hello.  Last week it was names.  And now…numbers.  Only, we seem to be picking up the pace because…he’s already called and texted.  And he prefers calling.

But wait!  There’s more!

I like that he hates texting, but makes an exception for me so that we can stay in touch.  I like that I have been completely upfront with him about who I am and my expectations and he LIKES it.  I like that he talked about how important it is to stay consistent and that he hates when people say, “oh, you used to do this.”  So he’s paying close attention to what is going on between us now…because whatever he does, he wants to be consistent and maintain.

Wow.  That alone nearly bowled me over.  You mean there are guys who will text and call and stay in touch and try to make plans in advance and follow through and EVERYTHING.  OMG.  Seriously.  I never even had to refer him to the rules for dating me.  Crikey!

He tells me that he was drawn to me because of my smile.  Huh.  I smile at work?  And he told me he thought I was beautiful.  And he has only seen me in scrubs.  I clean up very nicely.  Yay!  Then he said something even better.  He said that once he started talking to me, he discovered I had a great personality.  Wee hooo!

But wait!  There’s more!

When I tried to demonstrate that I was all understanding of the fact that he needed to take a nap in between jobs, and that if we couldn’t get together I understood, he was a little bothered.  He told me that it had to be about what we both wanted and if I wanted to see him, we would get together.   So, I’m baffled.  How did it take me so long to discover someone like this?

I’m learning more very day.  And what I’m learning is that he is straight-forward and honest, which means he is also trustworthy.  He’s divorced, so we have that in common.  And he has kids, so we have that in common.  And I’m looking forward to finding out what else we have in common.

Luckily, the date helped.  We planned to meet at Starbucks.  Cliche, I know, but it was the best I could come up with.  Yeah, look at me all lacking in creativity.  I blame it on the time of day and the fact that I couldn’t combine the date with food and anything else that will make me look less lame.

Just as I was getting ready to leave.  He called.  And I wasn’t worried that he was canceling, I had him pegged for simply running late at the office, which he was.  No worries.  He asked me to give him a few minutes and he’d call to let me know he was leaving.  Let’s add considerate to the growing list of his qualities.

And then he met me at Starbucks.  I liked the way he honed in on me immediately, that he offered to get me another hot chocolate.  I like that he looked at me and wasn’t distracted by anyone else.  I liked that the compliments kept coming…good ones, too.  I liked how comfortable I felt and how right it seemed to be with him.  And while I kept this running tally in my mind of everything that I liked…I liked even more that it was about him and not me comparing him to HIM.

The new guy stands on his own merits.

When at last it was time for us to leave, he walked me to the car, opened the door for me, tucked me in.  Seriously.  Oh, but that was after a few lingering hugs.  Yeah.  I like lingering hugs…the kind that last and you don’t quite pull away from and you maintain contact.  Uh huh.  Then, when I drove away, he called and talked while we were driving.  He hated that the date had to be so short.  He wanted more time with me.

So there was more calling and texting.  And he went off to work.  He told me he’d call when he left work, but wasn’t sure what time that would be.  And I told him I’d text him goodnight and I wasn’t sure if I’d answer.  Only…I did answer.  And when I did, he told me he wanted another hug before bed.  I met him outside in a bathrobe.  And we hugged for several minutes.  Then I talked him home so I knew he’d make it there safely.

He’s already said some beautiful things to me.  He told me I’m safe with him.  And I know he means in every respect.  Ahhh.  And he told me that he’s surprised, but for some reason, hugging me just feels right.  And I understand.

We’re taking our time and going slowly…sort of.  He wants to see me again today.  And who am I to deny him?  *smile*

What a pretty horizon.  What a beautiful new day.  Here’s to hope in all its glorious hues.  Here’s to lingering hugs and handsome new guys.  Here’s to happiness in spades.

Wishing you the same…

Quick Karma:

• see the forest and the trees