Suddenly Single Journey

Finding my Match

Monday, June 29th, 2009

One day at work I had lunch with the thoroughbreds.  While Donna was happily ensconced in a relationship with the man of her dreams (Thom, you are one lucky man.), Tina was playing the field, juggling men like clowns do plates and with far more success.  She was complaining about having dates just shy of every night that week.  Finally, I just came right out and asked her.

Where do you find all these men?

Her response: Match.com.

I have to admit, I was intrigued.  Now ask Michael, the consultant I work with, and he’ll tell you that I’m no thoroughbred.  I’m built for comfort.  Luckily, many men like comfort.  Even more luckily, I don’t need hoards of men, I just need one, the right one, the one.

So, that evening, after I did the mom thing and cooked and cleaned, and did the other mom thing–kick Rachel off the computer–I went on Match.com.  Oh, the pressure.  So many elegible bachelors, so little time.  I struggled to create a profile.  I’m convinced that what I’ve got doesn’t translate well online.  Could be because I’m not what you’d call ‘photogenic.’  Nope.  Not even a little.  My daughter is completely baffled.  (And she was completely annoyed.  Who do you think had to spend hours taking ‘candids’ of me posing?  Yet still we’re on good speaking terms.)

Finally, the profile complete, the photos loaded, I awaited my approval and passed the time surfing.  I had a list of favorites to compile.  It was fun, like shopping, only for men.  Same problems with fit though.  I was forgiving.  I was determined.  And before long, I was being contacted.

Like Craigslist, my heart wasn’t into it.  I spent too much time picking at flaws, they all had the same one: not S.  And when I moved in, I deleted my profile and canceled my membership.

Of the various online dating services, this is the one I’d go with, if things went south and I had to throw myself back into the dating pool.  I studied various models and found this one to be easiest to use, and most effective.  I liked getting my Daily Five, a specially compiled list of guys I had something in common with.  (Sometimes it was obscure like, ‘He likes to watch football just like you!’  They might as well have said, ‘He’s a mammal, just like you!’)  And there were daily emails of guys that matched what I was looking for, and guys that were looking for someone like me.  (That was always reassuring.)

In the online dating world, Match.com rules.

Tags: online dating
Posted in A Single Girl's Guide | 2 Comments »

Online Dating: Craigslist, Take One

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

I never thought I’d do it.  Really.  I can be pretty daring, but posting on Craigslist in an effort to not die alone reeked of desperacy, even for me.  At the same time, I had friends who assured me that it was all harmless fun.  Try it! Now, in all honesty, I’m not certain any of said friends actually went out in public with the guys that they met online.  That may be where I went a step too far.  You decide.

As with everything else in my life, I began by doing an inordinate amount of research before even sticking my toe in that dating pool.  I read through a lot of ads.  I wanted to see what people were saying, and wondering whether it would be a hopeless endeavor.  (I was still hung up on S and thought this might just be the distraction I needed to help me move on. )

So on S’s birthday, and shortly before leaving town to be with Jennie for the weekend, I posted this:

Suddenly Single, Ready to Date

This may sound strange, but I find myself in unfamiliar territory.  I have never dated, not in the conventional sense.  I went from high school boyfriends, to living in the college dorm dating the guy down the hall, to living with a friend I ended up marrying.  (Yup, I was married for fifteen years.) Now I’m single.  And I’m intrigued with the idea of meeting someone and dating.

Obviously, I’m comfortable with ltrs, but I want to start from the beginning, not skip any steps.  Let’s get to know each other, a few emails, a few phone calls, and take it from there.

I like the idea of getting to know each other over time, but here’s what you should know to determine whether you want to get to know me at all:

I have two kids, one of each, the girl is a freshman, the boy a fifth grader.  I own a home and am gainfully employed.  If there’s a man in my life, it’s going to be due to mutual desire and not need.  I’m educated, intelligent, and some would say witty, or maybe that’s a polite term for sarcastic?  I like to laugh A LOT.  For fun, I read, travel, and spend quality time with those I care about.  I cook and keep the place clean enough to be healthy.  I like being outdoors, but wouldn’t necessarily call myself outdoorsy.  I’m a nurturer.  I like taking care of people and recognize that sometimes placing someone else’s needs before my own is a strength, not a weakness.

That I’m not including a picture doesn’t mean I’m a troll, but that I’m not on my home computer.  Actually, I’ve been told I’m very attractive, but I think when you’re only five feet tall, the best you can hope for is ‘cute.’  My figure would best be described as hour glass.  And I think my best feature is my smile.

Think we have anything in common?

Well, I stopped counting at the number of men that thought we might have something in common.  And while many have complained about the quality of the responses they receive on Craigslist, I find that there’s a direct correlation between what you write and who responds.  I was inundated with emails from doctors, lawyers, businessmen, pharmacists, and professionals of all fields.  It was amazing.  It was fun.  It was an ego boost.  It was no good because all I wanted was S.

Still, like the trooper I was, I sorted through them, with Jennie’s expert help, and came up with a few candidates.  I found that if you have too many guys interested in one time, there isn’t enough time to give them the attention they desire, and some are simply going to fall off the grid.  No big deal.  This is online dating.  It’s a Darwinian experiment.  There’s always more fish in the sea, and all that rubbish.

So, since I tend to be a one man woman, I decided to try to focus on the one who wrote the longest most interesting emails.  Jeremiah.  After we exchanged a few, he was impatient, so we moved on to chatting.  He was clever.  He was devoted.  So we moved on to texting, which we did non-stop for two days.  And then it was on to phone calls.  (That all took place over the course of a matter of days, by the way.)

Somehow, it was during the phone conversations that I was convinced this would never work.  Where shall I begin?  First, he tried to impress me with the fact that he owned a beach house.  I love the beach.  All I wanted to know was whether or not there was any good sea debris.  He then announced that he wouldn’t know since he never went out on the beach.  (My first indication that he was a neat freak.  The second indication came a moment later.)  Then we started talking laundry.  He was in a store and couldn’t find fabric softener.  (I didn’t know anyone still used the stuff.)  He was apalled when I suggested he use laundry sheets with fabric softener in them.  This lead to a lengthy discourse on his methodology on laundry and my brief announcement that I would NEVER be doing his laundry.  If that wasn’t enough, I discovered that he had a two twleve pack a day habit of Diet Sun Drop.  I’m from the north, we don’t even have sun drop.  And if wehad, I still wouldn’t have drank it.  Give me high fructose corn syrup and carmel coloring any day.  I’m a cola girl.  And never a diet cola girl.

The final straw came the next day, however, when he was cranky because he hadn’t had time to iron his undershirt and it prevented him from tucking in his button down shirt properly.  Holy anal retention, Batman!  Who potty trained this guy with an AK-47?  Somehow, by then, though greatly disturbed, I was not overly surprised when he announced he collected German WWII memorabilia.  Who does that?  (And I’m referring to the German part, collecting pieces of history is something everyone does in one way shape or form.)

Yeah.  So, I told him that I wasn’t going to meet him for coffee, tea, or any other beverage of my choosing, and that I didn’t think we had much in common.  And when he asked why, I simply explained that he came off as being very high maintenance.

Though the taste for dating had already soured in my mouth, I pushed on and went out on an actual date.  This time, I decided not to spend much time getting to know him online, a few emails, one awkward phone call while we planned our meeting, then see if there was any chemistry.

There wasn’t.  My feelings had already cooled before I entered the restaurant, and not just because I had been standing outside in the rain while waiting for his late butt to arrive.  Grrr.  No, talking to him over dinner was like pulling teeth and far less satisfying.  Then we went to the theater for a movie.  (I don’t recommend this on a first date, by the way, not enough time to talk.  Although in our case, the movie helped with the uncomfortable silences.)  We saw what times were available and picked the next thing showing.

The movie might have been called Yes Man!, but I spent my night saying ‘no, sir!’  My date decided to get all handsy and couldn’t take a hint.  I was literally impaled on my armrest I was struggling so to stay away from him, yet he couldn’t take the hint, not even when I pushed his sweaty little palm off my knee.  Yuck!  He walked me toward my car.  Once we were near enough, I simply gave him the ‘thanks, nice meeting you’ bit and ran, yes, ran away.

At this point, I decided that I needed more me time to get over S.  And I put myself on a dating hiatus.

Anyone have a similar experience to share?

Tags: craigslist, dating, online
Posted in A Single Girl's Guide | No Comments »

Craigslist

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

With Craigslist gaining popularity and media attention these days, I had to weigh in.  See, I have a love/hate relationship with that fickle fiend.  It is one site where I have been reasonably successful, and also very nearly scammed.  With that in mind, let me share some personal experiences and some tips for safe usage.

Over the past year, I have become something of a Craigslist savant.  I can whip together a posting in about thirty seconds flat, depending on the cursed little confirmation code that I have to decipher.  I have used it to try and find a roommate, rent a house, sell a piano, sell some dishware, advertise a yard sale, get rid of a hot tub, and even date.  (Yes, I like to live dangerously.)  The dating bit is going to be an entirely separate post.

I had absolutely no success finding a roommate.  Tons of people responded, many of them con artists from over seas eagerly awaiting my response with my bank information (right…) and certain that we would be the best of friends.  (I passed.)  And then there was a single mom with four children who thought living with me and my two kids in a three bedroom house was going to be just perfect. (I almost bit on that one.  Luckily, the bubble held an intervention and knocked me back to my senses.)  And then there was the guy who wanted to be my roommate, share my car, and even carpool my kids.  No red flags there, right?  And when I turned him down, he decided he wanted to date me and stalked me periodically for the next few months.  That was fun.

Selling the household goods was relatively simple.  And between the fact that the posting is free and ridiculously easy to complete, I highly recommend Craigslist.  My most successful posting, other than the dating ones, was for the defunct hot tub.  (Yeah, I posted not once but twice.)

Here was my dilemma.  After I gave up on finding a roommate, which was an endeavor as fraught with peril as dating and not nearly as fun, I decided I’d have to rent out the entire house in order to avoid foreclosure.  So, in an effort to clean up the place and prepare to vacate the premises, the hot tub had to go.  And I think the ad says it all:

Free hot tub/lawn ornament.

My ex bought a broken down hot tub a year and a half ago for the low low price of $500.  It NEVER worked.  Since then it has remained a lawn ornament, something of a Zen piece as it has become one with the yard.

Perfect for those with some mechanical ability, since it can be repaired.  Comes with chemicals, steps, and a cover.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Trying to rent the house.  Need to lose the eyesore.

Please call to come haul it away.  All I want is my unobstructed view back.

See.  Simple, clever, and effective.  Within ten minutes of posting, I had seven calls.  And by the next evening, in a thunder and lightening storm unlike any other, I had that bad boy loaded on a trailer being taken to parts unknown.  And the big brown dirt spot is now covered with something akin to grass.  (Akin to grass, since I have yet to grow actual grass.  See Spring Lawn Care post.)

So, when posting…

• Don’t give out too much information.  I never include actual street addresses or pictures that could help someone find me, whether I’m renting the house or trying to date.  And whatever you do: NEVER EVER EVER give out banking information.  NEVER.
• Be wary.  I tend to be naive, so it was a real disappointment to have my friends assure me that there was no Tatiana from Poland who needed to stay with me for six months while here on a work visa and would pay for all living expenses for the six months up front…  Come on, it could happen!
• Go with your gut.  If it feels wrong, you’re probably right.  A man in New Mexico, or so he said, wanted to buy my piano.  He just needed my account information to make a direct deposit, then his movers would pick up and deliver the piano.  I needed the money.  Man, did I want the money.  He didn’t haggle… Still, I called my bank and asked if there was anyway that could go horribly wrong.  Put simply ‘yes.’  A few days later, a woman was on the news having been scammed on Craigslist while she tried to sell her wedding dress.  The scammer ‘accidentally’ sent her a cashier’s check for too much.  She sent him the difference.  The check was a forgery.  And she was out $1500.

Craigslist also has a nice warning list on the site.  Take time to read it.  The advice is sound.

And if there are other tips I should have shared about Craigslist, please let me know!

Tags: craigslist, guide, how to, scam
Posted in A Single Girl's Guide | No Comments »

Spring Lawn Care

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

I watched in fascination and awe, after my husband and I split up, as the men of The Bubble maintained their lawns.  It seems that my upbringing in the north where all I did from the age of twelve until I headed off to college was mow the lawn had left me ill-prepared for the chemical treating frenzy that I would be confronted with later in life.  At most, there would be the fall burn that would inevitably get out of control due to an unexpected wind and my mother would dread leaving my father unattended for fear the entire volunteer fire department would be at the house to greet her upon her return.  (Sadly, it wasn’t an unfounded fear.)

So, I can’t say whether it is a southern ’thing’ or something I never paid attention to until I became a homeowner, but there is a healthy competition among the men for the best lawn.  We do have two lawn guys in the neighborhood, which may contribute to the peer pressure.

My house sits on the corner, the former model home of the community, the hallmark of The Bubble, and I’m feeling the pressure to fall in line and tame the mess that’s supposed to be a lawn.  (I seem to maintain an ever changing mass of weeds broken up by the occasional blade of crab grass.)  I’ll admit that I do rather envy the thick green carpet that covers Ed’s yard.  And since I can’t yet afford to hire someone more quailitified and infinitely more motivated, the burden falls on me as man of the house to create a lawn others will pine after, that the kids and I can play in, lay in, and enjoy…as long as Snickers stops leaving piles that is.

Ed took pity on me, after he stopped laughing when I met him at the bus stop with a legal pad full of questions and a pen at 7:30am while we waited to send the kids to school.  Finally, he offered one of his flyers that explained his services.  It was intimidating to say the least.  So, I’m breaking it down to a seasonal approach that I can handle.

End of Winter/Early Spring

• Pre-Emergent. This should be spread over the entire lawn to prevent crab grass from growing.  (Apparently I gave Ed a blank look at this point.  So, he explained in girl terms.  Crab grass is that spiky grass that even after you mow the lawn, a few stragglers stick up all over like cowlicks causing immense frustration and preventing the nice clean cut look I’m trying to achieve.  Ah ha!)  It can be found at Home Depot for $42/bag.  One bag covers about 10,000 square feet.  It also helps prevent dandelions.
• Fertilizer. This one is self explanatory.  Take care to fertilize the bushes, too!
• Ant treatment. This is highly important for anyone who wants to use their yard or has pets.  (Take it from the woman who was nearly eaten alive by fire ants during a friendly game of horse shoes in S’s yard last summer.)  Ed swears by Ortho Max.  It comes in a big red bag and claims to kill ants, fleas, ticks, cut worms, and numerous other menaces.  He pours it into the spreader that he walks behind which distributes it evenly.  He also advises that if you have mounds, leave some in the bottom to scoop out for a thick application on them.

I’ll be publishing the next lawn care installment as the seasons change.  Look for Late Spring/ Early Summer at the beginning of May.  I’ll also update you on the status of my yard.  I don’t see me winning the lawn care ribbon this year, but at least I’ve thrown my lawn into the race.

Wish me well!

And if you live in Charlotte, NC or its surrounding areas and want to hire Ed, let me know!

Tags: guide, how to, lawn care
Posted in A Single Girl's Guide | No Comments »