Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Nothing is ever how we imagined it to be…

Tuesday, February 28th, 2012

It’s always better.  And worse.

We knew, for example, that we were going to be parents this year.  We had no idea how early in the year we’d be parents, especially since we weren’t due until the end of April.  So, to have a baby on January 9th was a bit of a surprise.

Kenna has been a blessing.  At the same time, our chief complaint is that we don’t feel like parents yet.  How could we?

On the one hand, we are preparing for a baby.  We have what we need to take care of her.  (Thank you, family!)  S and I were talking earlier today about what a lucky little girl she is to have so many people who love her and care about her.

We have been at this for nearly two months.  It has gone quickly and it has dragged on.  There are times that she has made stunning progress.  There are times that we feel as though we are treading water.  Like now.

And in these thoughts, we are not alone.

We see other babies leaving the NICU all the time.  It bothers S more than me, I think.  He struggles with how long this is going to continue.  It’s one thing to know that it will take months for Kenna to be able to come home.  It’s completely another to live it.  It’s one thing to know that Kenna has a ways to go in the breathing and weight gain department.  It’s another to wait for it all to happen.

So, I set little goals.  I tell myself that I want her to weigh two pounds by the time she’s two months old.  I tell myself that I want her home around the time that she was supposed to be born.  Oh, but in my mind, I want it to be sooner.

I can be patient, but sometimes I’m not.  Right now…I’m both.

At the same time, good things are happening.  I see S getting more involved at the hospital as he gains more confidence.  The last two times, he has helped change the diaper.  This last time, he was so involved that he all but did it himself.  And I was so thrilled for him, so proud of him.

We’re plugging along.  We’re eager to be in the game.  We’re tired of sitting on the sidelines…hence S changing a diaper despite all the obstacles and past predictions that he’d never change a stinky diaper.

If he is so determined to be involved that he changes a diaper through portholes, around wires, on a baby that’s just over a pound and a half, you know he’s feeling like he’s missing out on the experience.  As much as it drives him crazy that I have to be there every day, he gets it, too.  He knows that I don’t want to miss a minute.  That’s how I thrive.  And with our love and attention…that’s how Kenna will.

So, we imagine life differently these days.  We imagine how wonderful it will be when she’s home with us.  We imagine her being with us when we walk in her honor for the March of Dimes.  Thank you for donating.  We had $80 in donations yesterday.  We’re still $920 from our goal, but I know we’ll make it.  I have faith.

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We’re Marching in April…

Monday, February 27th, 2012

Kenna's wearing her running booties!

Today, Kenna is seven weeks old.  And it flew by.  Seriously.  I can’t believe it.  We’ve been at this for nearly two months now.  And she still shouldn’t be here.

Only…because she is…and because she’s in the hospital getting amazing medical care and has the best babysitters ever…we can do things we wouldn’t have been able to do before.

For example…

I would be fat…ter.  And when she finally arrived, I’d be worn out and need time to heal and lose weight.  Only, I get to build these good habits now instead of waiting for after she was home from the hospital.  So, I’m back at my exercise routine.  And I have to have one.

See…I’m kind of in training.

That’s right.  April 28th, we are walking in the March of Dimes walk.

Here’s how it all started.

I was told by my OB/GYN’s office that they were preparing for the March of Dimes walk.  AND…they were doing it in honor of Kenna.  And so…I thought I should do it, too.  I mean, if they are honoring my daughter, I need to be there and support that.  And I suppose I also secretly hope that Kenna might be out of the hospital by then and join us.  I need the exercise.  And I love helping out with a good cause.

Then, the very next day, a woman called.  She spoke really fast and I was processing really slow, but eventually I gathered that she knew S, was a niece of Vicki, my mother-in-law; and worked with the March of Dimes.  She was well aware of Kenna’s miraculous life and wanted to bring her a Beanie Baby that they had given out for the preemies.  Could she meet us at the hospital, see Kenna, and give her the gift?

Well, I am all about the March of Dimes since they are all about preemies and I’ve had two now.  And I love showing off my teeny tiny miracle.  And I love meeting family.  So, we met on Saturday and Megan brought me envelopes to get started with gathering donations.

So, this is the part where I thought I’d put my Klout to good use.  And maybe you wouldn’t mind helping out with a good cause.

I will be walking my fat butt for 5 kilometers, which is 3.5 miles.  If you are in the Charlotte area, feel free to watch this feat.  If you aren’t, there will probably be pictures.  And no matter where you are, if you’d like to contribute, here’s how:

I have a donation page.  And I have set a lofty goal: $1000.  The reason I felt comfortable with this goal was because I have a really amazing readership and loads of friends who have been asking…how can I help? This is how.  Help Kenna by helping everyone else.

See, I did the math on this.  If only a super small percentage of my readers donated $1, I’d easily make my goal.  Believe it or not, that many people a month like reading about my little life.  Here are some other fascinating breakdowns…

$1000 is the same as…

50 people donating $20

or

100 people donating $10

or

200 people donating $5

So, I think this is completely manageable.  Payments are made online directly to the March of Dimes.  (Thank goodness.  Because I don’t want to have to manage that kind of money.)

Please do what you can.  1000 people who cared enough to donate $1 would make me ecstatic.  I’m trying to make Kenna proud.

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Preparing for Kenna and instant loans…

Friday, February 24th, 2012

Kenna's crib and bassinet. Nice, huh?

I know there are some people who go absolutely crazy while preparing for the arrival of their newborn.  And yet, I never really have.  Could be money.  Or it could just be that I am super practical…because I am.

All I know is that I have watched some people take out instant loans because they think they need EVERYTHING.

Newsflash!

You don’t.  I promise.  The baby will never care that he or she didn’t have designer everything or brand spanking new everything or had hand-me-downs.

Seriously.

And that’s why we have been so practical as we prepared for Kenna.  I feel pretty much ready now.  As in…if the doctors said she could come home with me tomorrow, I wouldn’t have to rush out and go shopping.  I have a little of everything I really need.

And so far we’ve spent less than $100.  So, I’m guessing you are wondering how I accomplished this magical feat.  And I’m sure that you are wondering if it’s just because I had a super awesome baby shower you weren’t invited to.  Afraid not.  We had to postpone the baby shower on account of I had already had the baby.  So, we decided to wait until friends and family could gather together for a baby warming instead.

Ah, but I digress.  This is how the whole thing worked out…

• The crib was gifted to us second…maybe third hand if you count that my computer guru has two girls.  It’s beautiful and perfect.  And we’re so grateful.
• The bassinet was purchased second hand off of Craigslist.  A grandmother had it for her grandbaby that she watched here and there.  So, it is very gently used.  It is neutral and musical and lights up and vibrates.  It came with three sets of sheets.  And I only paid $40 for it.  A steal!
• The changing table was found by S’s father.  He picked it up for us and it is the same color as the crib.  Sheer dumb luck or the stars aligning.  Either way, thank you, Dad!
• The Snuggli was bought by Rachel, back when she still liked me.  It is gray and green, perfect for a little Irish baby.
• There are clothes in Kenna’s closet. We bought some and Dad and Vicki gave Kenna some for Christmas.
• There are blankets. We were given a Target gift card for creating our gift registry, so we picked up a blanket and crib sheet in a pattern I loved that was on closeout.  The gift card was for $20 and I spent $19.22.  How cool is that?
• There are bathing supplies and diapering supplies.  Dana, my neighbor and fellow mom blogger, gave me some of her excess baby care items.  So very much appreciated.  And Dad and Vicki gave us a package of diapers and wipes.  We’re off to a great start.
• Her piggy bank has a jump start. Grandma Andrews sent her a Valentine’s Day card with $5 in it.  So sweet.
• A car seat and stroller are en route. My sister and her family very generously offered to buy the car seat and stroller from the registry.  They totally spoiled us.

The only item I still need to get is her bouncy seat.  Not only are they convenient, but they are also practical.  Kenna has had a lot of tubing down her throat.  It will take a while for her epiglottis to snap shut.  And so she will need to remain upright for long periods of time after nursing.  And guess what?  Coupons came in the mail for a bunch of Fisher Price items and that was one of them.

We’re having a baby on a budget.  No going into debt here…thanks to generous family and friends, and a heap of good luck.

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Happiness is discovering that sometimes a scare is just a scare…

Thursday, February 23rd, 2012

Life's been a lot like this...

It has been a wild and crazy ride the last few weeks.  And I’m ready for a really good sleep.  I’m thinking I better do that now, soon, because once Kenna comes home, sleep will be a thing of the past…for a few years.

So, here we are.  Breathing easier again.  Well, I am.  Kenna’s still on the ventilator.

Life is good.  And crazy.  And I’m good with crazy.

See, we’ve had our share of scares the last few weeks…starting with and certainly not limited to Kenna’s early arrival.  And then from there, the focus was on her survival, on her having a chance at a ‘normal’ life.  (Sorry, kid, with us as parents…just keep in mind that normal is relative and highly subjective and…we love you!  Love fixes everything around here…)

We’ve had scares that Kenna had an infection…twice now…maybe three times.  I don’t want to keep track.  Her PDA has been causing more than one scare.  And there was her plummeting weight and the concern over meds she didn’t respond to and a possibility that some meds she would respond negatively to.  Her bad bilirubin had been bad.  Her good bilirubin had been good.  And she wasn’t pooping.  All in all, it’s been a wild and bumpy ride.

We’ve had so many people thinking about us and praying for us and worrying over us.  It has been really moving.  We’re good.  We’ve held it together, Kenna most of all.  We’ve asked that you think of us in tough times.  We’ve asked that you pray for the PDA, the lungs, and…let’s not forget…poop.

There are things that you may have prayed about that we never even asked for.  Those are the sweetest prayers ever, since they truly come from the heart.  And so, because I have left you hanging in some areas, let me tell you where we stand.

We discovered this week that sometimes as scare is just a scare.

Kenna doesn’t have pneumonia.  And I don’t have cancer.  Better still, her PDA may be closing…on its own.

I see a pattern with this baby already.  Like my sister’s friend Sherry has said, ‘It’s Kenna’s way or no way.’  She is so determined.  She’s my little firecracker…which is going to be even more appropriate as her hair color becomes more defined.

It’s just so nice right now…not fearing anything.  Her doctor confirmed that she really is just working on getting bigger and breathing.  Sounds simple enough.

Right.

All I know is that we were told to expect her to be ready to leave the hospital around the time she should have been born.  That means Kenna has a good ten weeks to do that.  I have faith in her.  She can do it.  With a little help from everyone who cares…

Thank you.  Feel free to join us in Keeping Up With Kenna.

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Happiness is seeing signs…

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

And this one came at me like this big fast slap in the face.

This sign was all…stop!  Think about what you’re doing.

I know what I’m doing…now.

I have been working on writing all these articles and I really haven’t enjoyed them.  I have been writing these reviews for companies on Fiverr and I really haven’t enjoyed it.  At the same time, I don’t expect to like every aspect of my life.  I don’t expect to enjoy every minute of my work.  Only…maybe I should.

Because…I really should.

So, I’m going to quit.  I have to quit.  Fiverr is counterproductive to my future.

Seriously.

I waste so much time trying to put out content that takes up and wastes more time than the money it earns me.  And there are better opportunities out there for me to make money.  So, I’m going to make the most of those.

Starting…now.

See, my computer has been on the fritz.  I’m blaming a virus that hijacked me from Facebook.  Don’t tell S.  He hates my quality time with Facebook.  And I don’t blame him.  He is needy…which is the same as saying…he is male.

All I know is that I was writing away and my computer froze and when I turned it back on, the black screen of death was replaced by the gray plague.  And following the plague…a warning that I needed to hit the repair key. So, I did.  Only it repaired to an earlier date, an uglier date, a date I didn’t have Microsoft Office on my computer.  Now I don’t again.

And it wouldn’t be so bad if my computer guy would call me, but we are having trouble meeting up these days.  And so, here I am, unable to write.  I can still blog, since that’s all online.  And I can still write for Yahoo!, even though I have recently been a bit lax on that.  I’m thinking that I’m just supposed to take a break from Fiverr and that writing.  I think I’m supposed to focus on work and finishing my novels, since that’s what I was supposed to quit my job to do.  And I have way more to finish.

So, thank you virus and system restore.  You made what could have been a very challenging decision…simple.  No more $4 payouts for an hour of work.  I made more than that 12 years ago at Burger King.  And I sure deserve more than that now.

And I thought I would feel guilt, but instead, I feel happy and relaxed.  That’s how I know I’m making the right choice.  I’m good.  I’m better than I have been.  And I won’t be stressed about not making deadlines anymore.  Whew.  It takes so little sometimes for me to find my happy.

This will give me time to focus on what matters…Kenna, Keenan, S, our business, and my novels.  One door closes.  Another door opens.  Life goes on.

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Our own…Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

Monday, February 20th, 2012

Recently I was gifted with another novel thanks to the From Left to Write Online Book Club.  This novel, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, by Barbara Kingsolver.  It details a year in the life of her family as they learn to live off the land.  And I have to admit…I was a bit jealous.

I grew up with a garden.  We always had one.  My grandfather did most of the tending.  And then he passed away.  Ah, but my desire for a garden lived on.

At one point, I lived in my almost dream place.  It was a converted barn on four acres of land.  It was spacious and allowed me to experience my dream again.  I had flower gardens and…vegetable gardens.  I grew radishes and cucumbers and carrots.  I grew bush beans and peppers.  I grew corn and pumpkins.  It was a lovely assortment.

When the kids played outside, they could graze in the garden for a snack.  When evening came, I watered and weeded.  In the mornings, I picked and prepped.  We had a steamer.  Life was good.

It really was.  Our grocery bills plummeted during the summer.  Our quality of life rose significantly.  And I felt better about all of it…the healthy eating, the healthy feeding, and the healthy living.  I was thinner and happier.

Life was better, simpler.

Then we discovered we needed warmed climates for the boy to thrive.  He had a lot of respiratory issues brought about because of his prematurity.  (Kenna was so early, when she gets out of the hospital we may need to move to South America.)  And the move to North Carolina came swiftly and impulsively.

I couldn’t have the vegetable garden in the apartments, but I continued to raise my beloved flowers and make our life pretty.  And when we finally moved into a house, I discovered that the home was built on a giant rock…the entire neighborhood was.

This year, however, the husband has agreed to help indulge my need for a more homegrown life.  He claims that he will be build me a raised bed.  He tells me that he will even build me a greenhouse.  And this is more than possible given his newly acquired window stash.  (The beauty of installing windows as one of the many services we provide…)

I’m confident this year will be different.  And so I ordered seed and plant catalogs.  And I reminded him that we have goals for winter this year.  And I think we’re ready.  We’re good to go.  We have a start on our big future.  A good start.  Soon we’ll be growing a vegetables…and with any luck, our baby will grow like a weed.

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We try to prepare…

Monday, February 20th, 2012

Kind of.

S and I started watching Extreme Couponing when I was on bed rest.  His contention was that if I started couponing while I was laying around, it might give me something to do.  And I liked the idea.

Mostly, I’m a closet survivalist.  I don’t go crazy with it, but I love having a stock pile of food.  Or…I thought it was a stock pile…until I saw that show…and Doomsday Preppers.  Those people have a stockpile of food.  And most of the doomsday food looks completely inedible.  And so I have to wonder…what’s the point…because if I have to survive on that, I don’t want to survive.

See,  now we…we have a point.  Our point is that we never want to go through another rough winter again.  We never want to struggle that much.  So, we’ve already started preparations.  I am shopping, smart, and with coupons.  Yesterday, I saved $73 with the use of store specials and coupons.  Woot woot!

Saving money makes me feel good.  I feel smarter…and prepared.  And if we keep this up for the rest of the year, we won’t just feel prepared, we’ll actually be prepared.  Prepared is good.

Because there are some things in life that no matter how much you prepare, you can’t prepare enough.  That’s how Kenna was…is.

See, I knew we were going to have a premature baby.  I just didn’t know we were going to have a record setting kind of a baby.  That’s what Kenna has been.  She’s the smallest baby my OB/GYN has delivered alive.  She’s the smallest baby that they have had in the Hemby ICN for as long as they have computerized records…maybe ever.  And there was no preparing for any of that.

The closest I came to preparing was reading everything I could get my hands on before before her surprise arrival.  The day she was born was actually the first doctor appointment that I didn’t bring my bag to.  I thought I was prepared.  It was packed.  And the funny thing is…when you are in the hospital…there are a lot of things you can do without.  You can think that you need all the things on the list that the magazines tell you that you need, but you don’t.  Or maybe I didn’t.

I had a c-section.  There was no music.  There was no need for Lamaze or any other breathing and relaxation techniques.  I tried to be pleasant and work the room as much as my suddenly delicate stomach allowed.  And S, he amazed me.  I don’t know how he did it, but he was everywhere, being everything Kenna and I needed.

I had tried to prepare him.  I told him what to expect of a preemie.  I had no idea we were having a micro-preemie…one of the micro-est of micro-preemies.  Didn’t see that coming.  Oops.

And we’ve held it together ever since.  S has been super dad.  He has shown up practically every day.  He is loving and supportive of me at night.

So we face yet another challenge.  Kenna may have pneumonia.  We were told it’s treatable.  There are antibiotics running already.  We are waiting patiently for cultures.  But I’m not going to worry.  Yet.

Follow along on Kenna’s journey.

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Setting my priorities…

Friday, February 17th, 2012

Breathe, Kenna, breathe!

OR at least trying to.

S thinks that the reason I’m not as focused as I have been in the past is because I spend too much time on Facebook.  And this is coming from a man who spends his free time tending a virtual zoo.  Hello, pot.  Meet kettle.

Oh, but it’s not that simple.  I spend a lot of time on Facebook trying to rally the support I need for Kenna.  She’s been struggling ever since she was on the CPAP.  And while she lasted for 24 hours on that machine and was breathing like a champ…she’s been worn out and on the decline breathing wise ever since.

And it scares me.

I think about it all the time.  I have to.  I’m the mother.

S thinks she’s just being lazy.  He doesn’t see it quite the way I do.  And maybe I’m overreacting on account of…I’m the mother.  Or maybe I just get it.  Maybe I see things he doesn’t see.

All I know is that it’s different for daddies.  He thinks the doctors have this all under control.  He focuses on work.  Supporting his family is his priority.  And I applaud that.  Taking care of the family and worrying over them is mine.

After the visit yesterday, I’m a little more worried than I have been.  Yesterday was the first time in weeks that she didn’t even look at us when we were there.  That’s saying something.  Our little peanut always tries to look at us.  This time…nothing.

Kenna is gaining weight…as she should on the size feedings she’s taking.  She’ll be up to full sized feedings tomorrow.  And then they are talking about taking out the central line.  They have already stopped the lipids.  And as long as she’s on full sized feeds she won’t need the line for her the IV nutrition or fluids.  Her liver functions are improving.  She has this whole pooping thing figured out.  Now she needs to be able to breathe.

Breathing is the one big thing my baby girl needs to do.  And she isn’t.  She can’t.  She’s just too tired.

I was told that it could come with strength from the weight gain.  And I hope so, but she’s much heavier than she has been.  She’s gained several ounces, which is significant for a baby.  And still…nothing.

So, I’m trying to focus on work and helping our business, our livelihood, grow.  I’m trying to stay organized.  I’m trying to be super assistant.  (I am not a secretary.)  And yet I spend a lot of time worrying about Kenna.  I spend a lot of time wondering if she’s going to get over this hump.  I wonder what it will take…because so far nothing is working.  And I spend time on Facebook…posting updates and responding to messages.

I want for this to simply be a bad memory, for this worry to be a thing of the past.  I want her to be happy and healthy and strong.  I want her to breathe.

Please think of Kenna.  Your prayers, warm wishes, and words of encouragement are always greatly appreciated.

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Happiness is having a busy day…

Thursday, February 16th, 2012

Loving her hair...

Yesterday was really productive.  And busy.

There’s something about busy days.  They go so very fast.  And most of the time I’m good with that.  The faster the days go by, the sooner Kenna gets to come home and be with us.  We’re all looking forward to that.  Even Keenan.  I’m thinking he wants some kind of normal back.  Don’t we all.

So, the morning was spent working in our home office, getting in each other’s way, and on each other’s last nerve.  We managed to get it together and like each other again by lunch.  Not that it improved my lunch any.  S picked up Wendy’s while he was out and I only managed to get half my meal.  That would make the second time in as many restaurant runs.  I am beginning to think it is the universe conspiring to tell me I need to cut back.  I get it.  But if that was the case, why take my salad?

After lunch, S took a nap…and I took a run up to the hospital to see my baby girl.  Kenna had been bathed the night before, so she looked all fresh and clean and fuzzy and strawberry blonde.  And I discovered she had gained some weight.  She’s very nearly 1 pound 6 ounces.  Nearly.  In fact she’s 1 pond 5.87 ounces.  That .13 of an ounce…not a big deal on me, but on her…huge.

There was more work to be done upon my return.  I discovered that we were receiving our first window delivery from an 18 wheeler that parked in front of the house.  Thank goodness the men of The Bubble were about…and some friends.  Otherwise, it might not have gone as smoothly.  And the window guy…gave S a big hug.  We like good people and building relationships.

I made dinner…beef stew from scratch…and popovers.  It was good.  Not that S knew.  He went to Bojangles.  And Keenan mostly humored me.  He had already eaten at his friend’s house.  What did they have?  Chicken and potatoes.

me: You don’t get enough chicken and potatoes around here.  I was trying to mix it up with beef and potatoes.

And Keenan just laughed.  He laughs at me a lot.  That is his standard comeback.  I get a laugh and a pat on the head.  Teenagers.

Finally, we had a chance to rest.  It was 10pm.  And we snuggled in.  It was just the way to end a long day.  Too perfect.

See, we can’t complain about being busy.  Busy is good.  We like busy.  We like a sense of purpose.  We love what we do.  And we love love love doing it together.  Happiness.

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