Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

It’s one of those days…

Monday, January 30th, 2012

I should be really happy today.  Kenna is three weeks old.  She finally pooped and now we’re just waiting to hear that her lungs are improving from the new steroid treatment.  She’s old enough that they don’t expect her to suffer any of the potential side effects that are a risk for newborns.  While she’s nowhere near the size of the newborns and gestationally she should only be 27 weeks in utero…she is technically…three weeks old.

And I should be really happy about that.  And I am, but this happiness is overshadowed.

Rachel graduates today.

There’s a name you haven’t heard in a while.  And there are reasons for that, reasons I don’t understand.  All I know is that she moved out, moved in with her boyfriend and hasn’t spoken to me since.  She kept her word.  In our last conversation, she told me she was never going to speak to me again.

I have tried to call several times, but she sent me straight to voice mail.  I even sent a congratulations text when I heard she was graduating.  She didn’t respond.  So Rachel has kept her word.  She’s still not speaking to me.

We talk about her sometimes…S and I.  We have to because now we have a daughter.  And I’m afraid that I will go through all this again and just lose her in the end.  Luckily, I have S to talk me off the ledge.

S: Kenna’s my daughter, too.  It will be different.  She’ll have two parents who work together, instead of one parent who undermines the other.

I sniffled and nodded.

S: Our relationship is different.  We’re going to raise Kenna different.

He’s right.  Our relationship is different.  He’s home at night and on weekends.  He spends time with me.  He includes me in everything.  We don’t have secrets.  Our lives are blissfully intertwined because of work.

I remember when I separated from the ex.  We had been married for fifteen years and it was easy to separate from him…we were less together than S and I are now.  Crazy, huh?  We had two kids.  We had a house.  We had vehicles.  And yet…there was nothing to it.  I can’t say the same for the kind of life S and I have.  It wouldn’t be that easy.

And I’m glad of that.  I’m thrilled for the life we have.  The life we’re going to have.

I was telling Kenna all about it yesterday.  She was listening so attentively as I told her about all the many places we would go and the many things daddy and I couldn’t wait to do with her.  I told her how her father and I were known for our side trips.  I told her about the time we visited Jennie and got lost, so we ended up going to the zoo.  And I told her about the time we had such a rough sailing vacation last summer that we had to take a vacation from our vacation and stopped in Myrtle Beach on the way home from Charleston.  And I told her that I couldn’t wait to take her and daddy to Atlanta.  I have a love affair with the Georgia Aquarium.  And I can’t wait to see her play in the fountains at Olympic Park.

So, I’m powering through the rest of today, which promises to be a challenging day.  We have an insurance audit that I have no choice in attending and a graduation I’m not invited to.  Sounds about right.

And I’m going to focus on the happy and the things I can control.  Kenna is my happy…even though her health is out of my control.

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