Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

I’m not so strong all the time…

Author: thenicknick

I wear out.  Sometimes.  This being hopeful and happy thing can be truly exhausting.  And I never realize how exhausting until I just can’t maintain it anymore.

That’s how yesterday was.

I was done.  I simply didn’t have anything left.

I’m not getting enough sleep.  I’m not able to pump like I want to.  And eventually life catches up with me.  I get overwhelmed.  All I need is a few minutes to cry…a few minutes to let it all go.  Then I can pull myself together again.  I bounce back really quickly.

And all I need to stay strong is for S to be loving and supportive.  Sometimes, that is too much for him.  Sometimes, he’s not in a place where he can do that.  All S needs is to know that he can take care of us, that there is going to be a job or money coming in.  And he hasn’t had that hope lately.  Worse, what work he has done, he’s having trouble getting paid for.

So no, S had nothing to give me.  And I could ever so acutely feel his displeasure.  That wore on me, too.

The problem isn’t that he was upset or that he took it out on me.  The problem was that I understand.  I understand him.  I understand how he thinks.  We’re trying so very hard to fulfill each other’s needs to help each other stay happy.  It’s never been so much work before.  We have a lot weighing down on us.  If it were just one thing…totally different story.  Lately, it’s everything.

And then I saw a post by a friend on Facebook reminding all of us that just one short month ago it was Christmas Eve.  And I realized how far we’ve come.  No wonder I’m worn out.

I went from being sick and scared on bed rest to emergency c-section in two and a half weeks.  I’ve been recovering from being sick.  And all the while I’ve been stretching myself thin, which is different from actual thin, the last two weeks trying to take care of Kenna and fight for her, trying to get our life back in order, and trying to create some semblance of a new routine.

Yeah.  Sometimes…I’m too hard on myself.  And I don’t allow myself enough rest.  And everything catches up with me.  And then it takes something so little to make it all right.

Last night, S made dinner so I could write.  And he cleaned up from dinner so I could write.  And when I was too tired to write anymore, S snuggled me and took a nap with me on the couch all curled together like puppies in a pile.  And when we woke…everything seemed so much more manageable.

There’s one thing I can’t manage.  There’s something completely out of my control.  And it’s what I care about most…Kenna.

Kenna is making the doctors nervous.  She hasn’t pooped.  And her lungs need work…they are still too stiff and her arteries are still too hard.  She’s come so far, but she still has such a very long way to go.

Please think of her.  It helps all of us stay strong.  And thank you in advance.  All prayers, thoughts, and words of encouragement are so very much appreciated.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 25th, 2012 at 8:27 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.