Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

My life has changed…

Author: thenicknick

I think about how different my life was last year and the year before and especially five years ago.  In some ways…it’s obvious.  We’re married and have a baby now.  Having a baby is a big change.  Having a baby in the NICU is a ginormous change.  Really…it changes everything.

And I suppose I explained it best to Kenna the other night while I was visiting her.

I love visiting her.  I talk to her.  I tell her stories.  I still have Goodnight Moon memorized from reading it to my kids so many times.  And Kenna deserves the full experience.  She does, after all, respond to our voices.

On this particular night, I told her how much I miss having her with me all the time.  I miss having her in my belly.  I miss it.  I miss that connection.  I miss the nights when I would curl up in S’s arms or in his lap and he’d caress my belly and talk to Kenna.

Now there’s no touching my belly.  It still hurts too much.  It’s still bruised.  And there’s no talking to Kenna all day long.  I have to save it all up and share it with her when we’re there.

It’s hard not being with her all the time.  I call the NICU each night before I go to bed so I can sleep.  I need to know she’s okay.  I call in the morning to make sure that everything is okay.  I need to know that she made it through the night.  And I get increasingly agitated the later it gets in the day.  I need my Kenna fix.

I need to be with her.  Even though I can’t touch her.  Even though I can’t hold her.  What matters is that I get to be there and she can hear my voice.

That’s the biggest change.  Once again, my life isn’t my own.  Not only do I share it with S, and a teenager who barely needs me, but now everything is about Kenna.  All the choices I make and all the decisions for the future are about what is best for her, taking care of her needs, being her advocate, the best mom possible.  She has worked so hard to be here, worked so hard to stick it out, she deserves the best from me.

We have a long road ahead of us.  She has weight to gain, while I have weight to lose.  We’re both working on our health.  We both need to work on just breathing, although not in the same way.

All I know is that I am so blessed, so fortunate.  When I am weak, I have S to be strong.  When I lose my sense of humor, I have S to make me smile.  When I lose faith, I have S to help put everything in perspective.  Together, we can survive anything…whatever changes life dishes out.

We’re counting down the time until Kenna comes home.  And we do it with a smile, eagerly looking forward to adapting to that change.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 24th, 2012 at 5:39 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.