Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Recovering…

Author: thenicknick

I’ll be heading off to work soon.  I’m dreading it, on so many levels, but if I want my life back to normal, it’s what I have to do.  And I do want it back to normal.

We had a good day yesterday…mostly.  The nurses had warned S that I would probably just want to go to sleep after the surgery on Wednesday night, but I didn’t.  I stayed up until almost 1am with him.  We had some grieving to do together.  And I just wanted to be close to him and be comforted by him.

I let him sleep in after we greeted the new day yesterday.  I probably should have let my body recover on more than four hours hours of interrupted sleep before facing the day, but I didn’t.  I just kept thinking of all the things that I needed to do and pressed on.  I put up yesterday’s post and called Jennie.  I hated to put a damper on her holiday, but she’s my best friend and I knew she’d want to know.

We had plans to join Ed and Laura for Thanksgiving at 2pm, so I had some applesauce to make.  And since I wasn’t able to drive because of the Vicodin, I asked Ed to take me to get apples while S slept.  Miracle of all miracles, I found the last bag of Macintosh…my secret to a great applesauce…and we drove home.

Doing things helps, especially if I’m awake alone.  S requires a lot more sleep than I do.  His job is much more physically demanding.  And in situations like this, he shuts down and sleeps to recover while I tend to stay busy.  He woke in time to get ready.  We ran an errand before going to Ed and Laura’s.  When I left the store, he was on the phone with his father.

This is the hard part.  Telling everyone.  I cheated.  I sent out text messages from the doctor’s office.  I posted on the blog.  I loaded my post on Facebook.  My miscarriage has been Tweeted.  Oh, but S has to dial direct.  He’s more low-tech.  And it hurts to watch.

His friend, Ian, who’s only in town for the week was supposed to come over last night, but S warned him it might not be a good time.  He needed my help sending his one and only text.  “My son died yesterday.  Not sure if you want to come over.”

And so after a nice dinner at Ed and Laura’s that lasted for hours between the meal and the socializing…we finally went home.  He had watched me all day, just like I had watched him.  He had worked so hard to be strong for me at the hospital and now he was feeling the loss.  Ed had been a great distraction, and Laura had been a wonderful sounding board.  I found out that she was on the way to the hospital the other night when she called.  We were already getting my scripts filled, so we just saw her at home instead.  Good friends, huh?

S knew when I was done.  He knew when I was worn out.  So, we went home.  And he continued to take care of me.  He held me close when the Vicodin took its toll on my nerves.  We went to bed early.  I’ve had eight hours sleep.  And as much as I want to return to normal, I don’t want to go back to work.

I’m not ready to face the tons of people who are carrying on with their lives while mine came to a sudden and screeching halt.  I’m not ready to cope with all the people whose well-meaning hugs will bring tears that are lurking just below the surface at any given moment.  I’m tough.  I’m strong.  But I’m not unbreakable.

I’m blessed to share my pain with S, to have someone who also acutely feels the loss of our son, but at the same time, it hurts more.  I see his hurt and I feel it.  He sees my hurt and feels it.  Maybe the space today will do us good.  We offer strength, but we also feed each other’s hurt.  Regardless, I’ve got to go.  Somehow, it’s fitting that the sky has opened up like it’s in mourning, too.  On the bright side…with rain comes rainbows.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 26th, 2010 at 7:15 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.