Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Looking for wood…

Friday, October 29th, 2010

And I’ll tell you why.  It’s because I’m about the only member of the family that hasn’t suffered from a cell tragedy this week.  Really.

Rachel came home from her best friend’s Sweet Sixteen Party on Sunday with hickeys and no phone.  Right.  And I thought I took it pretty well.  I discovered her newly decorated neck, the product of a Truth or Dare game, at lunch time.  She called me to bring her food on her break at work.

me: What happened to your neck?

She used to get soooo mad at me if S and I were a little crazy and I had marks anywhere.  Not even hickeys.  Marks.  Love bruises, if you will.  So, I was a little surprised that she had traveled to the dark side.

Rachel: *sigh* Truth or Dare

me: I dare you to show up at home looking like that.  What will S say?

Rachel: *sigh* It’s no big deal.

me: It kinda is.  And you are working looking like that?  In public?

Rachel: Mom, I only have to work in the back.

me: Oh, and what happened to your phone?  Why did you call me on some strange number?

Rachel: *sigh* I lost it at the party.

And so it began.  I drove back to the house and warned S about Rachel’s neck.  He reacted pretty much the way I expected.

S: So her boyfriend was there?

me: No.

S: So she cheated on her boyfriend.

me: No.  I think they broke up.  At least that was the plan when she left for school Friday morning.

S: So…she rebounds fast.

And when she came home that night, after he said she could never comment about marks on me EVER again, there was a lecture about being more responsible with cell phones.  I’m pretty sure S was a part of that discussion, which is soooo ironic and wrong.

This is why…

In the last two and a half years, S has lost his phone…counting yesterday…three times that I know of.

The first time he left the phone on the truck and it fell off as we drove home from the pool.  Ah, it was the summer of the pool.  Good times.  And cook outs.  He never recovered that phone.  And that was the phone that I had gotten all crazy and sent him a naughty photo text message when I was missing him from Atlanta.  Lesson learned.  So I thought.

The next time he lost his phone was when we were in Miami after the cruise.  We were wandering around the mall, killing time while we waited for our rental car to be ready.  He left it on a bench and someone walked off with it.  I called it until someone answered and then I used my best broken Spanish to recover it.  Yay, Nicki!  He loved me a lot for that.

And so yesterday afternoon, about forty minutes before I was supposed to be done with work, I had a call from his father.  He had received a call from the man who had found S’s phone in the road.  And I knew why he hadn’t answered my call moments before.  Dammit.  And I knew that S was off the grid and stubborn and who knew when he’d give up and come home to discover that I had made arrangements to recover the phone.

It wasn’t the biggest tragedy we’ve suffered.  And I doubt it will be the last.  In the scheme of things, I like this kind of problem, the kind that’s easy to solve.

Wish me luck.  I’m having my first ultrasound this morning.  They are calling it a ‘viability scan.’  That makes me nervous.  Please let this baby be viable.  I’ll let you know.

Posted in Reflections | 7 Comments »

Happiness is a memory mirror…

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

It wasn’t always that way.  When S and I first began living together, the mirror was one of many areas of contention.  That was before I learned.

All I knew in that moment was that I was tired of looking into a mirror that was covered in memories of exes.  There were football stubs and some beads.  And the worst by far was the card.

The card came from the one ex who had ever been any competition, the one that he compared me to, the one that he thought he loved and was going to spend the rest of his life with.  It was a slap in the face to constantly have that reminder staring at me in the mirror.  It was a St. Patrick’s Day card.  And while most would be more concerned about Valentine’s Day, I knew the importance my Irishman placed on his holiday.

So I stared at a mug of green beer for over a year.  And I would stew.  And once I even had a huge outburst over it.

me: I’m not asking you to throw these things away, but couldn’t you at least put them away, in a box or something?  Keep them.  I just don’t want to always have to see them.

Oh, but he was adamant that they stay put.  And it made me feel like I was temporary, like he still clung to the past.  And in many ways…he did.

Then came this past St. Patrick’s Day.  And I would be lying if I didn’t say that I bought the card in the hopes that it might make the mirror.  I really did.  For me, I needed that place of honor.

One thing I had discovered was that if I stopped pushing, if I let things alone then he would change his ways eventually, on his time schedule in his own time.  It had happened time and again.  Push and he dug in his heels.  Give him time and space after expressing my thoughts and feelings and he would see my way and meet my needs every time.  Yay!

Him: So, what if I take the other card down and you put this one up?

It seemed a simple gesture, but it was so much more than that.  He was letting go of the past.  He put the card in her box.  Of all the women he’s ever been with, he’s only kept two boxes: one for her, and one for me.  He keeps things I’ve written in his safe.  He keeps his favorite picture of me in his safe.  And I’m not entirely sure what he keeps in the box.

Ah, but the mirror…the mirror is filled with memories of our life together.  I write on all of them so we remember the details.  There’s the family trip to Great Wolf Lodge.  There are mementos from our cruise.  There’s the corn maize and movies and aquariums and all kinds of special times.  It’s getting a little crowded, but there’s always room for more.  And most importantly, seeing it makes us happy.

Posted in Happiness is... | 4 Comments »

Seeking silence…

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

There are some aspects of my life that I just love.  I simply love my quiet time in the morning.  I love that golden hour when I work on the computer and exercise.  I love my prenatal yoga tape.  I love how I feel after…ready to face the world.

It used to be that I was so alert and in such a good place after my shower that I was like an impatient child waiting for S to wake up and join me in the day.  It’s different now.  I give him morning space.  I wait for him to acknowledge me, to be ready to face the world of noise.

See, I need to get away from noise once in a while, too, so I understand.  I need my quiet.  I need to just sit and think and breathe and be.  Too often, that is what I lack in life.  Too often, the stress sneaks in and steals my calm, my happy.

Now, especially, I struggle to fight the stress, to recognize the signs, to give myself a chance to decompress before I have a meltdown.  Monday night S and Rachel made dinner and I had a meltdown on the garage couch.  By the time he came out to be with me, I was all sniffles and wet sleeves.  And moments after that I was better.  I don’t dwell.  I just need a moment to collect.

There are mitigating factors.  My job.  Mostly my job.  The constant intrusions.  The utter lack of quiet.

All day, I’m on the phone.  I talk on the phone for my job ALL DAY LONG.  And if I’m not on the phone, I’m talking to people in person.  So by the time I’m done work for the day, I don’t want to talk to anyone, not on the phone, sometimes not even in real life.  And lately, my down time has been filled with talks.  There’s much to talk about, much to discuss.  We have a big life that is getting bigger, right along with my belly.  We have to prepare…for everything.  We need to make sure we’re in a good place.  We need to be right to prepare for anything that may go wrong…like with the pregnancy.

This has been my best pregnancy…so far.  There’s still loads of time to for it to tank.  But I believe in the power of positive thinking.  And I believe in the soul’s ability to heal with the right care.  S soothes me.  I tried to explain it to him the other night.

me: Being around you…calms me…inside.

S just stared at me.

me: I’m not sure I can explain this right.  All I know is that I’m all different inside now.  And when you are near, it’s quieter, it’s calm.  I’m more peaceful.

S: No, I get it.

He hugged me then.  He’s been hugging me a lot lately.  We’re in a good place.  And I’m working on keeping us happy and calm.

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So you’re probably wondering…

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

So, I guess I should tell you that it was a nice weekend, punctuated with a nice mix of friends and quality alone time.  We had a glorious Friday night where we stayed up and talked until 3am about everything that was really important, everything going on between us, our plans for the future, and how we could meet each other’s needs and wants.  It was so good.  And I slept in on Saturday morning.  Yup, 9am.  That’s sleeping in for me.

Then Saturday night was the corn maze with Lonnie and Lindsay.  We ended up getting free tickets while we were standing in line to buy them.

Kid: Where’s the line for tickets?

Me: We’re in it.

Kid: Want to buy some tickets?

Me: That’s why we’re in it.

Kid: $10.

Me: They’re $7 each.

S is way more astute than I am.

S: How about you give them to us?

And that’s how we ended up with free tickets.  The kid simply passed them to him, shrugged, and walked away.

S: Good thing I can be intimidating, huh?

Me: You’ve never scared me.

Needless to say, it was fun…when S wasn’t driving me crazy with his antics.  There were a few rules.  And I’m positive he broke every single one of them.  There was swearing…despite the possibility of kids within ear shot.  He messed with the corn.  He ran in the maze.  He pretty much was the defiant punk he warned me he had been when he was younger.  And I was fuming.  This is the man who was going to be a father soon?  Really?  And my other thought…what the heck had I signed up for?  What kind of demon seed was I bearing?

Luckily, I was numb to it all by the time he fed funnel cakes to the reindeer…so Santa would be extra special good to us.  And I simply walked off when he opened and entered the pen with the goats.  I have to admit, however, that I was pleased to have him flick the chicken that pecked me.  Yes, me.  The nice one.  The one who was looking upon it kindly without drooling.

We were in bed by midnight, but the memories of the night linger…in the form of the pilfered corn cob in the kitchen and the free ticket stub in the mirror.  That mirror is like an homage to our life together.  It makes me happy just looking at it.  I’d go into detail, but it may be my Thursday post.  If Monday is any indication, I’m going to have to dig deep to find my happy.

And then there was Sunday.  My Panthers…they won!  Who knew they had it in them?  Yeah, we had given up.  Instead we were visiting with neighbors and sawing down trees, and just being relaxed and happy.  We played another game of Apples to Apples, this time with John.  And we used the telescope.

We went to bed early that night.  And stayed up very late.  There was love.  And judging by the way he’s doting on me even today…there still is.

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Love changes everything…

Monday, October 25th, 2010

When it comes to seeing the world differently…when it comes to a great metamorphosis…nothing has more power to change perspective and appearance like love.  An ordinary looking person becomes completely gorgeous in the eyes of the person who loves them.  Someone who is nothing too magical becomes incredible because of love.

And this I was reminded of after much thought and some searching the other day.  I suddenly had this need to locate all my childrens books.  I never managed to give away or sell all of my favorites.  And so we still have Goodnight Moon and Brown Bear and Honey, I Love, and others that mean even more.  I found my copy of The Giving Tree.  And I could never part with The Velveteen Rabbit.  And, of course, my ultimate favorite…The Little Prince.  I seem to have about four copies of that in two languages.

Of all the stories a a thinker like me can appreciate, tales of love and life.  The Little Prince was the first book I ever read to Keenan.  He was still in the NICU and I’d go and read him a few chapters while I held him.  It was an ordeal.  We had to get a hat on him, and adjust all his wires, take his temperature frequently.  There is no greater enemy to a preemie than cold.   Then we would settle in and I’d read to him.

Keenan wasn’t a beautiful baby, not by traditional standards.  He was a reddish purple most of the time.  He didn’t have an ounce of body fat, not even butt cheeks.  There was simply a hole there.  Pretty, huh?  He was as wrinkly as any shar pei.  But to me, he was handsome.  It was just like in The Velveteen Rabbit.  When you love someone, you don’t notice that they are missing hair or wrinkly or strangely colored.  When you love someone, you see past the scary tubing and wires, the IV sticking out of their forehead.  You don’t mind any of the things they lack…even butt cheeks…because of love.  The magic of unconditional love.

Then we get older.  We grow and we learn.  We change.  We develop.

Someday we meet someone.  And there may be sparks.  There may be instant chemistry.  And if you are like me, it has little to do with outward appearance…although that never hurts…and more to do with what is inside that person that causes the attraction.  There is something about them that makes them stand out to you.  It’s that thing in The Little Prince that makes one fox different from all the other foxes, one rose stand apart from all other roses.  It’s the time we spend on someone, getting to know them, loving them, that makes them different and special, that elevates them over millions and millions of other men and women.

More unconditional love.  More acceptance.  More…everything.

Love changes.  It is the ultimate catalyst for change.  Things we wouldn’t do, never wanted to do, suddenly seem doable…like having a child…like being with one person forever.  FOREVER.  Love forces us to re-evaluate our lives.  We look and see where there is room for change, where improvements are needed.  We exercise more, eat better, drink less, give up other vices entirely.  Ah, the magic that is love.

Is it worth it?  Ah, but love is the only thing in life worth anything.  To love and be loved…that is the meaning of life.  That is the meaning in life.  For if we have no love, for ourself, for others, what is there?

Don’t forget to share the love today.

Posted in Reflections | 6 Comments »

Pimping the puppy…

Saturday, October 23rd, 2010

We’ve come to a decision.  We are going to breed Bishop.

I know what you’re thinking.  The last thing we need around here right now is more dogs.  We don’t need to worry about a dog that big possibly getting more aggressive after he’s had some.  Crazy timing, since I’m baking a baby.

Well, to that I say…

Did you know that he can simply be milked at the vet and we can ship the stuff?

I’ve learned a lot lately.  And the biggest thing…he doesn’t have to do the deed.  There are ways around that.  We don’t have to worry about having a female in heat running around the house.  We don’t have to worry about it becoming some crazy version of Wild Kingdom in the back yard.

Apparently, with dogs, there are ways around that.  Yay!

And so with that in mind, I built Bishop a blog.  We’re offering up his seed.  We’re pimping out the puppy.  With any luck, he’ll start to like going to the vet.

Check out his page.  And if you know anyone with a Great Dane who might be interested, please pass our information along.

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Playing the game…

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

I was dreading Thursday for…well, weeks, really.  It was not something I wanted to do.  It was mandatory.  And we all know how I feel about mandatory commitments.  (like cleaning up after the Wachovia…)

So, I drove uptown.  And I hate driving uptown.  Charlotte’s center city is filled with one way streets.  When I get lost it can take blocks for me to get right again.  *sigh*

And I had to be there at 8:30am, which meant I’d have to leave at 7:30am to avoid all the traffic.  I love my normal ten minute commute.  I picked it for a reason.

Oh, and this is the best part.  This is what I had to do.  Ready?

Court ordered parenting class.

Yup.  I was so aggravated for so many reasons.  First of all, I had to waste half a day of vacation time to do this.  Then I had to do the aforementioned drive at an ungodly hour to a section of town I avoided like the plague.  And…most of all…I hated the insinuation that I needed to be taught how to parent.  There was no way to avoid it if I wanted to not be held in contempt of court while trying to get child support.  There was no way to proficiency out of it.  And so, I went.

While I drove, I stewed.  Here I am, a member of the Yahoo! Mother Board, which would suggest I have some parenting ability.  And I’ve been recently named a Shine Parent Guru.  That’s right…guru!  That would imply that I am an expert in that field…parenting.

Yet there I was, on the way to a parenting class.

So, I tried to make it fun.  I stopped at Chick-fil-A to get a chicken biscuit.  It was my little reward to me for going.  And I sang songs in the car.  And I finally made it there after only getting lost once.  That’s actually really good for me.

My thrilling moment was finding the best parking in the area, at the lowest rate…$2.75!  The real trick was to figure out how to use it.  I didn’t realize the space number was on the curb in front of the car.  Common sense for some.  Me…I don’t drive uptown!  And then I had to learn how to stuff dollar bills into the teeny tiny slot and poke them through with this special paddle.

Finally, I paid money I didn’t want to pay to go to a class I didn’t want to take.  Seemed fair.  And I took my seat in a room filled with people just like me.  No one really wanted to be there…especially the woman who traveled with her own box of Kleenex.

It was reasonably painless.  And soon it was clear that it wasn’t exactly a parenting class.  It was more a lesson in how to help your kids through the life altering experience of the divorce/separation/breakup .  And…it wasn’t so bad.  Sure, there were those who wanted to spend the time venting about their personal circumstances.  I wasn’t one of those.  No, if I’m going to share with strangers, it’ll be all of you!  (Don’t you feel special?)

The class was over none too soon.  I survived.  And I have my certificate, which I’m told is suitable for framing, and will keep me in the court’s good graces.  And…I had something to write about.  In fact, it made me want to write better children’s books.

But that is an idea…to be continued…

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Happiness is family game night…

Thursday, October 21st, 2010

Yes, we decided to start playing games together.  It’s a nice activity.  We haven’t really done that before…at least…not as this family.

And so we pulled out and dusted off Apples to Apples.  I bought it last Christmas.  It came highly recommended by Jennie.  She talked about the hours of fun she and her family had playing it, so I thought it was worth a try.

Well, we hadn’t had cause to open it.  In fact, we barely thought about it.  Then, when we were with Jennie and her family over Labor Day Weekend, we played Apples to Apples with them.  We were hooked.  Maybe not hooked…let’s call it intrigued.

And so we played it last night with the kids.  It started the usual way.  We all gathered around the coffee table.  We unwrapped the cards while picking at each other.  Bishop was sad to not be included so he spent the time hovering and pacing and pretty much just butting in every chance he had.  I thought it was cute.  Rachel, who bore the brunt of his interest as she was sitting on the floor, was far less amused.

For a long time it was a shut out.  S and the kids had all the cards.  I couldn’t win.  There were times my card seemed like it should be the obvious choice.  (For those of you who haven’t played…the game involves people taking turns being the judge.  The judge pulls a card from the green deck…an adjective like, charming, or alluring, or glamorous, etc.  And we have seven red cards in our hand…people, places, things, events, etc…that we play face down in the center.  The judge determines which best represents the green card.  The first person to get the determined number of green card wins.)

So, when Rachel had to judge ‘peaceful’ and I played ‘zen,’ you would have thought it’d be the shoe-in, right?  Nope.  She second guessed and picked hummingbirds, S’s card.  At least she completely excluded Keenan’s Mad Cow Disease or there would have been some explaining to do.

And when the word was ‘chunky’ and I played Rosie O’Donnell (sorry, Rosie…) to a Meryl Streep and whatever S played…seemed like I had this.  Then Keenan had to ask who Rosie O’Donnell is.  Yes, we lost something in translation.  And I didn’t win that one either.

The game lasted a good hour.  There was much laughter.

S wondered how we saw him when he had to judge calm.  I played lightening.  Rachel laid down drive a car off a cliff.  And Keenan used cults.  (Nothing more calm than a good cult.  Pass the Kool Aid!)

When I finally won a round, I jumped in the air and cheered.  In the end, S won the game because Rachel thought that Las Vegas was more alluring than my Niagara Falls and Keenan’s neurosurgeon.

Suffice it to say, we’ll definitely be playing that again.  We’ve even talked about inviting some of the neighbors over.  I think we should.  I think we could have a lot of fun broadening our horizons past standing in driveways talking and playing pool in the man cave.

It was a night of family bonding at its finest.  And I can’t wait for a rematch.

Posted in Happiness is... | 3 Comments »

Love sticks…

Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

There’s something about love that forces people out of their comfort zones, challenges them to be more than they are, turns the average person into a risk taker.  Yup.  I’ve seen it time and again.

I read through Jolene’s Facebook posts after reading her blog post.  And it was obvious to me that love was working its magic on her.  She was suddenly more confident, more willing to try new things.  And I recognized love at the heart of it all.

I read T’s Quest with a passion I usually reserve for those books with the pictures of buff bare chested men on the cover.  You know the ones I’m talking about:  the romance novels.  As an English major, it still pains me to admit that I love love love them.  I’m supposed to be sophisticated and spend all my free time partaking in the contemporary fiction and the classics.  Sometimes I do, but romance novels will always hold a special place in my heart.

What I love about T is the openness with which she lives her life.  She shares.  (Man, does she share.)  She dares.  (I wish I could be so daring.)  And while not all of the experiences she reveals were the product of her loving and amazing relationship with ‘Rascal,’ the best ones are.

And I think on my own relationship.  Love is a great catalyst for change.  Love has made S want things he never imagined he’d want…like me.  It’s a tough realization for him sometimes.  He imagined his life differently.  At the same time, he can’t imagine a life without me after all this time together.  How could he?  This life we have created is a good life.  It’s not always super exciting, but it is very rewarding.

We are blessed with good friends and good neighbors.  We share our life with my kids and his first…on the way.  We have a nice home with much potential to be an awesome home.  We have the routines that give us roots and wings.  And we know how to shake things up and adapt when we need to.

Life as an adult is different from life in your early twenties.  There is more responsibility.  There are more demands on your time.  Life is richer, but different.  Moving from superficial to substance is scary.  There are bumps along the way.  There are people who will come and go.  There are choices to be made.  What do you keep?  What is the heart of it all?

And if you have your priorities in order, you realize that the couple is the heart of the home.  You realize that the relationship is the anchor in the storm, the umbrella in the downpour.

It isn’t easy.  Like everything else in life, it takes work.  How could it not?  Put two people together, ask them to share the same space, to share a life.  There will be skirmishes.  There will be challenges to balance wants and needs of the parties involved.  In the end, the efforts are worth it.  There is growth where there is love.  And when it gets rough, when it gets too tough to almost take, love sticks it out.

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