Let me begin with a disclaimer, and a hope that you won’t see me too differently after this…painful admission.
Remember last October when we broke up? Remember how devastated I was? Remember how much it hurt that HE told me that he thought his ex-girlfriend the surgically enhanced sometimes Maxim model was THE ONE for him?
Yeah. That’s what I was reminded of as I read this book.
Following Polly, by Karen Bergreen, reminded me of how I cyber-stalked the competition.
Maybe cyber-stalking is too strong a term. What I did was something akin to what the main character did. I had to know what was so magical about this chick. It ate at me. I had to know after being told repeatedly that I was his best friend, the best girlfriend he ever had, the best thing to ever happen to him…I had to know what she had that I didn’t.
And so…I checked her out online. I couldn’t help myself.
Unlike the main character in the book, I am not invisible. I can’t blend in. I don’t hide well. There is something about me that makes me stand out. HE always told me that I had a light, a charisma that drew people to me. And I believe that. I know that to be true. I do have a way of drawing people in…good and bad.
I know that I’m not as young as I once was. I don’t think of myself as beautiful. Instead, I see myself as cute and perky. What I lack in actual physical appeal I tend to make up for in personality. And that light.
So, to have HIM tell me that he thought she might be THE ONE was devastating. And I had to know about her. I knew it was her physical appeal. The stories he told me, the quotes he shared, made her sound vapid and idiotic. That only left the outer package. And I knew that would only take her so far with him, only help her for so long.
Well, I found her on Facebook. It wasn’t hard. We shared a mutual friend, and aspiring model that she is, her profile was public.
*sigh*
So, I looked. I more than looked. I studied the pictures. I visited the links. I wanted to know her as much as possible.
And the thing is, much like Polly, once the mystique was revealed…I wasn’t so worried. I didn’t feel so badly.
I know that comparing myself to others is not a good thing. I preach against it citing Desiderata all the time. There will always be greater and lesser persons than myself.
It was a learning experience, just like everything that followed over the next few months were for him.
I learned that I need to be true to myself. I learned that I am smarter and stronger than I imagined. I learned that looks aren’t everything. I learned that sometimes the best and most important things in life cannot be seen, but instead must be felt. And I learned that there is no comparison when it comes to love and relationships.
Youth, beauty, an amazing body…these things will only take you so far. That’s why those features are best left for print or for the big and small screen. Ultimately, it really is what is inside what counts. Ultimately, the kind of person you are, how you treat others, and your intelligence will take you farther.
It wasn’t my finest moment. I’m not proud that I stooped to that level, that I felt the need to investigate. I’m not proud that I was that girl. At the same time, I was human and I was hurting. And I think that when you are in the bad place, you get a pass.
At least my moment was fleeting and online. Since my luck tends to be bad luck, someone could have been really hurt. I’m guessing…*gulp*…me.
This post was made possible by a free novel provided by the From Left to Write Online Book Club.
I think it’s perfectly natural to stalk the person your ex left you for. It’s traumatic and you want answers. Sometimes a mystery is the hardest thing to deal with. So don’t beat yourself up about it.
Have you talked to him about this? What does he say about her now? Ultimately, you WON… there must be a reason he’s chosen you!
There is absolutely no reason to be ashamed. You only did what was natural. Haven’t we all been there? God bless the internet, so we can satisfy our curiosity without having to resort to cloak and dagger aspirations!
I get this. I completely get this. Curiosity gets the best of us… and helps us to feel validated in one way or the other.
Human indeed.
((hugs))
Eh, it’s alright to be curious. Given the circumstances, I would have been curious, too. No worries.
Cyber stalker!!! haha. I have to say, I’ve checked out gf’s online, but never bothered to check out the men they were chasing.
How was the booK????
Yes, totally human. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
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“HIM” is far too typical of many men. They become enamored with the “outside” because of how it makes them feel walking down the street with her. They want the attention of having every head in the room turn when “they” walk in. Yet relationships based solely upon the superficial always have the tendency to end for the same reason they started . Eventually someone prettier, younger, or richer will come into the picture and “whoosh”, gone. Then these same guys wonder why the relationship never works out.
I know that October sucked, but I think it was a good month for you anyway. And as far as the stalking thing is concerned, anyone would have done the same thing.
You are definitely not alone in what you have done. In this day and age, with facebook, blogging, googling, etc., you almost cannot help yourself!
I have an “ex” best friend whom even though I am not her friend on FB I can see most of her page. I look at it every now and then, but it always pisses me off! Why do we do it? About the only thing I have going for me that she doesn’t is that I am thinner than her!
I can totally relate. Like Polly, there was a girl I grew up with who plagued me. She was terrible to me, yet everyone clung to her (which meant most of my friends quickly disappeared). I recently spent some time checking her out on Facebook and realized that in the end, I won. My life is rich and beautiful and I wouldn’t trade it for all the scrunchies or banana clips in the world.
My husband’s ex-girlfriend was a model. In the early days, it was hard to stomach. Because she was also really really smart. And French. And wealthy. But even all that wasn’t enough. In the end, personality trumped it all.
I think it is normal too and what is more healthy is that you realized that she wasn’t a threat after you saw the real her!
You definitely get a pass! In this age of all access info, it’s so hard to NOT cyberstalk. Sometimes I long for the days before facebook and twitter and google.
WOW…I did the same thing after The Ex left me for our “friend.” Her F/B profile was also public and I was able to see photos of them with MY children. I drove myself a little batty, but I didn’t do more than look online. Eventually that stopped because I just didn’t care anymore. BTW: I never long for days before F/B, Twitter or Google
I don’t think merely looking at someone’s profile online is really stalking. There is a line, but of course you’d be curious. I bet she checked you out as well!
I think you handled it all exceptionally well.
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Someone once told me, it’s not stalking if it takes less than 3 clicks.
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