Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Following Polly and my not so finest moment…

Monday, September 13th, 2010

Let me begin with a disclaimer, and a hope that you won’t see me too differently after this…painful admission.

Remember last October when we broke up?  Remember how devastated I was?  Remember how much it hurt that HE told me that he thought his ex-girlfriend the surgically enhanced sometimes Maxim model was THE ONE for him?

Yeah.  That’s what I was reminded of as I read this book.

Following Polly, by Karen Bergreen, reminded me of how I cyber-stalked the competition.

Maybe cyber-stalking is too strong a term.  What I did was something akin to what the main character did.  I had to know what was so magical about this chick.  It ate at me.  I had to know after being told repeatedly that I was his best friend, the best girlfriend he ever had, the best thing to ever happen to him…I had to know what she had that I didn’t.

And so…I checked her out online.  I couldn’t help myself.

Unlike the main character in the book, I am not invisible.  I can’t blend in.  I don’t hide well.  There is something about me that makes me stand out.  HE always told me that I had a light, a charisma that drew people to me.  And I believe that.  I know that to be true.  I do have a way of drawing people in…good and bad.

I know that I’m not as young as I once was.  I don’t think of myself as beautiful.  Instead, I see myself as cute and perky.  What I lack in actual physical appeal I tend to make up for in personality.  And that light.

So, to have HIM tell me that he thought she might be THE ONE was devastating.  And I had to know about her.  I knew it was her physical appeal.  The stories he told me, the quotes he shared, made her sound vapid and idiotic.  That only left the outer package.  And I knew that would only take her so far with him, only help her for so long.

Well, I found her on Facebook.  It wasn’t hard.  We shared a mutual friend, and aspiring model that she is, her profile was public.

*sigh*

So, I looked.  I more than looked.  I studied the pictures.  I visited the links.  I wanted to know her as much as possible.

And the thing is, much like Polly, once the mystique was revealed…I wasn’t so worried.  I didn’t feel so badly.

I know that comparing myself to others is not a good thing.  I preach against it citing Desiderata all the time.  There will always be greater and lesser persons than myself.

It was a learning experience, just like everything that followed over the next few months were for him.

I learned that I need to be true to myself.  I learned that I am smarter and stronger than I imagined.  I learned that looks aren’t everything.  I learned that sometimes the best and most important things in life cannot be seen, but instead must be felt.  And I learned that there is no comparison when it comes to love and relationships.

Youth, beauty, an amazing body…these things will only take you so far.  That’s why those features are best left for print or for the big and small screen.  Ultimately, it really is what is inside what counts.  Ultimately, the kind of person you are, how you treat others, and your intelligence will take you farther.

It wasn’t my finest moment.  I’m not proud that I stooped to that level, that I felt the need to investigate.  I’m not proud that I was that girl. At the same time, I was human and I was hurting.  And I think that when you are in the bad place, you get a pass.

At least my moment was fleeting and online.  Since my luck tends to be bad luck, someone could have been really  hurt.  I’m guessing…*gulp*…me.

This post was made possible by a free novel provided by the From Left to Write Online Book Club.

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