Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Much better…

Author: thenicknick

Friday was rough.  No denying.  Between having a sick dog, a tense HIM, and a scoundrel of an ex…it is no wonder I was in a bit of a funk.  I earned my funk.  And I just couldn’t vent.  Words hurt too much.

I peaked too soon, Friday.  I had such high hopes for the lucky penny I had stooped to pick up.  It seemed to be working.  My second patient of the day brought us breakfast.  A really good breakfast.  A breakfast of ham, egg, and cheese bagel sandwiches and coffee from Bruegger’s.

Then it simply tanked from there.

By yesterday morning, when HE woke from a dream and punch/pushed me in the side and jarred me from bed, I was ready to give up on a good weekend.  I even contemplated going back to bed and staying there until Monday.  HE had a guy’s night planned, going to the Jets game with his boys.  I was supposed to be entertaining Lindsay while they were gone.

Oh, and they were making a day of it, meeting up around 4pm for an 8pm game, probably returning home around midnight.  When she canceled due to illness, I was mildly disappointed.  I’ll admit it.  And HE made a nearly genuine offer to cancel, his resolve strengthened by the knowledge that I would never take him up on it.

In all honesty, the thought never crossed my mind.  I needed some down time, some alone time, a chance to get back to being me, just like Guy’s Night was for him.  I needed to be alone in the house, do things that I wanted to do with no regard for anyone’s feelings but my own.  I needed to eat what I wanted, when I wanted.  I needed to talk on the phone with friends without anyone around to interrupt or overhear.  I needed to watch what I wanted to watch on television without having a committee or a vote.

So after I dropped him off at the light rail station, I drove off and picked up sushi and soup.  My favorite shrimp wonton soup from the frozen food section has changed.  Yes, improved even.  They added noodles.  It was even better than normal.  So good.  A guilty pleasure.

And after that, I started a new series on demand.  I watched four episodes of Covert Affairs while Ninja snuggled me.  It was lovely.

Then I talked on the phone with Jennie for a while.  I paced as I like to when I talk.  It drove Bishop crazy.  He finally gave up on following me on all fours and settled on his couch and followed me with his eyes instead.  It was still mildly disconcerting, but very cute.

When that was done, I returned a missed call from Spring…that turned into a trip down the road to visit.  We ended up watching some football.  And we played videos from YouTube.  And we sang and danced.  When she announced she was tired, I left.

I felt good all night.  It was a good night, punctuated with lots of texts from HIM.  It was a relaxing night.  It was just what I needed.  Free time is good for the soul.  It’s the one thing I was missing from living in the apartment.

Can I let you in on a secret?  I didn’t miss him.  Not during his guy time.  I didn’t miss him one bit.  I was ready for him to come home, so I could end my night in his arms.  Other than that…I liked the break.  We needed the break.

And it made me realize how big the trust is.  He tells me all the time that he never worries about whether or not to trust me.  He worries that I won’t trust him, that I am so damaged from the years with the ex that it has made it impossible for him to have any freedoms.  The free night made me realize how much I trust him.  I wasn’t afraid of what he would do left to his own devices.  I wasn’t afraid of him not coming home.  And that made the night a truly free night.  I can breathe once more.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 22nd, 2010 at 1:41 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.