Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Give yourself a break…

Author: thenicknick

As a divorced single mother, I have a tendency to beat myself up for…well…being divorced.  See, I was only going to marry once.  I was going to do everything in my power to make the marriage work.  I was going to live in the neat little two story home with the proverbial white picket fence with two point five children and a dog.

About that.

We had a dog.  In fact over the years we had several dogs.  The first, Sara, the ex delivered to me as I was getting ready for work.  He literally dropped her into my arms and departed, leaving me standing bewildered and disgusted.  I had never had a dog before.  Sara was a good companion, but since we were busy, we brought her another companion: Tia.  There was nothing I needed less than a miniature and a toy poodle.

Then I had Rachel.  And we were gone even more.  The result was that I finally managed to convince the ex that I couldn’t raise two dogs and a child while being gone all the time going to college.  He bucked.  He balked.  He argued.

He wasn’t around enough to get a bigger say.  And so I found them a home where they could go together.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.  It was a better idea than any of the alternatives…like keeping them.

The ex shut himself in the bathroom and cried when they were taken away.  Yes.  Cried.  And I think I started hating him just a little then.  We had lost a child about a year and a half before.  He hadn’t shed a tear.  He hadn’t understood the depth of my sorrow.  Only there he was crying over these fucking dogs.  (Jolene’s right.  It does feel good to drop the bomb once in a while.)  Yup.  I never forgave him for that.

Just like I can pinpoint absolutely the first moment I fell in love with HIM, I can pinpoint the first time I moved from hurt to hate with the ex.  And I know hate is a strong word.  I don’t use it lightly.  And I’ll never share all the reasons, the justifications for those feelings, but…if you knew, you’d understand.  Really.

Just know that we had lots of issues through the years.  There were lots of things that I was expected to forgive and forget.  And you can say you will, you can try all you want, but sometimes, no matter your intentions, it just sits there lurking in the back of your mind collecting dust, waiting to be thrown front and center in any relevant argument.

That’s what I did with him.  I armed myself, I guarded my heart.  I was tense and hurt and sad and mostly angry all the time.  You wouldn’t have recognized me.  I didn’t know I could be like this…happy.  I wanted to be.  Only it isn’t easy to finally have what you wanted.

It’s scary.  It’s scary because it could all be gone in the blink of an eye…again.  And it’s scary to think about failing…again.  And it’s scary to think about hurting or disappointing the kids…again.

Then I decided to let it all go.  The truth is…

A bad first marriage is a good learning experience.

Because of it I learned…

• People don’t really change.  I know you may argue that point some, but I kept waiting for the ex to grow up and become the person he claimed he wanted to be.  Now his new girlfriend is the one waiting.  I wish her luck with that.
• Finding the right fit is a trial and error process.  It’s a matter of finding the flaws you want to live with.  Choose wisely.
• Loving someone doesn’t make  them right for you.  Just as a person loving you doesn’t make them right either.
• Sometimes a person can claim to love you, but still hurt you over and over and over again.  And that’s not any kind of love I want any part of.
• You can be right or you can be happy.  You can’t be both.  Choose happy.  I spent seventeen years with the ex.  I was never wrong.  And I was miserable.
• Sometimes you can have the life you always imagined on paper, only to find it empty and lacking.  We looked good on paper, even on photo paper.  It was still a shell of the life I could have had, the life I’m working on having.
• Sometimes you need to take a chance, make scary choices, and be willing to give up some things to get others that are far more important.  I gave up financial security.  I gave up my house.  I gave up constant travel and entertainment.  And because of that, I am free to be with someone who loves me and will never hurt me.  Small price to pay, huh?

And now…I’m ready to take a stand.  I’m ready to reclaim my life.  I want to shake off all the old BS and move forward.  It’s a new day.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 17th, 2010 at 12:04 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.