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Archive for August, 2010

Not a bad way to start my week…

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

I had a horrible sleep. That was the down side. I woke up cursing HIM, who often fights in his sleep. I cursed him for the elbows to the back of my head. (Of course, I was grateful that I was facing away from him, or the damage could have been much worse.) And I was cursing him for the kick that connected with my leg and the others that I had to avoid in my half-sleep. And I was cursing him for the blow to the ribs that had me retaliating with a matching blow. (HE whimpered and then I felt bad.)

So, I woke up in a not so happy place on a Monday. And I told Rachel about it as she prepared for school.

Rachel: I would have been on the couch. Why didn’t you move?

And it’s simple. I would rather suffer his occasional dream-wrath than be anywhere else in the world. A bad sleep next to him is still better than a decent sleep alone.

Still, I walked my butt down Carmel Road. I’m working on week three of exercise. Yay me! And I used it the same as always…thinking time.

There’s much to consider. I can’t even express it. Much of it, of course, has to do with HIM and our talks. These talks are good and big. And I’m reluctant to share. I never want to ever whisper a hint of anything that isn’t a done deal. Soon. I hope.

And I was saddened when I came across the dead deer on the side of the road. It was there on Friday. It was still there after the weekend. It was no way to start the day.

That’s when I crossed the bridge back to The Bubble. And I saw it…them. Deer! Never before have I seen them just wandering through the neighborhood, but this morning…yes! A mother and two babies, walking through my old yard. And I followed, hoping to catch even a grainy image on my phone. It wasn’t to be. The mother was justifiably wary of my presence and stalking.

That’s when I headed home. Home. It has such a lovely ring to it. And that’s where I am, wherever HE is. Home.

I stripped down to shower, but he had woken some due to my presence.

HIM: Here.

And he lifted the blanket, inviting me in. How could I resist?

me: Okay. Only for a minute. I have to get ready for work.

He held me tight, commenting on how cold I was. And I told him about the deer. He won’t remember. I know we’ll talk more later.

This is my 500th post. 500. Time flies. I remember sending the very first post out into the web, wondering if anyone would ever read it, if anyone would ever find me. Thank you. Thank you for finding me and reading me. And really thank you for taking time to comment.

It somehow seems fitting that this is the last day of August. I have hit so many milestones in the last few months. With any luck, a lot of drive and determination, and some serious skill…I hope to achieve many more.

Goodbye, sweet summer. Until we meet again…

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Football finally…

Monday, August 30th, 2010

We’ve been gearing up for the season for so long. And finally, last night, we managed to get back in the swing of things.

For us that means having a group of people over to watch the game. There’s some talking and laughing and joking. We take frequent breaks. And mostly we simply hang out and enjoy each others company.

Saturday night, simply put, was PERFECT. And it had very little to do with my beloved Panthers winning, but everything to do with the company we kept.

Ed was there. A constant in the neighborhood and our lives. HIS step-sister came over. She works with her mother at the cake shop and though we haven’t hung out much, I really like her. (HE says we’re a lot alike. We both are very sweet, very nice, and a bit high strung. Hmmm.)

The biggest surprise of the night, however, was a new face around the house. Yes, John came to play. You may remember him as the guy I saw at Food Lion on St. Patrick’s Day. (It wasn’t that memorable, so you may not. Just wanted to give you something to tack this new face to.)

Anyway…we had fun. It was good. It was good because we need new people to play with. It was good because we need more good people around. It was good because he fit in well and laughed and joked with the rest of us.

And then when everyone was gone, we stayed up late and talked and listened to music. It was then that I realized some things that I may not have realized before. Or, maybe it was simply reassuring. I have a huge impact on HIM. What I say, what I think, it really matters.

Earlier in the day I had commented that I was concerned that one of his employees was entirely too comfortable. And I worried that as he hired on other help that the poison would spread, that HE would never have the respect he deserved because of it.

Apparently he spent the day testing the guy in question…because of me. And we see things differently, view the results differently, but what matters is that…I matter. And I love that.

So, we talked. And we had a wonderful time. We had a powerful talk. And we snuggled together and slept.

Morning came. Sometimes he’s cranky. This time, not even close. He woke up pleasant, friendly, fun.

Needless to say, Sunday was also magical. Even when I had my momentary break because of the ex, he laid by my side and loved me while I cried. He wrapped me in a magical hug. And he reminded me of all the good stuff. There’s plenty of good stuff.

We’re going to be leaving Friday for a long weekend. It’s overdue. We’re spending the time with my best friend and her families. Eight of us together for the first time ever. We have it all planned. Okay, we have the food planned. Everything else will take care of itself.

I’ll be working a four day week two weeks in a row, broken up by a four day weekend. I’m thinking that’s a guaranteed two weeks of happiness. And I’m going to start savoring it now. I’m spending some quality time with the kids I adore. I’m spending some quality time with the man I love.

I’ll be off the grid over the weekend. Just know that when I come back, I’ll be so full of stories that I’ll be dying to share. Oh, and expect pictures. You know me. I can’t help myself.

Happy Monday. May your week fly by and may your fun go on and on.

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All because of love…

Saturday, August 28th, 2010

I had a post planned for today about how this weekend was simply not going the way I intended. Since it’s only Saturday morning, it may be a tad premature.

And so when I received a message from Rachel promising to love me FOREVER if I would simply incorporate a video of a dancing dog on the blog….I had to go for it. What mother doesn’t want the undying love of her daughter, even if it does come with a price? And it is such a small price to pay.

(For the record, her video is longer. And it’s on my Facebook page. So, if we’re Facebook friends…check it out.)

Rachel, this is the best I could do. Love me anyway?

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A little something to get you ready for the weekend…

Friday, August 27th, 2010

This is the song that was playing in my head as I walked the other morning. It has a great beat, which made it perfect for the occasion. And now, it just seemed like the perfect song to get in the mood for the weekend.

I know. I know. You’re looking at this post and thinking that I’ve gotten lazy on you. Rest assured. That is not the case. It’s simply a case where everything I wanted to write about just didn’t work out. And so I need to take some time to recharge.

May this song do that for you. Recharge. Take a moment for yourselves. With any luck, I’ll have a spectacular post for you on Saturday. (And I’m feeling very lucky.)

PS. Our little project has a new site. Check it out…Carolina Home Enhancements.

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Happiness is having start of school traditions…

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

I’ve already shared with you some of our traditions. I’ve talked about the stress and strain of finding keys. I told you about the struggle to power through and attend two open houses in the blistering heat after working all day. I’ve mentioned the shopping. I didn’t dare tell about plucking Rachel’s eyebrows. (We plucked as long as we could. It’s break down and get the bad brows waxed time…)

Let me tell you about the best part of our start of school traditions. (Because I’m a sentimental fool…)

Every year, the night before school starts, I try to make it extra special for the kids. I like a nice dinner, so they can have sweet dreams on a nice full belly. I like a nice breakfast so they can head off to school with energy for lots of big important thoughts. I like measuring the changes because life is full of change and it should be recognized.

And so last night, after we ran around to pick up some last minute clothing necessities, we hit…Trade Joe’s! The kids were really excited. We had decided to make our Trader Joe night happen one night sooner…just because.

Our quest for the perfect meal started in the sushi section. We would need appetizers. So, we grabbed one package of California Rolls. And I have to tell you…I don’t know why they call them that. There’s no avocado. That’s part of what makes them perfect. Mostly it’s just imitation crab salad, wrapped in seaweed, then covered in rice, which is rolled in two colors of sesame seeds. Yum. We always need something to tide us over on the way home.

The sushi was in a horrible disarray when we arrived.

Rachel: *gasp* Mommy!

Such disrespect! So, I picked one up and cuddled it to my chest.

me: You’re safe now, little sushi. You’re coming with us!

And there was a man stocking food next to us. He laughed.

Stocker: Looks like a sushi rescue.

And it was. I’m currently keeping that sushi safe…on my thighs.

On to the frozen food section we went. We honed in immediately on what we planned to get, as if magnetically drawn there. We needed (yes, needed) chocolate croissants for breakfast. And we needed mushroom risotto. And we needed these filo triangles filled with mushrooms in some kind of wine sauce. And we needed the flat bread covered in mozzarella, wild mushrooms, and black truffles.

Then we headed to the check out. Once there, the kids made their happiest find: frosted animal cookies shaped like ocean creatures. Seriously. A box for each as their special after school snack.

For once, I seriously overestimated our ability to consume large quantities of food. We saved the flatbread for another day.

Our list of Trader Joe’s favorites continues to grow. (You’re seriously going to want an invite to our Christmas party.) And we had an amazing night together. More than anything else, that’s what counts. We started the evening in the right mind set.

And the next morning…

There were chocolate croissants. (Thank you, Rachel!) And we took pictures. And I measured them on the wall.

It’s amazing what a difference a year has made. My babies are growing up. And I’m treasuring each moment with them.

Wishing you all a smooth start to your school years!

Posted in Reflections | 7 Comments »

It’s starting to show…

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

Yup. The stress and strain of the impending school year is becoming evident. I knew it yesterday morning when I had to deal with an angry teen.

Rachel, determined to eek the last bit of joy out of the summer break, wanted to leave the house before 8am to visit friends around the corner, return around 10am, and do her chores then. Right. Sounds mostly reasonable.

Only…

me: Where’s your key?

Rachel: I don’t know.

me: You need to find it.

Rachel: I looked. I don’t know where it is.

Now…I’m trying to exude an air of calm, ride out those walk endorphins just a little while longer. And it was getting all the more challenging since she was standing over me, staring at me angrily, hoping to get the desired response. Somehow, I don’t think this is what she had in mind…

me: Stop staring at me and go.

She headed for the front door.

me: No. Go somewhere else. You need to find your key.

And she stomped off to her room.

I looked at HIM, working on his computer right next to us during the entire exchange. And I knew he was uncomfortable and thinking, like me, that this is no way to start a day. And I knew he was waiting for some sign.

me: Am I so wrong?

HIM: No. She’s sixteen. She should be able to keep track of a key. They both should.

Well, the fight continued and worsened. I overheard her talking to her father on the phone, telling him that I was being ‘pissy’ over the missing key. So, I opened the door to show her ‘pissy.’ And she looked confused as to why I would be upset. Seriously.

I glanced about her room. The room she swore she had searched. That room. Right. And it looked like it had been searched all right. By the police. Or maybe a robber. There were baskets of clothes and laundry everywhere. The bed wasn’t made. Clothes were scattered about the floor. All manner of garbage littered her shelves. And this is why we keep her door closed. If I saw it daily, more fights would ensue, I would be on blood pressure meds, and probably have to take to my bed…or the nearest fainting couch while I questioned the universe as to how I could have raised her to be such a stinking slob.

I went to work mad-ish. I was stressed for sure. I don’t like when Rachel and I fight. I don’t like starting my day angry.

She caved first. She called within an hour asking what she needed to make for dinner. And I saw it for the olive branch it was. We talked…careful to avoid the sensitive key subject.

She called back again about half an hour later.

Rachel: I found the key. Keenan had it. I let him borrow it. See, I didn’t lose it.

me: No, but you lent it and forgot it.

Rachel: So, it wasn’t my fault. It was Keenan’s.

me: I’m thinking it was both of your faults.

So, the tension is gone. The key is found. And she assures me her room is clean. And I’m too tired to question to who’s standard.

There’s still school shopping to be done tonight. And there’s dinner to be made. And there’s quality time to be had.

The transitioning must begin. No more summer mother. School is in session.

Posted in Reflections | 5 Comments »

Practically Pamplona…

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Yes, it’s the start of a new school year. And that means one thing. Where Pamplona has the running of the bulls, we have the walking of the schedule.

Right.

As if getting up early and walking my soon to be phat butt down Carmel Road wasn’t enough, I now have to complete Rachel’s schedule with her. Seriously. And after a full eight hours at the office, I’m mostly toast.

The only thing that spurred me on was that I remembered I was a loving and supportive mother…dammit. That was why I crammed about thirty things into the evening. There’s nothing like attending two open houses, picking up pet food, getting some brows done and feeding the family after working all day.

Well, it was a rough start from the inception. The kids came home later than anticipated from their weekend with the ex. Great.

And then I couldn’t find the pet food coupon. (Yes, I am now a coupon carrying kind of girl.) Luckily, we decided the pup’s food could wait a day. I changed my clothes and we were off.

We hit Bi-Lo first to get the cat food. We go through a lot of cat food. It was quick and painless, despite the fact that I was toting two kids around.

From there, to the mall so Rachel could get her eyebrows beaten back. Poor girl. Only…there would be a thirty minute wait for a five minute service. And I just didn’t have that kind of time since her open house was ending in…thirty minutes.

On to the school.

We arrived and expected to meet up with Ashley…only that never happened. Instead, we worked the schedule. We went from one building to the next, then on to another. I’m not entirely sure how many buildings are on the campus. What I am sure of is that Rachel didn’t have any two class back to back in the same building and we must have visited most of them.

Much like last year, it had to be 97 degrees. And I was fading fast. For some reason, I suspect that by the time Keenan is in high school, I’ll be sending him in a cab. Just kidding, kid! Mostly…

And we just kept walking and walking. And there were stairs involved. And suddenly, a thought occurred to me.

me: Rachel, we are just doing the first semester, right?

Rachel: No, Mommy.

me: We don’t need to do both semesters now!

I was ready to tell her I’d meet her in the car when she finally decided she’d had enough. So it was off to Keenan’s open house. And suddenly I was drawing a blank. I couldn’t remember which direction to turn to get to his school. (Much like the kids, all the unnecessary info falls out of my head over the summer.)

We found the school. It was a quick left then a right then a left into the parking lot. We parked in the already full lot. And we walked to the main entrance…where we were immediately foiled in our plan to gain a quick entry and retreat.

Yup. Locked up tight. And there was a sign that warned the doors would remain that way for another thirty minutes.

Puhleeze!

My calves were burning. My stomach was eating itself. My toes were tingling.

me: Maybe I’m stroking out.

No such luck.

Keenan found us an unlocked side door. We were in. Oh, and the best part? His homeroom was right there. We introduced ourselves, made some apologies that we couldn’t stay later, and headed back to the car.

No, I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I’m not busier or more important or anything like that. I’m just more determined to Damn the Man when I can, when I really need to. And I needed to.

We ordered food and headed to get a few more groceries before heading home. We made it back before 7pm…barely. We accomplished almost everything. Poor eyebrows. Maybe we’ll pluck them later. After all, tonight is something of a crap shoot. Bishop has a follow up appointment at the vet. Fingers crossed.

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Bailing with a thimble…

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

That’s what it feels like.

I dieted and lost three pounds from diet and exercise. At least that’s what the scale said Friday. And then over the weekend…I gained them back.

I’m hoping to chalk it up to water weight because right now…after yesterday’s meal… (Yes, one…ALL DAY.) I am feeling a tad swollen. Salt hates me.

And apparently chicken wings, mozzarella wedges, chicken tenders, and french fries are high in that content? Yeah. I know. Only…you make concessions when you’re with friends. And you can’t always dictate the meal when you are all eating together and splitting the bill down the middle, as opposed to getting individual meals.

Or maybe that’s just me. And I’m sure there’s a more graceful way to handle it…a way that I could have eaten healthier and still enjoyed the company of Lonnie and Lindsay and HIM, but I don’t feel like making a fuss or being difficult or announcing that I am…once again…dieting.

This is why I have developed my personality. It’s a must. It makes up for what I lack in the impressive body department.

On the other hand, while the scale is laughing at me, my body is getting tighter and firmer from the exercise. All is not lost.

That should have been my theme for the weekend. It was a tumultuous weekend, but it ended on a high and that’s all I ever need to maintain my happy. That was all I needed to set the tone for the entire week.

It’s going to be a busy one. I have the kids’ Open Houses at school tonight. Two different schools. Yay. And Bishop has to go back to the vet tomorrow. And we have to finish getting ready for school to start on Wednesday. I have an open house at work on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Needless to say, I should be toast on Friday.

The routines will good for the kids, but I have to give up on being a Summer Mother for another ten months. *sigh* And I have to make sure the summer reading projects are done. While Rachel is working diligently, the boy requires A LOT of supervision to complete…pretty much any task. Remember the pile patrol duties? Yup.

So, I’m off to walk my fat ass down Carmel Road again. It has become a joke between us. I like doing it. The endorphins are much needed. The exercise is much needed. The thinking time is much appreciated.

One more week to get into some shape. (Yes, round is a shape…but maybe if I shoot for true hourglass I’ll feel much better.) Then we start on a new family endeavor.

Ready?

Lonnie is teaching Tae Kwon Do. He’s a black belt, registered as a lethal weapon, that kind of thing. And he’s been teaching for a while, all over the city. As a friend, we are getting a discount and a group discount…since all four of us are going to take lessons together. Can you picture it? I know. Awwww.

The kids and I took lessons together years ago. We’re looking forward to getting back into it. And HE wants some formal training. HE has developed a strong fighting style, a product of his growing up a ginger in some tough neighborhoods. Now he wants some formal training. And it will be family bonding time. And it will be bonding with Lonnie and Lindsay, since she has decided to take lesson with us from her husband.

I CAN’T WAIT! SO, in lieu of belly dancing, which would have been fun and may still happen eventually, I am doing a family thing. And family things are good.

Happy Monday.

Posted in Reflections | 5 Comments »

Much better…

Sunday, August 22nd, 2010

Friday was rough. No denying. Between having a sick dog, a tense HIM, and a scoundrel of an ex…it is no wonder I was in a bit of a funk. I earned my funk. And I just couldn’t vent. Words hurt too much.

I peaked too soon, Friday. I had such high hopes for the lucky penny I had stooped to pick up. It seemed to be working. My second patient of the day brought us breakfast. A really good breakfast. A breakfast of ham, egg, and cheese bagel sandwiches and coffee from Bruegger’s.

Then it simply tanked from there.

By yesterday morning, when HE woke from a dream and punch/pushed me in the side and jarred me from bed, I was ready to give up on a good weekend. I even contemplated going back to bed and staying there until Monday. HE had a guy’s night planned, going to the Jets game with his boys. I was supposed to be entertaining Lindsay while they were gone.

Oh, and they were making a day of it, meeting up around 4pm for an 8pm game, probably returning home around midnight. When she canceled due to illness, I was mildly disappointed. I’ll admit it. And HE made a nearly genuine offer to cancel, his resolve strengthened by the knowledge that I would never take him up on it.

In all honesty, the thought never crossed my mind. I needed some down time, some alone time, a chance to get back to being me, just like Guy’s Night was for him. I needed to be alone in the house, do things that I wanted to do with no regard for anyone’s feelings but my own. I needed to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. I needed to talk on the phone with friends without anyone around to interrupt or overhear. I needed to watch what I wanted to watch on television without having a committee or a vote.

So after I dropped him off at the light rail station, I drove off and picked up sushi and soup. My favorite shrimp wonton soup from the frozen food section has changed. Yes, improved even. They added noodles. It was even better than normal. So good. A guilty pleasure.

And after that, I started a new series on demand. I watched four episodes of Covert Affairs while Ninja snuggled me. It was lovely.

Then I talked on the phone with Jennie for a while. I paced as I like to when I talk. It drove Bishop crazy. He finally gave up on following me on all fours and settled on his couch and followed me with his eyes instead. It was still mildly disconcerting, but very cute.

When that was done, I returned a missed call from Spring…that turned into a trip down the road to visit. We ended up watching some football. And we played videos from YouTube. And we sang and danced. When she announced she was tired, I left.

I felt good all night. It was a good night, punctuated with lots of texts from HIM. It was a relaxing night. It was just what I needed. Free time is good for the soul. It’s the one thing I was missing from living in the apartment.

Can I let you in on a secret? I didn’t miss him. Not during his guy time. I didn’t miss him one bit. I was ready for him to come home, so I could end my night in his arms. Other than that…I liked the break. We needed the break.

And it made me realize how big the trust is. He tells me all the time that he never worries about whether or not to trust me. He worries that I won’t trust him, that I am so damaged from the years with the ex that it has made it impossible for him to have any freedoms. The free night made me realize how much I trust him. I wasn’t afraid of what he would do left to his own devices. I wasn’t afraid of him not coming home. And that made the night a truly free night. I can breathe once more.

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