Suddenly Single Journey

A sense of accomplishment…

Author: thenicknick

The screen porch renovation is complete.  And I have to admit that it couldn’t have come at a better time.  Right now we need a sense of accomplishment, need to feel like we are making some sort of progress on our life.  (That’s right, life, not lives.  We’re in this together.)

When I first returned home from California, I was basking in all that I learned, all that I wanted to do to further my writing career.  And it is coming along, same as everything, in baby steps.  My job isn’t paying the bills.  My ex-husband isn’t paying his child-support.  And my current tenant is not paying me or the utilities.  Love it.

I could be stressed beyond belief.  I should be.  I should be worrying all the time, wondering what I’m going to do, needing a more immediate payoff than I’m currently on pace for.  Only, if I did that, life around these parts would only get worse.  I’m learning to control the things I can and let go of all the rest.  More baby steps.

One of the many things out of my control is HIM, his moods.  I love him.  I love him no matter what.  I love him when he’s hardest to love.  And I work to make sure that his moods don’t overly impact mine.  The other night was such a situation.

I rushed home from work to meet up with HIM and a friend to learn how to modify the new template for the website.  We’re doing EVERYTHING we can think of to get some business, make the phone ring.  It’s frustrating for HIM.  He wants to work, he needs to work.  WE need the work.

And so it’s super pretzel time, the time when I dig deep and work harder and longer to accomplish what I can.  We play to our strengths.  That’s why he worked on power washing the screen porch while I worked on the computer.  That’s why he worked on cleaning the cement while I worked on the computer.  That’s why he stained the cement and sealed the cement and moved the furniture back into the room…while I worked on the computer.

Sometimes I grow tired of the computer.  Some days my butt…make that my AMPLE butt…simply aches from being constantly planted in front of the computer.  Some days my eyes hurt from being in front of the computer.  Sometimes my tendonitis threatens to flare up from all the typing on the keyboard.  But I don’t complain.  Not to him.  How could I when he’s battling his own demons?

And when he seems most restless, I have learned to seek my own happiness to draw him out of the funk.  That’s what the other night was about.  Stress overwhelmed him and he needed some time.  I took Rachel to the grocery store.  We needed some things and that I could control.  Rachel needed some mom and me time.  That I could control.  And when we returned, I was happier…all because I’m learning to relinquish control.

HE was in his own world.  And I’ve learned to wait, to let him know I’m ready to listen, to be patient.  Eventually he opens up.  It isn’t that I don’t know what is bothering him, I always do.  I can always name it.  I know him that well.  I just needed the dialog to take place so we could work through his fears, his doubts, his concerns.

Money.  Ahhh, the root of all evil.  He worries about money.  I do, too.  So we talked.  And we tried to plan.  We tried to problem solve.  We tried to figure out a way to press on.  We sat out on our new screen porch as the night air finally cooled some.

HIM: Okay.

And with that we went inside.  He had signaled the end of the mope.  We had a game plan.  Time to live.

Inside, we sat in front of the television, our bodies touching, needing the closeness, the comfort.  And we watched shows that made us feel better about our life.  We watched Lockdown! because we knew we were better off than any of the women in that prison.  And we watched Locked Up Abroad, affirming that we were waaay better off than the guy who was sent to prison in Thailand for heroin trafficking, only to end up hooked on the stuff and HIV positive.  We watched a show about the slums of Dharvai, setting for Slumdog Millionaires.  We’re doing okay.

By then, we were smiling and laughing and joking.  A little Bollywood action will do that.  So, by the time we sat through a few episodes of Three Sheets, we were dreaming again.  Maybe we should move to St. Martin?  Look at that water!  Relaxing at a bar on the beach.  Too cool.

We broke down and went to bed later than I should have, but it’s what needed to happen.  We’re in this.  We’re growing together.  We’ll sink or swim together.  And I’m one heck of a paddler.

In the meantime…relaxing in our new favorite space: the screen porch.  It was yet another team project.  He builds it.  I make it pretty.  Ahhh.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 23rd, 2010 at 12:04 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.