Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

And the walls came tumbling down…

Friday, July 30th, 2010

Nothing about yesterday went as  I imagined it would.  So, if you’re thinking that I didn’t end up going to the blog meet up, you’d be right.  And my reasons were personal.

There was a lot going on with the kids.  And the ex.  And I had to do that rather than go out.

I don’t mind giving up things.  I really don’t.  Especially for such an important cause.  And I can’t think of a bigger more worthy cause than family.

Speaking of family…

HE was able to spend the bulk of the day with his.  His sister who lives in Texas came to visit with her son.  And so they all converged on his father.  I love that he was able to get in some quality time.  Yay!  He came home happy and exhausted in a good way.

I’m trying to be happy and exhausted, but mostly, and obviously, I am channeling concerned and overwhelmed.  It’s not a good look for me.  When I get that way I have a hard time moving forward.  I’m not just a planner…I’m also a dweller.

And right now I’m struggling to find my happy.  I’m not sure what it’s going to be.  What is it that will make me happy?  What will sway my mood?

Then I remember…

Yeah, my life has been as series of uphill battles.  Still,  I climb.  I keep moving.  *sigh* Better.  Getting better.

And while it is completely in my nature to want more, to have more for the family, I need to remember that we have all that we need.  We have shoes and clothes, a roof over our heads, and the man I love shares our bed.

Pressing on.  Moving forward.  Can’t stop.  Too much to accomplish.  At least now, I’m in the right mindset to do it.

Posted in Reflections | 4 Comments »

Happiness is meeting a Meet Up group…

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Well, this is is a special night for me.  I’m very excited.  Tonight I will be going to meet a group of Queen City Bloggers I found on Meet Up.

For those of you that are not familiar with the site, Meet Up is a place where you can find people with similar interests or similar goals.  I discovered it last fall when I was looking for ways to spend all my newly discovered free time.  Before then, I was spending all my time with HIM.  He was the center of my universe.  It wasn’t altogether healthy.

When I was single and living in the apartment, and the kids were with their father, I found that I wanted to try new things with this new time.  Meet Up was a good place for this.  There were groups for writing, singles groups, business groups…and most recently…I discovered the blogging group.

I’m not sure how all this will end up.  On the one hand, I’m looking forward to networking with some local bloggers.  The Yahoo! Summit left me longing for more contact with people of a like mind.  I miss having people who understand what I’m doing.

Mostly around these parts, HE supports my endeavors as I work on the computer.  He sees that my numbers consistently increase.  And as a a numbers guy…he asks the next logical question.

HIM: So when are you going to start making money from this thing?

I try to pretend that I don’t mind so much that I’m not making money.  I try to pretend that the big picture is bigger than any small paycheck I might currently merit.  I try to pretend that I’m right on track, that where I am is where I’m supposed to be.

And I feel that.  I really do.  I feel like the progress I’m making is preparing me.  I don’t want to be one of those people that blows up too fast and blows it.  I’m more like a believer in slow but steady wins the race.  Yeah, I’m racing.  I want to get there already…

Guess that’s why I have RSVPed to meet a group of strangers with a common goal.  Guess that’s why I’m leaving the comfort of my home after a long day of work and more work to drive to a place I’ve never been before.  Guess that’s why I’m packing my stuff…the laptop, the business cards, and heading out.

At the same time, I’m really hoping there are some BIG bloggers there.  The only way I’ll get better is by learning from those who have done more and know more than I do.  And I’m aching to learn more and do more.

Wish me well.  No doubt I’ll be writing about it tomorrow.

Posted in Happiness is... | 8 Comments »

Shutterfly giveaway!

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

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Sweet sweet Saturday…

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

This was my FAVORITE day of the entire weekend.  And for the most part, it was a really great weekend.  It was the only plan we had for the weekend: Travis’ First Birthday.

Rachel and I woke up early.  Keenan was off to the ex’s for the weekend.  And we had to get the house together before I could relax.  I taught Rachel how to vacuum…again.  She didn’t take me very seriously, as evidenced by the constant laughter.  And I taught her how to dust…again.  She didn’t take that very seriously either.  More laughter.  Wonder if she’ll take the allowance deduction seriously.  Probably.

Then it was off to Target with Rachel and HIM to get a present.  So I thought.  Instead, as soon as we entered the store, they teamed up against me, which they so often do.

HIM: I’ll get the present, you take your mom.

Rachel: Come on, Mommy!

me: Where are we going?

Rachel: No active wear, no juniors.

me: No juniors!  No active wear!  What will I wear?

Off to the women’s department which, by the way, is remarkably close to both the plus size and the maternity.  (I say this because I found this really cute fuchsia dress…meant to hide a bump I don’t have.  I just made the sign of the cross and backed slowly away.)

In the end, I found a few really cute dresses.  And Rachel and HIM waited outside the room as I tried on one dress after another.  I don’t waste time, so I would come out, do a quick spin, and then go back to try on the next.  They were having fun joking around together and talking about me from the other side of the door.

They are tough critics.

Rachel: That dress makes your butt look big.

HIM: Her butt is big.  It’s not the dress.

*chuckle chuckle*

Ultimately, HE insisted I get three dresses.  Who am I to argue when he wants to be so amazingly generous with me?

Class act that I am, I changed in the car.  The Chick-fil-A Drive Thru, to be precise.  And no one saw anything.  I am that good.

HIM: Oh, when did you change?

me: While sitting next to you, seconds ago…

And we drove to the party.  I was a little curious as to how Rachel would adjust.  She hadn’t really met any of HIS family.  After more than two years together, you may ask how that is even possible.  Simple.  I only have them one weekend a month and we don’t get together with his family that often.

I never should have worried.  This is Rachel we’re talking about.  By the end of the afternoon, she had offers to babysit and one potential adoption.  Since they didn’t want to take Rachel with a kitten, we declined.  Otherwise…

Just kidding!  As if I could survive without my kids.

Well, there were some funny moments.  I love HIS dad.  And we had fun joking around.  And Vicki sent a cake with a smash cake, and a ton of cupcakes in two flavors.  And there were tons of finger foods.  And you should be so very proud of me because I didn’t eat anything.  Nope.  Well, Rachel forced a bite of cake down me, but otherwise, nothing.

Then, when we left, we stopped on the way back home to grab a bite at T-Bonz.  I love that place.  It’s a restaurant/bar on the lake, literally, suspended on piers.  We wanted to eat outside, but the sky threatened to open up any moment, and while I don’t mind sitting in the rain, I don’t like wet food.

Dinner was good, just the three of us, a first.  And then we were home.  It was a night of relaxation and good conversations.  It was a night and a day that I treasured.  We are building a family, growing our bond.  And I have never been happier.

Posted in Reflections | 11 Comments »

Crazies and Craigslist?

Monday, July 26th, 2010

This is the kind of story that is bound to make you rethink using Craigslist altogether.  Shoot, my last few dating tales from Craigslist probably had the same result…the not-a-date, the elimidate.  And still, I felt those experiences merely empowered me and provided me the necessary fodder to compile into my first ebook.  (I do what I can with what I’ve got.)

So, we’ve been using Craigslist again with…more mixed results.  On the one hand, we quite easily sold the hot tub, which resulted in the money to remodel the room and still come out waaaaay in the black.  And now…we have used it once more to sell the pool.  I know, after all the trouble we went through to get the thing, and set it up, you would think that we’d have kept it longer, right?

Well, here’s the thing with pools.  Sometimes that particular pool is simply not the right fit.  Yeah.  Like a pool on a lumpy unlevel lawn, not good.  We watched as it threatened to collapse, leaning further each day for a long time.  We found we didn’t use it as much as we thought we would, given that it was too hot most of the time to even get in.  And we grew a bit bored with it.

Therefor, we sold the pool.  It took two ads to do it, but I did it.  Yup.  The first ad resulted in a woman who came over…later than promised, and told us she’d pick it up on Thursday.  Well, on Thursday she called with a tale of financial woe and had to pass on the pool.

No worries.  I stuck another ad on Craigslist.  If there is anything people want in Charlotte right now, where the heat index is at a sweltering 110 degrees, it’s a pool.  So, there was a man who called HIM before we left for the birthday party on Saturday.  The plan was that he would come over to see the pool upon our return that evening.

Only…we didn’t return until it was getting dark.  No showing until Sunday.  We didn’t actually speak to the man, but left him a message to that effect.  Once that task was completed, we stayed up late into the night talking and planning for the home show.  And we went to bed, fully expecting to be able to sleep in at least a little bit.

Right.

Of course, I didn’t expect Rachel to wake me and need me.  Completely understandable.  And we didn’t expect this guy to start calling at the late late hour of 8:30am.  ON A SUNDAY.  Well, HE was not impressed.  And then when Rachel and I prepared to leave for the grocery store, I found an email from the guy.

IT WAS WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN CAPS.

We all know that is the equivalent of yelling.  And since I had heard the phone ring at least twice more in the bedroom, I decided to call him and try to put him off for a bit.  I was nice and polite, mostly explaining that HE would call once he had finished getting ready for the day.  Pretty non-specific, but it did let him know he wasn’t forgotten or being ignored.  I thought.

So you can imagine my surprise when the guy called my phone while we were in the store.  I didn’t answer.  I didn’t want to be involved in any haggling.  It wasn’t my place.  It wasn’t my plan.

I returned home and checked my email again.  This time the guy had left a really nasty email.  He claimed to be an upper middle class home owner who would never use our company since we had ignored him and were so rude.  Ummm, seriously?  It’s been less than an hour.  This guy needed to chillax.

HE was up and showering.  We spoke about the situation.  He was less than impressed that the man was so…aggressive.

HIM: I don’t even want to sell it to him now.  He shouldn’t be emailing like that or blowing up our phones.  What should we do?

me: Clearly he’s a special kind of crazy.  We can’t afford to anger him.  God only knows what kind of lies he could spread online to devastate us.  Call him.  Explain.

And so while I was working on bacon, HE called him.

HIM: Seriously man, the way you’ve been acting, I don’t feel comfortable having you come to my house.  You’ve been emailing and calling my fiancee.  You’ve been calling me non-stop.  And we have kids.

Now you know what I heard, right, as I floated around the kitchen, completely high on life.  We’re a family.  We’re really a family.  Ahhhh.

Oh, and about that pool…

There were two more calls to my phone, so HE answered.  There was a crazy trying to convince HIM that he was perfectly normal and harmless.  There was indecision and second thoughts.  There was a super public pool drop organized, since there would be no home visit.  And we struggled to load the heavy bulky smelling thing alone, since despite his assurances that he was harmless, his pronouncement that he was also a big strapping guy cinched our decision to keep him at bay.  I would have chosen San Francisco Bay, or maybe the Bay of Pigs.  Too far?

Then HE went off alone.  And he didn’t call and he didn’t call and he didn’t call.  The crazy had called his fiancee more than he had!

So, like the concerned almost wife I am, I called him.

me: Did you deliver the package?

HIM: Yeah.  It’s done.

We’ve since had three more calls, which we have diligently answered.  No sense in poking the bear.  But after this, Craig and I are going to have to take a breather.  And the crazy is not going to be our new BFF.  I hope to take a breather from him, too.

Posted in Reflections | 3 Comments »

More pressing issues…

Sunday, July 25th, 2010

I was going to tell you all about Saturday, since it was  such a great day, but there are more pressing issues right now.  Rachel is suddenly single.

Justin broke up with her.

And while she didn’t see it coming, we did.  He did that distant thing.  And he was horrible at staying in contact, falling off the grid, and he mostly had her on this constant roller coaster the last few weeks.

The result was that it made it very difficult for me to give unbiased opinions and be nice when I saw him Friday night.  (She’s mah baby!)  And it had HIM getting into over-protective-almost-step-father mode.

HIM: Do you want me to beat him up?  I’ll do it!

We wouldn’t allow him to go through with it, of course, but that he cared enough to offer was really sweet.  It just shows how far he’s come. And it also demonstrates what I always knew, that he’s super protective of those he loves.

Well, this morning, in my half-sleep, I heard Rachel walk out of her room calling for me.  Even before she called me on the phone seconds later, I knew.

Rachel: Mom, I’m sorry for waking you up, but I just thought you should know…Justin broke up with me.

me: I’ll be out soon.

I told HIM what was going on.  He had a few choice words about the situation, mumbled angrily in his half-sleep.  And I threw on a bathrobe, collected Bishop, and wandered out to the kitchen.

We had tea and talked.  Okay.  I had tea.  She talked.

We came to a few conclusions:

• It was good that they broke up over the summer so she would have a chance to recover before actually seeing him again.
• It was good that she wasn’t going to be tied down right now and she could do more of what she wanted, rather than constantly making herself available on the off chance Justin would actually follow through with their plans.
• She now had a chance to make the rest of the summer completely rock.

I’m so proud of my beautiful, caring, intelligent girl.

We played with Ninja and Bishop.  (Bishop LOVES his kitten.)  And we changed her Facebook status, which I predicted would result in a wall of date requests.  (And I’m not so far off.  It’s 8:30am on a Sunday and her phone is vibrating CONSTANTLY.)  Oh, and she sent out a mass text, sharing the news.

The general consensus is that Justin is a douche.  Teens say the darndest things.

(Yes, I did ask her permission about writing this.  I would never share such intimate details if I wasn’t allowed to.)

This is how great Rachel is.  Instead of the usual binge, we’re going to be selective.  Donuts.  And I’ll make a big breakfast.  And we’ll probably pick a chick flick.  And who knows what else.

She already had a sleepover planned.  She’s already laughing and smiling.  I know it will be a rough day, but he’s given her a lot of time to get used to being without him.  She’s resilient…another quality that I like to think I may have imparted.

Have a nice day.  I need to spend some quality time with my Rachel.  You understand.

Posted in Reflections | 10 Comments »

I’m ready to Shine!

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

One of the most important changes I wanted to make after my return from California and Yahoo! was to begin writing for Shine.  After the close of the Silicon Valley Moms Blogs, which includes Deep South Moms, I was feeling at a loss.  I needed a new direction to take my writing.  And thanks to Yahoo!, I seem to have found it.

They encouraged us to write for Shine.  My jaw dropped, I’m sure.  Shine?  Really?  And who doesn’t know Shine.  It’s one of the biggest pages on Yahoo!.  It gets a ridiculous amount of traffic.  To top it off, many times Shine pieces are featured on the front page.  FRONT PAGE on Yahoo!!  What can I say?

So, yes, I’m ready to Shine.  In fact, I wrote my first article and submitted it.  Now I need to work on my profile there.  I thought getting going with the writing was waaaay more important.  And look at me…less than a week since my return and I’ve already set myself up with Shine, started my Flickr account, and started working on the changes I want to implement on this site.  (Eventually, my blog roll will include all the blogs from all the amazing women who have the good fortune of being part of the Yahoo! Mother Board.  I just have to do a few a day.  It’s time consuming.)

Last night, I was determined to get that article written, only I was tired and I stared at the computer and didn’t want to work at all.  I had my post for Friday done and I had started with the new blog roll and I was pretty much toast.  If I sit around the house too long I start to feel antsy.  Something had to be done.  And so I turned to my partner in crime…Rachel.

We hopped in the car and headed out.  She wanted to know where we were going.  And I knew.  It was time for my thinking spot.

Rachel: Mom, I don’t think you should go swing in that skirt.  It’s too short.

Now, technically, it was a skort.  No one was going to be seeing my business or my underwear.  Of that I was certain.  That was my first thought.  My second was, if it isn’t the pot calling the kettle black!

Still, we landed on my favorite playground.  We parked and began swinging.  I chose to go against the norm, same as always.  Everyone else was swinging facing in toward the playground, but I was there to think, to relax, to clear the muck from my mind so I could move on.  And that wasn’t going to happen watching a bunch of kids running around while whooping like banshees.  Instead, I turned and faced the trees, the nature that I embrace in moderation.  Ahhh.

And soon I was texting HIM.  I knew he wondered where I was, if I was mad at him, if I was running away.  Not this time.  Hopefully, never again.  We have come to a lot of understandings in the recent weeks.  Good ones.  So I was texting and swinging.

Rachel: Mom, are you sure that’s safe?

And that’s when I nearly fell off backwards.

me: Apparently not.

So I stopped what I was doing to focus on what I needed to do.  Release.  Relax.  And then the freedom and the floating and the fresh air took hold.  The words began to flow freely in my head.  It was time to go back to the computer.

The article just came to me, just like I hoped.  And so, here’s a link to my first effort.  Let me know what you think.

Five Secrets to Surviving Suddenly Singleness

Posted in Reflections | 12 Comments »

A sense of accomplishment…

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

The screen porch renovation is complete.  And I have to admit that it couldn’t have come at a better time.  Right now we need a sense of accomplishment, need to feel like we are making some sort of progress on our life.  (That’s right, life, not lives.  We’re in this together.)

When I first returned home from California, I was basking in all that I learned, all that I wanted to do to further my writing career.  And it is coming along, same as everything, in baby steps.  My job isn’t paying the bills.  My ex-husband isn’t paying his child-support.  And my current tenant is not paying me or the utilities.  Love it.

I could be stressed beyond belief.  I should be.  I should be worrying all the time, wondering what I’m going to do, needing a more immediate payoff than I’m currently on pace for.  Only, if I did that, life around these parts would only get worse.  I’m learning to control the things I can and let go of all the rest.  More baby steps.

One of the many things out of my control is HIM, his moods.  I love him.  I love him no matter what.  I love him when he’s hardest to love.  And I work to make sure that his moods don’t overly impact mine.  The other night was such a situation.

I rushed home from work to meet up with HIM and a friend to learn how to modify the new template for the website.  We’re doing EVERYTHING we can think of to get some business, make the phone ring.  It’s frustrating for HIM.  He wants to work, he needs to work.  WE need the work.

And so it’s super pretzel time, the time when I dig deep and work harder and longer to accomplish what I can.  We play to our strengths.  That’s why he worked on power washing the screen porch while I worked on the computer.  That’s why he worked on cleaning the cement while I worked on the computer.  That’s why he stained the cement and sealed the cement and moved the furniture back into the room…while I worked on the computer.

Sometimes I grow tired of the computer.  Some days my butt…make that my AMPLE butt…simply aches from being constantly planted in front of the computer.  Some days my eyes hurt from being in front of the computer.  Sometimes my tendonitis threatens to flare up from all the typing on the keyboard.  But I don’t complain.  Not to him.  How could I when he’s battling his own demons?

And when he seems most restless, I have learned to seek my own happiness to draw him out of the funk.  That’s what the other night was about.  Stress overwhelmed him and he needed some time.  I took Rachel to the grocery store.  We needed some things and that I could control.  Rachel needed some mom and me time.  That I could control.  And when we returned, I was happier…all because I’m learning to relinquish control.

HE was in his own world.  And I’ve learned to wait, to let him know I’m ready to listen, to be patient.  Eventually he opens up.  It isn’t that I don’t know what is bothering him, I always do.  I can always name it.  I know him that well.  I just needed the dialog to take place so we could work through his fears, his doubts, his concerns.

Money.  Ahhh, the root of all evil.  He worries about money.  I do, too.  So we talked.  And we tried to plan.  We tried to problem solve.  We tried to figure out a way to press on.  We sat out on our new screen porch as the night air finally cooled some.

HIM: Okay.

And with that we went inside.  He had signaled the end of the mope.  We had a game plan.  Time to live.

Inside, we sat in front of the television, our bodies touching, needing the closeness, the comfort.  And we watched shows that made us feel better about our life.  We watched Lockdown! because we knew we were better off than any of the women in that prison.  And we watched Locked Up Abroad, affirming that we were waaay better off than the guy who was sent to prison in Thailand for heroin trafficking, only to end up hooked on the stuff and HIV positive.  We watched a show about the slums of Dharvai, setting for Slumdog Millionaires.  We’re doing okay.

By then, we were smiling and laughing and joking.  A little Bollywood action will do that.  So, by the time we sat through a few episodes of Three Sheets, we were dreaming again.  Maybe we should move to St. Martin?  Look at that water!  Relaxing at a bar on the beach.  Too cool.

We broke down and went to bed later than I should have, but it’s what needed to happen.  We’re in this.  We’re growing together.  We’ll sink or swim together.  And I’m one heck of a paddler.

In the meantime…relaxing in our new favorite space: the screen porch.  It was yet another team project.  He builds it.  I make it pretty.  Ahhh.

Posted in Reflections | 7 Comments »

Happiness is a Yahoo! Mother Board Dinner at Nola’s…

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

When the buses pulled up in front of Nola’s, I knew I was in for a treat.  I like a place that isn’t guilty of false advertising.  In the wall over one of the windows was a sign that said: Booze.

Oh, and the booze was FLOWING.  It was amazing.  I knew we were going to have a great time there.  No, not because of the seemingly limitless supply of alcohol, but because of the atmosphere and the company.

Nola’s is a Cajun restaurant, modeled after New Orleans.  All the napkins are decorated with beads.  Yes, THOSE beads.  And if that wasn’t enough, they were going around passing out tons of beads.  I came home with so many beads, by the way, that it caused him to remark upon my return…

HIM: So, what did you have to do to get all those beads?

me: Mwah ha ha!

Seriously?  I stood there and had them thrown around my neck.  Easy peasy.

Well, we had the entire top floor of the restaurant.  And it was really cool because there was this central open courtyard area that we looked down on and could see everyone there.  On our floor, we spent forever simply mingling.

It was so nice to have an opportunity to talk with everyone, to wind down from such an amazing day, to get one last chance to build a bond with some seriously cool and inspiring chicks.  I can’t imagine a better meal.

There were appetizers laid out.  I didn’t touch any.  I was still full from the other food I’d been eating all day.  And because I don’t do a lot of Cajun dining, all I can say is that it looked really good, even if I didn’t recognize it all.

What I did recognize was the alcohol.  There were Mojitos and Hurricanes galore.  In fact, they kept bringing us pitchers of the Hurricanes.  Yay!  And they had to be the strongest Hurricanes I have ever had the pleasure of tasting.

There was a buffet for dinner consisting of Caesar salad, some Cajun pasta, Cajun fried chicken, flank steak, and some kind of Cajun rice.  I know I’m forgetting something.  Just trust me when I say there was plenty of food choices.  And…despite the fact that I really was not hungry, I did manage to choke down some food.  I’m such a trooper.

The best part, however, was the conversation, the mingling.  I had a great time talking to everyone.  And it was nice to be somewhere that everyone else was as into taking pictures as I was.  And it was funny that I knew all these pictures had the same purpose.  They would be shared on Flickr and imported into blogs all over the country.

After dinner, and the dessert that I skipped, we made our way to the shuttle stop.  It was full and it seemed like I was going to have to wait for an hour with Lisa and MJ before getting back to the hotel.  It was 8pm by then and I had to be up at 4am to get ready for the flight back.  I would really only be able to hang out for another couple of hours and I didn’t want to waste a minute of it.

Luckily, Sheila came to the rescue.  She drove us back to the hotel.  Some of the ladies were getting together for Karaoke at a Korean bar.  I didn’t see me doing that for sooo many reasons.  I can sing, but I’m shy.  (I’m the reigning champ on our American Idol video game at home.  And we know how accurate that is…  Video Simon Cowell is just as brutal as the real one.)

We were given a tour of Palo Alto on the way back.  Sheila drove us by the office where Facebook began.  That’s right.  And she showed us some faulous houses.  I only managed to get one blurry picture as we were driving by.  Sorry.  But trust me, nice houses.

And it was there in the car on the way back that Lisa made the funniest comment out of nowhere.  She had been playing with her long dark locks all day, reveling in how smooth they were, frizz-less, nothing like back home.  Like so many of the women at the conference, she had attributed this to the magic of the Four Seasons hair dryer.  And she had sent a tweet and purchased one, like so many others.

Lisa: Oh my God!  I just spent $40 on a hair dryer.  And it isn’t the dryer, it’s the lack of humidity.  Great!

We all laughed.  Still, I did try the dryer the next morning before leaving.  It seemed faster, even if I knew the results wouldn’t last the minute I reached Charlotte.  Oh, but to dream…

The rest of the evening was a blur.  I spoke to the kids.  I spoke to HIM.  I hung out with Lisa and MJ.  We had an impromptu Passion Party in Kim’s room.  We went to a pool party where wine flowed.  There was much laughter.  It was precisely what I needed.

Then it was over.  Only, it’s not.  I’m still in touch with Lisa.  I’ve officially followed all the moms on Twitter, and all the Yahoo! people we worked with.  And I feel different.  I’m focused.  (I try at it more often than I succeed.)  I’m determined.  I have a plan.  I’m moving forward.

Watch me go…

Posted in Happiness is..., Yahoo! Mother Board | 7 Comments »