Suddenly Single Journey

I’m feeling introspective…

Author: thenicknick

There’s all these quotes I could pull in here, but these are two of my favorites.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

–Socrates

and

If we do not study history, we are doomed to repeat it.

–Winston Churchill

And so I’ve been doing a lot of thinking because I’m dating and I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past because…oh great, another quote.  Sorry!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

–Albert Einstein

See, this is what happens when I get all introspective.  (At least I’m quoting some greats, huh?  I managed a politician, philosopher, and genius.  Not bad.)

Well, I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes.  And I want a better outcome.  And I noted to Kimberly the other day when the new guy had fallen off the grid that maybe he was tired of me, that I seem to be great at attracting guys, but not necessarily at keeping them.  And if my approach to a relationship with the new guy wasn’t working, then I was really at a loss.

I mean, I let him take the lead with phone calls, and most of the time with texting.  There’s no smothering here.  This fire has plenty of room to breathe.  So, if that wasn’t working, then I was afraid that we had suffered from a flare up, a quick hot burn that was then fizzling out.

And Kimberly, in true form…that in your face love…did her version of talking sense to me.

Kimberly: Are you listening to yourself?

me: Um, yeah.

And then she essentially told me I’m crazy, that the new guy wasn’t like…the last guy…and that the way he treated me was a sure indication that he wasn’t done with me yet.  Then she had to go.  I like how she shuts me down when I would potentially wallow.  Yay, Kimberly!

Thus began my thinking.  (Not wallowing.)  And I started thinking about how the last guy accused me of being submissive in relationships.  And that, naturally, made me find a movie correlation, since that is just how my brain functions.  Constantly, I find some pop culture connection.  (Too much of the Gilmore Girls?  Nah!)

The Runaway Bride came to mind IMMEDIATELY.  I started thinking about how Richard Gere’s character asked every one of Julia Robert’s former fiancees how she had her eggs.  He discovered that she ate them however the guy she was with ate them.  And I liked how she thought about it and had to figure out how she liked her eggs.  In every relationship she bowed to the men, lost herself in them, melded to their tastes and their ways.

Sure, I had done that to an extent with the last guy, but let’s face it.  Who wants to cook two meals?  Isn’t it easier to compromise?  And though it is, I will never compromise to that extent again.  Rachel has questioned if we will ever eat tacos even in the distant future.  And I still haven’t touched chicken wings…or made homemade fries.  Yup.  I’ve had my fill.

So, how do I like my eggs?  In truth, I do like my eggs lots of different ways.  I ate them over easy with the ex-husband.  I eat them cheesy scrambled with the kids.  I ate them as egg pancake with the last guy.  And I’ve made them into egg sandwiches with the new guy.  Know how I like them best?  I like them served as Hole in Ones.  I love them as Eggs Benedict, under a healthy amount of Hollandaise.  Yum.

Sometimes, it’s good to compromise.  It’s more important, however, not to lose sight of who you are.  And I think that’s why I’m so happy.  To prove how happy and well-adjusted I am…I listened to the mix CD today on the way to work and rocked out without being the least bit nostalgic or sad or sick or anything.  It was the CD the last guy and I made of all the really special songs for our beach trip.  I never used to be able to listen to it when we weren’t together.  It hurt too much.

And a lot of the songs on it were the songs that played at Carmella’s the day of the sledding that bothered me so.  They don’t seem to bother me anymore.  I could belt out with Kenney Chesney that I’d sit right here and have another beer in Mexico, remembering fondly our day in Cozumel with nary a tear.  And I sang with Sara Bareilles, making it through that line about leaving the light on without sniffling over the night he left all the lights on in case I needed him.

It’s nice to be finally in a place where I can look back on all the happy memories and enjoy them as simply that…memories, without wanting to be with him anymore.  It’s healthy.  It makes me feel whole.  And to think I had wondered if I would ever recover from this.  Clearly, I have.  And I’m stronger and better for it.

Getting to this place has taken time.  Having so much good going on my life has helped.  Having goals and hopes and dreams has helped.  The new guy has helped.  And finding myself has really helped.

Quick Karma:

• approach life as if it were a banquet
  

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 9th, 2010 at 5:20 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.