Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Housekeeping…

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

Let me begin by congratulating Karen on winning my first giveaway.  She will be enjoying a lip gloss from Bare Escentuals.  (Okay, we will be enjoying lip gloss, since they are being so generous with me, too.)  Rest assured, there will be more giveaways.  I can feel it.  (I will pursue it.  Who doesn’t love free stuff?)

And a quick update on the move…

The kids are with their father this weekend, which prompted HIM to note…

HIM: Why is it the kids are always with their father when we move you?

Technically, they weren’t the last two times, but eh no big deal.

Oh, and the carpet still has not been stretched.  I had words with the craptastic disappointment who was supposed to stretch it.  Then HE had words with the craptastic disappointment who was supposed to stretch it.  And that discussion was followed with more empty promises, whereby the carpet was supposed to stretched last night.

Yeah.  And I did mention no carpet, right?  So, we finally received a text that sent our night into a tailspin.  He would stretch it at 7am.  Today.  Only.  He hasn’t.  HE was furious.  HE couldn’t think about anything else but the situation.

Needless to say, what had begun as a very promising evening with a lot of moving taking place, some playfulness, some banter, and some promises of christening the place…fell through.  We’re still good.  I just hate seeing him so disappointed and angry.  Me, I’m used to this craptastic disappointment being both craptastic and disappointing…often at the same time.  So, while I was discouraged that he didn’t come through…I was not altogether shocked.

Now we’re scurrying to have all of our bases covered.  I need to be out and have the apartment clean by 3pm…which probably makes you wonder why I’m even taking the time to post today.  Me too.  Only, I don’t want to disappoint anyone.  God forbid that I should be called a craptastic disappointment.

The way I look at it…life is filled with challenges.  They can be worried over or you can simply put on your big girl panties, wear your game face, and meet them head on.  I’m a head on kind of girl.  So, life…bring it!  I’m ready.  We talked about it last night…

HIM: It feels like a direct slight.

me: It probably is.  Look at us.  Look at you.  You are younger than he is.  You have a house, you have a better job, a really big life.  This is passive aggressive behavior at its finest.  He can’t go after you directly, so this is the next best route.

And I smiled at him then.  I walked over to him laying in the lounge chair and sat beside him.  He stared up at me, his mind a hundred different places.

me: I’m choosing to be happy.  We’ll find someone to do the carpet.  It may not happen as quickly as we like.  The move may not go as smoothly as we hoped.  It may be a little crowded and cluttered for a bit, but we’ll be fine.  Everything will work out.  It always does.  And I’m not going to let him ruin the night by being upset about it.  It’s like letting him win.

And we were fine.  We had a drink, toasting our new life.  We went to bed early in anticipation of the challenges of the day.  And I have to tell you, as I drifted off to sleep, sandwiched in between HIM and Bishop, I couldn’t imagine being happier, more relaxed, or anywhere else I would rather be.

Quick Karma:

• accept irritations and frustrations with either humor or serenity
  

Posted in Reflections | 9 Comments »

To The Bubble!

Friday, February 26th, 2010

When I first started writing this post, I thought it was going to be a story about why I love The Bubble so much and end with me lamenting my eagerness to return.  And as it turns out, I was partially right.  I’m eager to return.  I’m going to tell you all about The Bubble.  And…I’ll be there for good as of this weekend!

Yup.  The call came in late yesterday evening.  I am sub-leasing the apartment…fingers crossed…pending a credit approval today at noon.  So, it could implode on me, but I don’t think so.  I’m leaping!

Now…about The Bubble…

The Bubble is the name we gave our subdivision.  See, we live on the other side of a bridge, a dead end.  If the bridge suddenly goes out, we can only exit on foot.  (And the only reason I would put forth that much effort would be if I ran out of food…)  On top of that, we seem to miss storms that surround us, hence the idea that we live in some strange bubble protected existence.

Ahhh.  That’s not all, though.  And I’m not sure if I can do justice to the kind of wonderful place I live.  You may recall that I moved there first.  I lived there nearly a year before HE ever moved in .  I was busy turning the house into a home, remodeling various rooms, and really enjoying it…except maybe for that bathroom.

Rachel would return with tales of the neighborhood.  She knew every adult, child, and pet.  She had even named the stray cat that lived in our sewer.  It sounded strange and wonderful.  Then came the night that changed everything.

Rachel: Mom, can you slice up some watermelon and come out to meet the neighbors?

me: After I load the dishwasher.

And so I walked out the front door with a sliced watermelon.  Remember that scene from the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy first opens the door and moves from black and white to color?  Or maybe in Pleasantville where everyone who has a new experience turns from black and white to color?  Well, it was like that.

I walked down the street, unsure of what to expect.  I was greeted like a trusted friend and confidant.  And we all bonded immediately.  See, our road is a cul-de-sac.  And the kids were riding bikes, and skateboards, and scooters, and go carts.  And the adults were standing around talking, drinking beer, drinking a glass, of wine, just socializing and laughing and smiling.

Suddenly, I wanted to be a part of that life.  And I embraced it whole-heartedly.  That’s probably why even when I was living in the apartment, I was still considered the social director and placed in charge of neighborhood events.  Through the years, I have organized block parties, Fourth of July parties, impromptu Friday night cook outs, a New Year’s Eve Party, a neighborhood yard sale, and countless other experiences any number of us have enjoyed.

We are a fun loving bunch.  Who wouldn’t want to live in a place where Friday night cookouts have become the norm?  It all began one evening when Ed and I were talking about how we couldn’t face cooking.  We pondered ordering pizza, but decided instead to take note of our assets.  Yup, I had some chicken, he had a steak.  I made a salad and corn bread.  And I forget what else we pulled together.  Next thing you know, we have a three family smorgasbord going and others are stopping by.  It was perfect.

I love how we all rally around each other when the need arises.  It doesn’t seem to matter what the need, we simply pitch in.  It could be babysitting, or lawn care, or that cup of sugar.  It could be a shoulder to cry on an ear to bend or a strong back.  We’re truly there for each other.  Not unlike the Amish barn raising, we patch each others’ roofs, dig deep to repair broken pipes, rescue kids from vacuums, and provide hair coloring, manicure and pedicure services.

Last weekend was my first weekend back in The Bubble.  We walked out into the garage in the morning.  It was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining.  The sky was a gorgeous Carolina blue.  And I watched as the neighbors talked, shouting to each other across the street.

That’s the kind of place I want to live, a place where people wave, and stop to talk, and look out for each other.  That’s the place I will be living from now on…starting tonight.  It’s been a long, challenging road.  There’ve  been more than few speed bumps and pot holes.  We’ve weathered our share of storms.  So, it’s so nice to be back where I belong with the people I love.

Posted in Reflections | 7 Comments »

Just once…

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

I’m constantly moving.  Constantly on the go.  Constantly working.  Sometimes I struggle to remember the times that I just quiet down.  I struggle to remember the times when I let my mind rest, when I am completely at ease.  It only takes me a moment, then I remember…it’s when I’m with him.  I’ve written before about his magic hugs.  And they are magical.  When he holds me, I feel everything else melt away.  When I sleep beside him, constantly reminded of his presence, even my jaw releases.  Ahhh.

So, I guess it’s a good thing we’re going to be living together…again…starting…tomorrow.  Yup.  You read it right.  I’m moving.  Again.

And just once, I wish I had more notice.  Just once!

See, I confided in Craig that I needed someone to take over my lease.  And while I have had no response that way, in seeing who needs housing through Craig, my luck has been drastically different.  Yes, I have a renter…or, a family of renters.  Mom, Dad, two daughters.  Yay!

Only…they need to move in over the weekend.  And so, the move I had been doing, the one where I was packing and unloading a car full of boxes every morning, followed by another two trips after work in the evening, has been put on steroids.  See, I could only scrounge up about six boxes.  So, I’d fill them, get them to their destination, and unpack them.  I’d bring them back.  Lather, rinse, repeat…you get the idea.  And if you have time, it’s an excellent way to move.  It’s neat.  It’s organized.  There’s no overwhelming stack of boxes that you have to sort through.  Nope.  Six at a time.  Good number.

Except now, I have two days.  Oh, and the carpet isn’t stretched yet…so, no kids’ rooms.  There are, however, empty promises that it will be done tonight.  We shall see.  If not, we shall see if I can restrain my wrath and somehow restrain myself from putting the cause of my rage on a slab.  Chances are, I’ll be too tired to kill him.  I’ll probably just give him a tongue lashing.  And since I can cause significant damage using just my words (guilt is a many splendored thing) He’ll simply wish he was dead and suffer all the more.  Mwah ha ha!  (No, not HIM.  He has been AMAZING!)

Still only have six boxes.  Thus I have reverted to some of the lamest packing EVER.  Maybe ever ever.  Yup.  I pulled out the plastic grocery bags.  It started when I packed my pantry.  And then I just kind of thought…oh, what the hell. And so I packed some sheets and towels, some spare toiletries.  I am a packing machine.  I have emptied out way more than I thought I would.

The good thing is that when the packing boxes are limited…and you begin to realize there is a distinct possibility that you may have to make forty-three HUNDRED trips back and forth to the car…suddenly, you realize that you really don’t need all that CRAP!  So, I have garbage piles nearly as large as my pack piles.  And I feel great.  So much lighter.  Oh, and that’s what he said to me tonight.

HIM: Wow.  You look thinner.

And I smiled because I thought he was teasing me.  Then I caught him peeking at my butt as I turned around.

me: So, you like these jeans, huh?

HIM: Yeah, but I like the shirt more.  Your boobs look great in it.

Didn’t I tell you he had a  way with words?

We’re working together to make this happen.  And though we didn’t expect it to happen so quickly, he took the news rather well.  He covered his face and sighed.

me: It’s okay.  We can do this.

HIM: I know what it’s going to take, Nicki.  I’ve moved you before.

me: I know.  It’ll work out.  You know I’ve got this.

He smiled at me.

HIM: I know.  You’re a planner.  You can make it happen.

Just before I left, he caught me staring at him.  And I was smiling and giggling as he held me.

HIM: What’s up?

me: I was just thinking there’s a distinct possibility this is the last time I will be this happy or pleasant for days.

HIM:  I know.  Me, too.

Well, at least we know what to expect.  I’m happy and excited.  And that’s what I’m trying to hold onto.  I’m used to my life changing drastically and unexpectedly.  I mean, two weeks ago, we weren’t even really speaking.  Now we’re engaged and living together…again.  There is, however, one thing that has never changed in the two years I’ve known him…my feelings for him.

Quick Karma:

• have a love story that is still being written

Posted in Just Venting | 6 Comments »

One giant leap…

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

So, I’m taking a lot of big steps right now.  And I’m hoping that if I leap, the net will appear.  This is all so scary and exciting.

I mean, I’m newly divorced and yet I’m diving right back in.  It doesn’t matter that it’s the man I’ve loved almost as long as I’ve known him.  It doesn’t matter that we have a connection that I’ve never experienced before.  It doesn’t matter that when we’re together everything feels right.

I’m getting married.  Again.  And I think about some posts I’ve read from other bloggers who are working on their second marriage.  If I can’t make it work with him, then I truly am a failure.  I truly am the problem.  And there may be no solution except to be alone…forever.  Who wants that?

So, you’d think I’d be in a place where I’m overcompensating with Sam…again…right?  Only, I’m not.  The weekend was a prime example.  We came together Friday night after I did what I needed to do…grocery shopping, dropping Rachel at her sleepover, packing…and I sent him a text telling him when I’d be over instead of worrying over when he’d contact me.  Seems silly, but it made a huge difference.  And I no longer feel the need to be constantly around him.  We have forever.  So, we can be in the same house, doing our own thing, with no issues.  But quite possibly the biggest step was Sunday morning.  I was making breakfast and he pulled out the vacuum.  In the past, I would have argued that I would do it.  Instead, I let him do it.  He even commented.

HIM: I’m shocked.  I thought you would’ve said something when I started vacuuming.

me: Nope.  I’m learning.  If you want to vacuum, vacuum.  I’m not going to take it as a personal assault.  There’s plenty of other stuff I’m doing.

Guess we’re very successfully working through some of our issues.  It feels great.  That’s a big part of what makes it less scary.  Even more so, there were areas of our life that we didn’t quite connect.  I’ve told you how important music is to us.  What I didn’t tell you was that he was afraid to take me to concerts, afraid I couldn’t fit with his crowd.  And as for dancing…well, our styles are entirely different.

How has that changed?  He’s already talking about taking me to concerts this summer.  He says he can’t wait to see me rock out.  (Yeah, uh, me neither!)  And Saturday night…he worked on teaching me to dance his style.  I like it.  I’m not great, but I have a lifetime to work on it.  And I think we all know there is something great about someone you can dance through life with.  So fun.  So romantic.  A perfect late night activity.

There are other aspects of this new change that make it very scary for me.  I’m worrying right now about finding someone to take over my apartment.  The reality is that we save more money living together.  And we need that money to pay for things like the wedding, the honeymoon, the new roof, finishing the fence…and if I really thought about it, I could make myself crazy over all that needs to be done.

On the apartment front…well, there are people that have been in touch with me.  Yes, I turned once more to Craiglist.  Amazing that I still trust Craig, huh?  I mean, so far he’s yielded me two stalkers.  On the other hand, he helped me get rid of the hot tub, sell some items, and increased my blog traffic.  So, Craig and I have a somewhat mottled past.  And I still give him the benefit of the doubt.  I’m thinking he’ll come through this time.  I’m due.  Fingers crossed!

The one area that I’m struggling with…staying organized.  I feel like I’m being pulled so many different directions that it’s exhausting.  I do much better when I only have to focus on one or two things.  Right now…

• finding a renter ( we know how good I am at that…)
• losing weight (down 7 lbs in just under a week!)
• packing and moving (thought I’d lump them together so you don’t get overwhelmed)
• relationship with HIM (don’t ever get too comfortable or take a relationship for granted; they require work every day)
• planning a wedding
• planning a honeymoon
• continuing to be an involved mom, maintaining the amazing relationship I have with the kids
• helping the relationship between HIM and the kids to progress
• training everyone on working with the puppy-cow
• minor remodeling of the house prior to the move
• working on my writing
• blogging
• networking and friendships with blog family

Certainly, you look at the list and think that quite possibly I am putting too much on myself, but the relationships I have are the biggest part of my life.  How I’m getting along with my friends, family, blog family, neighbors, and of course, HIM, is a big deal to me.  I want everything to be good.  I like peace and harmony and especially happiness.

So, I’m working through things as best I can.  And I’m willing to take any advice you have for dealing with any one of those areas in a better way.  Most importantly, despite the fear, despite the risk, I’m leaping…and so far…nothing but net.

Quick Karma:

• let a worry go
  

Posted in Reflections | 10 Comments »

Yeah…about the new guy…

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

It’s funny because the moment everyone gets over their shock about the engagement, the complete and utter reconciliation between me and HIM, the next question is usually…about the new guy.

Sure, he seemed really promising.  He was attentive.  He was devoted.  He was nice.  He texted and called.  It was…nice.

And sure, a relationship seemed to be developing between us, even though I kept telling everyone I only wanted a distraction to help me forget about HIM.  (As if I could ever forget about HIM.)  And it was nice having a distraction.

Only, my distraction wasn’t what I thought he was and he was turning me into something I didn’t ever want to be.  See, the new guy…was still married.  Okay.  When he revealed that, I tried not to judge too much, since I was still married when I began dating HIM.

Only, I began to question why he would come over after work at say…4am and stay for an hour and leave, never asking about staying over.  I began to wonder…because while I had been technically still married, I stayed with HIM.  The ex and I were at least working on separating and had a deadline in place…all that.  So, I was single enough to have my own life.

That’s when I found out that he was not only still married, but still living together and no one even had plans for moving out.  And I began to suspect that I was *gulp* the other woman.  Wouldn’t that be just my luck, though.  Yeah.  And we hadn’t had a chance to talk about it, but we did have plans to spend the entire day together the Wednesday after Valentine’s Day.  I was planning on going over all of that then.

So, he was spending Valentine’s weekend with his family…as he should.  And I was spending it with my kids…as I should.  And that’s when I ran into HIM and all my plans were changed, my whole life was changed.  Good changes.

Needless to say, while I was dreading telling the new guy, I wasn’t exactly broken up about it since…well, he had a wife and family.  Only he called a few times and I couldn’t talk to him since I was with HIM.  And I figured we’d simply speak on Monday.

Yeah.  Monday.  It was ridiculously busy.  I missed his call and didn’t even realize it.  He was bothered that we hadn’t really spoken in days and decided to surprise me at my office.

He showed up and saw me talking on the phone.  Can you picture it?  And I’m wearing my engagement ring.  He looked baffled, then bothered, then angry and left.  I called him as soon as I had a break.

me: Can you talk?

NG: Yeah, let’s talk about the ring on your finger.

He was a bit angry and hurt that I had gone off and gotten engaged.  He felt a connection between us.  I assure you it was one-sided.  I liked him, but I wasn’t feeling any connection.

Wait…this is the best part…he was upset that I hadn’t broken things off with him before I decided to marry HIM.  Yup.  The married man who was trying to turn me into his mistress was mad that I hadn’t broken off things with him before I decided to marry the man I love.  I tried to point that key detail out to him.  It didn’t go well.

And since…I’ve had texts and phone calls.  He claims to miss me.  And I am doing nothing to encourage him.  I am not answering or responding.  He pops by the office on occasion and I’m polite, which is cold for me.  Luckily, things seem to have stopped.  Lucky for him, that is, because the man I’m marrying would not take kindly to NGs actions.

So, that’s what’s up with the new guy.  Any more questions?  No, really.  I’m feeling chatty.  Ask me and I’ll spend a post on the answers.  Just drop your question in a comment or email me at thenicknick@ymail.com

And if you haven’t entered yet…leave a comment to be entered to win a lip gloss.

Quick Karma:

• always try to be open with others so that they will be open with you
  

Posted in Reflections | 10 Comments »

My first giveaway!

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Bare Escentuals new campaign has women rethinking going bare in public.  And right now they are in the middle of a weekly contest.

Go to RethinkWhatMatters to enter.  It’s simple.  Answer five thought provoking, conversation stimulating questions on a given topic.  This week the topic of conversation is ”Rethink finding yourself.”  You could win a Smokey Eye Kit.  (And we all know that smokey eyes are all the rage!)

And when you’re done there come back and enter my giveaway…

I’m so very excited!  And you should be, too.  See, Bare Escentuals gave me a free lip gloss…wait for it…and one to give away to a lucky reader!

By now, you should know I’m a big fan of contests and giveaways.  And I’ve always wanted to host one.  It makes me feel so big!  The best part is, I’m a HUGE fan of lip gloss.  I don’t wear much makeup.  (Seriously, what beauty regimen?)  And yet I love my mineral makeup.

Bare Escentuals is a big believer in going bare…and so am I.  So I’m really excited about this lip gloss.  First, it’s 100% natural…or as I like to think of it…Rachel Approved.  I went to the link they gave me, telling me all about the lip gloss and discovered that they use “natural oils, butters, flower extracts and mineral colorants.”  And, just as important…the result is a buttery texture for supple lips and optimal color.   Oh, and it’s vanilla scented!

So, if you are interested in winning what promises to be my new favorite lip gloss, here’s what you have to do…

1. Leave a comment on my blog telling me what you are doing about finding yourself.  (Hey, I’m on a journey of self-discovery and self-improvement, right?)

Oh, and would you look at that?  That’s it!  I like simple contests.  However…if you are on Twitter…I’d love it if you’d take a moment to follow me @thenicknick.

The contest will close on Friday, February 26th at midnight, EST.  The winner will be selected by Random.org.  I’ll notify you by email, so be watching!  I have to send in your color selection on Sunday, February 28th.

Can’t wait to read your comments!  And good luck to all of you.

PS. Feel free to spread the word.  Re-tweet away!  Facebook share.  However you share news…get on it!

Posted in Big News!!!! | 15 Comments »

If I were a superstitious woman…

Sunday, February 21st, 2010

I’d be packing it in and giving back the ring.

Yup.  I just broke a mirror.  It was one of Rachel’s favorites. (Of course it is, she salvaged it while dumpster diving and then wrote on it…one of her favorite past times.)  So, don’t tell.  Somehow, I’ll break it to her gently.

Anyway…when it landed…I knew it was broken.  I just knew it.  And I wasn’t filled with a sense of foreboding, nor did I feel a dark cloud take up permanent residence over my head.  I smiled.  See, I am used to bad luck.  I have been told previously that if I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.  And they were right.

If it could go wrong for me, it would.  And it still does.  I mean, who else carelessly, accidentally, throws out her daughter’s life.  Probably only me.  Sometimes, I make my own bad luck.  At the same time, I recognize that if I can make bad luck, then I surely can make good luck.  And that’s what I focus on.

That’s what helps me hold it together.  It is often a struggle to find that silver lining.  It’s all about determination and choosing happiness.

That’s what I’m doing.  Rachel Sarah over at Single Mom Seeking has a thought provoking  post about living with someone before marriage.  And it made me think.  See, we did this before…the whole live together thing.  It didn’t go well at times which resulted in the inevitable blow out and my move out.

We had a long talk over Christmas, sorting through our issues, figuring out what went wrong.  Well, for one, we moved in with an out, a window, a trap door, an exit option.  We moved in saying we’d give it six months, see if we were happy, and re-evaluate from there.  So, I had a happiness deadline that loomed over me, a blinking dead light going off in my brain.

How do you focus on living if you are living in fear?  Yeah, it was a struggle.  So, I did what I do.  I overcompensated.  I did more and more to make him happy, only instead there was a negative outcome.  It made him uncomfortable.  He felt like he was losing himself, and I was already lost.

How do you fix that?  Well, this time, obviously, there’s no deadline.  There’s no ticking time bomb, no countdown clock.  This time we’re going into it expecting for it to just be us for the long haul.  As much as I relish that, as much as it’s what I always wanted, it still takes some adjusting to.  And we discussed that last night.

me: What are you thinking?

HIM: I’m just getting used to the idea of forever.  I’ve never had forever before.  I never wanted forever before you.

I love forever.  Forever means it’s safe to make plans…even months or years into the future.  Forever means that I can relax and be myself.  Good news…it’s the real me that he likes best, always has.  Now he’ll have forever to enjoy me.  And I can’t adequately express how liberating that is any more than he can express his feelings at times.

Too often, he’ll say things the wrong way, the only way he knows how.  And last night, it happened.

me: That’s it.  I’m going home.

And he had that stricken look gripped by fear, worried that he was going to lose me already.  He was about to open his mouth when he saw the look on my face.  I was smiling.

me: That’s right.  I’ll be in the master bedroom.

I’m home now.  I used to tell him that wherever we were together was home.  I would tell him that when he wrapped me in a magic hug, it felt like home.  All my problems faded away.  And he tells me that, too.  More than what he says, he shows me consistently where he stands.

He talked wedding cakes with me last night.  (Vicki, we’ll call you!)  And he gave me back my house key.  He smiles when he sees me moving things back in.  He includes me in the areas of his life that used to be off limits.  We’re making plans.

Nothing that we have going on is going to be derailed by a broken mirror.  It won’t be changed by a black cat crossing my path or if I walk under a ladder.  (And there are LOADS of ladders around.  He’s a contractor.)  I don’t have to scoop up spilled salt and fling it over my shoulder, which is just as well, since I could never remember which shoulder it was supposed to be flung over.  And I could care less about knocking on wood.

Yup, we make our own luck.  Give it a try.

Posted in Reflections | 17 Comments »

It was the perfect proposal…

Saturday, February 20th, 2010

People have been commenting lately that so many of my creative writing pieces come true that I should write myself rich.  And I laugh, but I’m also beginning to wonder if there isn’t something to that.  I mean, last year, I wrote this short story for Sam.  And…now it was coming true…almost identical to the story.  Seriously.  And if you don’t believe me, you can compare.

HIM: Yes, it does come with a question.

He cleared his throat.

And I would love to give you all the exact words from this proposal, but I was too busy processing it and feeling it and experiencing it to be able to exactly recreate it.  And…it was intensely personal, meant for me, and me alone.  (At least I’m giving you a peek.)  Suffice it to say, it went something like this…

HIM: Nicki, I am so sorry for all the hurt and pain I’ve caused you.  I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.

He explained that he had tried dating other women, but no one compared to me.  He could never have with any of them what he had with me.  He was ready to be a husband and a step-father.  And there was so much more, so many beautiful words from a man who claims words are not his friends.

He closed with that all important question and how could I respond with anything but ‘yes’ ?  I couldn’t.  This is what I had always wanted.  I wanted Happily Forever After with him.  All I’ve ever wanted is to be with him.

He asked if he could put the ring on my finger.   And I let him.  And though the ring, a family heirloom, is nowhere near the right size, the man is a perfect fit.

HIM: I went and saw my dad.  I had to get his permission and the ring.  He asked me a lot of questions.  He was concerned.  But after I explained everything to him, he approved.

So, yeah, I love the ring.  He wanted it to be a temporary ring and buy me one of my own, but I talked him out of it.

me: This ring is beautiful.  And it is so special to me because it comes with your father’s approval, and it was your grandmother’s ring.  No other ring could mean as much to me.

And I wasn’t just saying that.  New rings are nice.  I’ve had a new ring.  I love that this ring comes with history, part of his history.  I love that this ring has meaning other than that it simply binds me to him.  I love that it makes me feel part of his family.  I love that he entrusted it to me.  I love that he entrusted his heart to me.

And so we’re planning a wedding.  I’m a planner, but for me, this is extra special.  I’m getting my chance to do it right.  I’m getting the biggest do-over ever.  And I’ve never felt more blessed, more at peace…

…despite the fact that The Bubble knows.  And there were mixed reactions.  See, they know us.  And they love us.  And they want us to be happy.  Even better if we can be happy together.

Still, while the men eagerly plan a bachelor party for Sam that apparently will involve lots and lots of lap dances, and while the women use me as an excuse to have a wild and crazy night out on the town, they are also placing bets.

Yes, The Bubble has created a pool.  And let me tell you how that conversation went.

Ed: We have a pool going.

me: About what?

Ed: You and Sam getting married.

me: You don’t think we’ll get married?

Ed: No, I think you’ll get married.

me: To each other?

(Ed, Laura, and Kimberly laughed at this point.)

Ed: Yes, to each other.

me: Then what are we betting on?  I may want in.

Laura: You can’t be in.  You could rig it.

She’s right…but then Sam is something of a wild card…

Ed: The number of times Sam freaks before the big day.

me: So, I should move the date up?

Ed: Maybe.  Or…you could keep him drunk until then.

And I actually considered that for a moment.  Hmmm.  He’s more relaxed.  He’s snugglier.  He says the prettiest things.  Tough choices.  And yet not.  Even though I jokingly call him Sybil, I like all the many faces of my Sam.  And I don’t want him to lose out on one moment of the planning of the wedding.  He’s been so involved already…right down to the discussion of the kind of ring he’d like to have.  (He chose well, by the way.)

I like his input.  I like the way he listens and weighs everything with me.  I like how in sync we are with our vision of this event.  It might not always be like this, but whatever happens we’ll work through it.  We always do. We can’t stay away from each other, so we need to make it together.  Hmmm.  Together.  I like the sound of that.

Posted in Reflections | 21 Comments »

First comes love…

Friday, February 19th, 2010

It took forever for him to say those words, really.  I mean, he had a few slips at the beginning…like the time we were leaving Carmella’s restaurant/bar.  I was singing, one of my happiness indicators, and he was watching me with this awed look, this admiring look.

me: What?

And he just sort of blurted it out.

HIM: I love you, Nicki.

I’ll never forget the song that was playing on the radio then.  It was Kenny Chesney’s “Don’t Blink.”  So, yeah, ask me about a moment, and I’ll probably tell you we have a song for that.  Music ranks pretty high in our life.  We have a song for watching the sunrise, the sunset, various intimate moments…all good stuff.

I was shocked, but managed to respond.

me: I love you, too, Sam.

And I didn’t hear it again for about a month.  I was away at the time.  My last family trip for Rachel’s birthday.  He was lost and lonely without me, even though Jay and Spring were around.

HIM: Nothing is the same without you.  I wish you were here.

me: I know, baby.  Tomorrow.  And I’ll be all yours.

HIM: Say it, please.  Say it to me.

And I knew what he wanted and needed to hear.  And though I felt it to my core, sometimes I felt a little exposed admitting it.

me: Say what?  How come I always have to say it and you never do?

HIM: Just SAY it.

me:*sigh* Fine.  (And I took a deeeeep breath.)  I love you, Sam.

He surprised me.

HIM: I love you, too, Nicki.

Then we didn’t say it for a long time.  He was afraid.  Life had taught him that loving someone led to losing them.  And he was afraid I’d be like everyone else who had hurt him, disappointed him, mistreated him.  Only I wasn’t.  And even though he trusted me…fear is a powerful thing.

He went through the “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you phase.”  We discussed that ad nauseum.

me: Yes, you are.

HIM: No, I’m not.

me: Yes, you are.  It’s just different from every other time you’ve been in love and you don’t recognize it.  My love is like a warm blanket wrapped around you, not a rug to be ripped out from under your feet.  My love gives you roots and wings, not stomach aches and heart ache.  Look at us.  Look at all we have.  Look at how we are together.  Tell me you’re not in love with me.

He wouldn’t admit it.  Until Christmas time, the time when everything I had ever told him came true.  The time when being without me for so long meant that he saw things more clearly.

HIM: I love you, Nicki.  I’m in love with you.  My head says we don’t entirely make sense, but my emotions…they tell me I should marry you.

Still, he needed time and space.  I had spent our entire relationship giving him time and space.  Time and space.  Space and time.  Over and over again.  I was tired.  I was worn the hell out.  I was drained.  I needed things to change.  I told him what I needed.  You can’t get mad at someone for not giving you what you want if you never ask.  And the answer I received was silence.

So, I tried to move on.  There was the new guy.  There was quality time with the kids.  There was bonding with my girls.  (I love you, Kimberly, and Jennie, and Laura, and Spring!)  I was happy.  Please note: happy is not the same as complete.  I had my routines.  I wasn’t bothered by my alone time, but instead grew to relish it.  I was comfortable in my skin.  All good things.

But love lingers.  And love lies dormant, waiting for the kiss of the sun to awaken.  And love, true love, real love, never ends.

So, Valentine’s was upon us.  And I had agreed to a date with Sam.  The new guy and I had never said we were exclusive.  (That’s what I’m going with.)  And I wanted to see Sam.  I wanted to hear what he had to say.  I wanted to know what realizations he had come to.  I wanted to know if…what if…

Our plans have a way of changing, so it didn’t surprise me that he asked if we could order in rather than go out.  And since I didn’t want to be rushed through dinner in a crowded restaurant when we clearly had issues to discuss, I readily agreed.  And he was supposed to pick me up, but when he ended up getting caught up in some mystery project and asked me to meet him at the house, I agreed.

So, I kissed the kids goodbye, knowing that somehow, this night would change my life, but uncertain in what capacity.  And I had arranged with their father to come stay with them so I wouldn’t necessarily have to come home.  (Ex-husbands can come in very handy sometimes.)  And when I arrived, I found the house in chaos.  He was laying carpet with Ed and Tony.

me: Hey?  What’s up?

He came over and kissed me.

HIM: Happy Valentine’s Day, babe.  The kids need carpet.

Yeah.  He was re-carpeting their rooms.  Wow.  Only…we don’t live there, right?

For the next hour, I busied myself on the computer.  I wrote my post for Monday.  And I responded to emails.  And I looked around and marveled at the changes I saw.

My present was on the table.  There was a plush devil and a card.  A card!  He never did cards.  The fact that he had taken the time to do so…wow.

We cleaned up from the mess.  We ordered food.  And then, with the house in order and us finally alone, we sat on the couch and relaxed and talked.  It was a good talk.  He kept stopping himself though, claiming he was saying too much.  So, I tried to change the subject, lighten the mood.  We hadn’t even had dinner yet.

me: So, want your present?

HIM: Now?  We haven’t even had dinner yet.  Does this mean you want yours, too?

I shrugged.

me: Whenever you’re ready.

At Christmas time, we watched The Hangover together.  It made us laugh.  And we snuggled…and stuff.  I wanted him to remember that, remember the good between us.  He opened the movie and smiled.

HIM: Okay.  Here’s yours.

He passed me the devil first, but I really was dying to read the card.  You know how much words mean to me.

HIM: Be careful with it.

And I’m thinking, it’s a stuffed devil.  How am I going to break it?

HIM: I think there’s something under the cape.

I moved the cape to the side, slowly, gently…and stopped.

HIM: What’s this?

And he pulled out a ring.

me: So, does this ring come with a question?

Come back tomorrow for the perfect proposal…

And while you wait…remember not to wait too long.

Quick Karma:

• decide you want a happy ending, and try to make your dream a reality
  

Posted in Reflections | 19 Comments »