2010 January 31 | Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Archive for January 31st, 2010

Someone to run to…

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

run embrace It’s going to take some getting used to, but not much. I’m in a really great place.

Ummm. I don’t even know where to begin. So, I guess it started with the snow. I love sledding. I love anything that will allow me to be playful. I like that. I need that. I crave that. It keeps me young.

Last night, after Skyping, I talked the new guy home…after he swung by to see me for about an hour. It was nice, talking all cuddled up on the couch. It was nice having someone so interested in my day. And soon, I could see that he was exhausted. He left just before 5am with a promise to be back around 9am to spend time with me before he went to work that day. Yeah, I had roughly three and a half hours sleep, but I felt great.

Then I woke and tried to get everything done that I possibly could before he came over. It wasn’t nearly enough for my liking, but he didn’t care. He understands things that I never expected he would. He understands things that I don’t. I may not get why I’m not where I want to be yet, but he still sees me as this amazing individual. Ahhh.

So, I made breakfast for us. And we ate at the table. Yes, you read that right. I ATE AT A TABLE. It’s my table. And while I’ve eaten at it before, I haven’t in the last three months, as long as we’ve lived at the apartment. He helped set the table. And he waited for me to get my plate together and come to the table so we could eat together. He said grace. And then he looked at me and wondered over why I couldn’t stop smiling.

Really? Let’s see…without trying, he’s fulfilling all my wants and needs. Without trying, he’s making me ridiculously happy. Without trying, he’s found a balance for us. I still have my life with the kids. And I have my life with my friends. And I’m building a life with him. Yeah. What do I have to smile about?

Once we’d finished eating, he cleared both of our plates. I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped. I couldn’t even move. And I asked if he was always like this. Only, I know the answer. He is. His momma raised him right. And I seem to be reaping the rewards.

We joked some before he left.

me: I’m hoping I haven’t peaked too soon.

NG: Nah. This is just the beginning of your good day.

Only for some reason, I had a sense of foreboding. And my senses rarely fail me. I couldn’t focus on any projects. I couldn’t read or write or blog. I couldn’t even muster up the interest to research anything from my conversation with Rain the night before. Grrr.

It didn’t take long. At 1pm, HE called. And, with a sigh I answered. I think I was testing myself. I kept swearing that with the new guy in my life, I was strong and could handle HIM. Well, the long and the short of it was that he had mail for me, tax documents. And if I need anything…it’s a tax refund. So, I thought I was being smart, agreeing to meet him in public rather than let him drop off the mail at my apartment. (Who needs bad juju around the place when it was filled with love and happiness?) I thought I had this all figured out. Group lunch at Carmella’s. Group sledding around back. Depart from the group and return to my life.

It was a good plan. And I was in a great mood. I scraped my car…which I had hoped was an experience from my past never to be repeated. Soon, I was there, with Ed and Bailey. We were talking and joking. It was good. HE arrived. And soon after that, the new guy called. I had sent him a text telling him that I was going sledding. He was calling to try and convince me to be careful. He didn’t want anything to happen to me. All together now…awwww!

We ate. And HE was seated next to me. And then the jukebox started playing…EVERY song from our past, EVERY song we had ever attached meaning to. At one point I literally looked about the crowded bar and asked loudly..

me: WHO PICKED THESE SONGS?!

One meek looking man from the next table over admitted he had. And I didn’t even know what to say. I shook my head. And then I shook my fist at him.

Finally, we commenced sledding. It was good. HE was really playful, wanting to race me and push me and just really interact with me. And I was okay…for the most part. Only…I wasn’t because I could feel him reaching out the way he always did. And I knew I wasn’t going to fall for that again. EVER. Somehow, by the time it was over, when we’d all had enough of the cold and wet and danger, I had that yucky feeling.

Ed and Bailey left because she was so cold and wet. And that left me to get the mail from HIM. He handed over the mail soon enough, but then the questioning began.

HIM: What’s with all the lab stuff? Are you okay?

me: I’m fine.

HIM: Well, you don’t have this many tests over nothing.

me: I’m FINE.

HIM: Then don’t tell me.

me: *sigh* It isn’t me. It’s from Rachel.

And I changed the subject.

me: How nice. You still care.

HIM: Of course I do. Why would you think I didn’t?

me: Well, you didn’t call. And maybe it is best that you didn’t.

HIM: Well, you recover quick enough.

And I pretty much figured that Ed had told him I was seeing someone since soon his entire attitude changed like it had been weighing on his mind.

HIM: So why don’t you just go meet up with your boy. I’ll talk to you later.

Only I know we won’t talk. I know we have nothing left to say. And that’s the way it has to be, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a little sad that I’ve lost someone who meant so much to me and we’ll never be where we were again.

Once I reached the car, I saw missed calls from the new guy. Ahhh. And I called him back, but I wasn’t myself no matter how much I tried to hide it. He questioned what was wrong. And I told him…almost everything. I told him the most important parts. His reaction?

NG: I’m taking my break at 3:30pm. Why don’t you take your time getting over here and we’ll hang out together? Remember, don’t rush on these roads.

Naturally, I went. And he worked his magic. He played with me. He teased me. He cajoled me into sharing some of his meal. He walked me back to my car. He called on his ride home from work. And I can’t get over his devotion. I can’t. I can’t get over the way he cares for me. I can’t believe that I may have someone I don’t have to hide anything from, but can instead run to for the love and support I seek.

So, I’d like to get all sappy and dedicate a song to the new guy. It’s the song that started playing in my head as I drove home from seeing him.