Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

My epiphany…

Author: thenicknick

In the last couple of hours before the kids returned on Christmas day, I reread the blog.  I know it only spans half a year of the past year of my life, but there was some pretty important stuff covered.  I had a really big year.  And like most years, some of it was good, some of it was bad, most of it was challenging in some way, shape, or form.  I made some new friends.  I found out that some people I once considered acquaintances were actually friends.  I had friends that I came to a better understanding of.  And I had some people that I had to walk away from, cut out of my life because they were poison.

I read back through the year and while it reminded me that I was stronger than I thought I was, more capable than I could have imagined, more blessed than you would believe…I had an epiphany.  And it was a big one.  I haven’t been fair to one person in particular.  And that epiphany really hurt.

See, I pride myself in being fair, and honest, and mostly good.  And at the same time, those who know me also know that I am also very emotional, but I prefer to think of myself as passionate.  I don’t know any other way to be.  When I care, when I befriend someone, when I love…I am all in.  I give and give and give of myself without question, without pause.  And the danger in that selfless giving, loving all in, is that sometimes when things go wrong, you open yourself  up to BIG HURTS.  And worse, sometimes when you are suffering through the big hurts, you may unintentionally hurt others, the very one in fact that you thought, hoped, swore you’d never hurt.  (Okay, let’s face it, I’m talking about myself here, so I might just as well switch to the first person, right?)

I hurt someone I love very much repeatedly this year…on the blog.  We all know that I was broken-hearted when I lost him.  And in the retelling of the events that unfolded, it wasn’t that I was dishonest, just that so much pain and maybe a little bitterness leaked out into my writing.  I was purging, which is no excuse, but something of an explanation.  And the result was a somewhat skewed version of events.

The truth is that sometimes a series of events is put into motion and pride and anger prevent people from backing down.  Yeah, he did speak the words ‘get out,’ but I’m the one who ran with it rather than cooling the situation down like I normally would.  I’m the one who said ‘fine’ and started packing.  And I really did have to go, but it didn’t really have to be like that…exactly.  And he has always wanted to remain friends, it’s me putting the kibosh on that.  And that sucks because he was my best friend.  For such a very long time after I would want to turn to him like I was so accustomed to and share with him everything going on in my life.  Sometimes, in the past, it was more than he wanted to know…but mostly he sat and heard me out, really listened.

He was someone who understood me, almost as well as Jennie did.  He was someone I trusted with my deepest darkest secrets and he never judged me or betrayed me.  He was someone that tried desperately to move beyond his comfort level to give me what I wanted…a life with him.  It wasn’t easy.  He was taking on an older woman and two kids…one of which was a teenage girl who was starting to date and prone to questionable wardrobe choices.  (I didn’t buy them!)  He was expected to go from being a party of one to a party of four and embrace a ready-made family.  And he tried.  I know he did.  He tried because he cared about me more than he intended, more than he could help.  He cares about me still, from what I’ve heard.  He still wants to know that I’m okay, that the kids are okay.

Today I’m thinking about this maybe a little more than I normally would, for a couple of reasons.  For one, there’s the Gwen Bell Challenge topic for today…which was about an epiphany.  And for another, I saw him briefly and accidentally.  I was going to the movies with Laura yesterday.  And I couldn’t reach her by phone to let her know I had already picked up the tickets.  And so, I braved The Bubble and drove over.  I guess I thought he’d probably be at work, since he usually worked on Saturdays.  Well, as I pulled up in front of Laura…there was Bishop.

The kids and I leapt from the car, after I slammed it into park and yanked the brake.  Bishop hasn’t seen me for two months.  And I was a bit afraid that he would have forgotten me, but he hadn’t.  He loved all over me like it was yesterday.  He licked and leaned, snuggled and nuzzled.  Only my puppy-cow was now huge…at only five months old.  He can’t walk through my legs anymore.  And I could probably saddle him and ride him, if not now in a few weeks.  And how much I loved him and missed him came flooding back.

That was when HE came out of the garage with Ed.  And I think I looked at him and tried to explain my presence, mumbling something about the movie.  I was a little nervous.  He smiled at me.  He complimented Keenan on his hair.  He may have even said something to Rachel.  It’s all a little hazy to me.  Then he did something that was in complete accord with the way I try to remember him.  He went back to the house and gave us space with Bishop.  We took some pictures, we pet him and we marveled over how much he had changed in just a few short months.

Too quickly that moment passed.  We had to leave for the movie, but we have some happy memories of our brief time together, just as I have so many happy memories of my time with HIM.  We made a lot of history in a year and a half.  We lived together for nearly six months.  We had a great life.  And I have no regrets.   I told him that once and I meant it.  I told him I hadn’t held anything back, that I had loved him the best I could.  And despite all my tough talk, I love him still.  What we had isn’t something you get over in a few weeks or months…maybe not even a few years.

And if he should happen upon this post, or if one of his friends should happen to read it, I would hope that he would understand that this isn’t simply an epiphany…the whole damn, I never meant to hurt you.  I would hope that he would know that I’m apologizing because if I hurt you publicly, I should be big enough to admit my mistake and ask for forgiveness publicly as well.  Know that I love you and respect you, Sam.  Know that I never meant to make you out to be less than the man you are.  Know that I’m truly sorry if my words, my pain, inflicted any harm.  I always swore that I’d never hurt you…I never wanted to start now.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 27th, 2009 at 8:22 am and is filed under Blog Challenge. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.