Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Sometimes…ignorance really is bliss…

Author: thenicknick

Yesterday people were crawling out of the woodwork with Sam stories.  And today, it’s really eating at me. I didn’t sleep well last night.  All I could think about was him and what a mess his life is right now.  And then when sleep finally came, I dreamed about it, about him…sad, lost, and alone.

See, I know him, and if people are seeing anything…then what they aren’t seeing is so much worse.  I know this, just as I know him, his habits, and what goes on in his house.  If you pay attention, you can learn a lot in a year and a half.  And I paid a lot of attention to him.  I loved him.  He was very important to me.  I thought we’d be together forever.

As I look back at it now, I wonder how I ever thought that, but the feelings don’t change.  It’s hard for me to stop loving him.  I still care about what happens to him.  I know that I’ve talked about how I want him to be happy so that he doesn’t contact me.  And I still want that…both of those things.  I want him to be happy.  And I definitely don’t want him to contact me.  At the same time, I’m trying not to contact him.

I was the one person he could always count on the be truly honest with him.  I was the one who stood up to him…no matter what.  Part of me is aching to shake him up right now, confront him.  And I’ve wondered what I might say.  And I fear opening that door again.  It was difficult to walk out that door last time…especially since I was shoved out, thrust out, with the kids in tow.  I worked so hard to recover from that.  And I have…but I don’t know how to leave him to his own devices.  I don’t know how to stop caring and taking care of him.  I’m a fixer.  And maybe that was part of his appeal.

He was a different person with me.  Maybe that other person was hard to maintain.  He claimed he liked that I made him a better person, but maybe in the end…it was too much.  All I know is that by all indications, he’s not happy.  I’ve seen photographic proof, smiles that don’t crease his face or reach his eyes.  I’ve spoken to those who have seen him and told me that he’s lost his smile and seems a little lost in general.  It saddens me.

Even though it was so long ago now, I still remember the night in his kitchen when I kissed the broken heart tattoo on his chest.

Sam: Oh, are you trying to fix me?

me: You aren’t broken.  What’s there to fix?

Only as I grew to know him better, I realized he was broken.  But aren’t we all to some degree?  There was the nurturer in me who wanted nothing more than to wrap him in all the love I have to offer, yearned to show him the kind of relationship he could have, demonstrate what a family was all about.   Only I forgot that not everyone wants that, is comfortable with that kind of change.  And he wasn’t.

I was too much yet not enough all at the same time.  Sometimes that realization still hurts.  So, now I struggle to stay away, far removed from the situation even though I hear his words echo in my head.

Sam: You always make everything better.  You are my best friend, the best girlfriend, the best thing to ever happen to me.

And yet I wasn’t what he wanted.  He made choices that he thought would make him happier.  So far, no good.  Still he struggles.  At least he stays away.  It’s for the best…for me.  Unfortunately, not having me in his life isn’t the best for him.  I always knew that.  It’s what I always told Jay and Spring.

me: I’m what he needs, but not what he wants.  He’s what I want, but not what I need.

Without compromising, without straying past our comfort levels, it would never work.  We can’t work.  And I can’t fix him anymore.  Ultimately, I will find someone who thinks I’m enough, just the way I am.  Ultimately, I will find someone to love that will love me in return.  Ultimately, I will find someone who wants to be a family, wants the kind of family I have to offer.

For now, however, it’s bothering me.  And today, my soundtrack leaves a little something to be desired.  I’ve got this stinkin’ Boys to Men song playing in my head.  And it’s so painfully dead on accurate that my heart aches.  So, I have to change tracks in my head, find a new soundtrack and heal so I can be ready for the future and stop worrying about my past.

Any suggestions?

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 17th, 2009 at 6:00 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.