Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

I finally exhaled…

Author: thenicknick

It was sweet November before I finally found peace.  October saw me hitting rock bottom.  I was so broken, such a raw open wound that I could barely post, barely function, barely breathe.  Everyone I know and love worried about me, wondered over me, prayed for me.  And what they all wondered that only one person dared ask, the person who hurt me most, was would I recover from this.  For a long time I wasn’t sure.  I had lost interest in writing, which was saying something.  And I had lost interest in eating which was really saying something.  I was merely going through the motions, having become one of those hollow shell people.

The finding peace was something that snuck up on me.  It didn’t happen all at once.  First, I noticed silly things, like I was back to singing again.  I know, singing doesn’t seem like much, but I was singing unconsciously completely unaware that I was doing it.  Oh, and there were other signs that I was recovering, like the smile.  Some days my face very nearly hurt and I was glad I had remembered to moisturize because laugh lines at my age would just be pathetic.  And I took to random giggling again.

In the past, I’ve been known for my optimistic attitude, but as of late, not so much.  I stopped laughing and smiling and was tense.  I’m not tense.  Okay, a little high strung, but that’s just because I’m a perfectionist and I was with the wrong man…again.  The funny thing I discovered was that in losing him, I found myself.

And in finding myself, I found that peace.  Soon, I realized I was breathing again.  It was as though I had been holding my breath, afraid of what was going to happen next, afraid of what else I might lose.  What did I have left, my mind, my health, my kids?  They were what was keeping me together, knowing that they needed me.  While it was being in my own apartment, away from The Bubble, my neighbors, and HIM that scared me so much, it was what truly started the healing process.

Know how I knew I was 100%?  I think it was over the weekend.  Friday night was my first night alone.  I hadn’t made any plans, no not-a-dates, no elimidates, no meeting friends, nothing.  And in the past, that would have frightened me…being alone with myself.  Last year, in the house, it was so painful.  Now, it was something I looked forward to, something I longed for…a little alone time with me.

But wait…there’s more.  I’m opening my heart again.  There is one man that I am dying to elimidate, the one man who hasn’t pushed for it.  In him, I see a kindred spirit.  He’s a single dad, recovering from being made suddenly single.  We have nice talks, when we can.  We share the mundane aspects of our daily lives.  And he listens to my stories, asking questions for more details.  MORE!  He’s a reader and a traveler.  He is, as far as I can tell, a good man.  (Hence the need for the elimidate.)  I’ll give it time.  I’ll give him time.  Things like this can’t be rushed or pushed or engineered.

All I know is I have found balance in my life, my feet planted evenly on the ground.  There is peace in the evenness of my breath.  There is joy in my soul.  My happiness knows no boundaries.  My life makes sense, and more it is ever improving.  And I’m ready to share it…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 8th, 2009 at 6:00 am and is filed under Blog Challenge. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.