Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

The Bubble grows…

Author: thenicknick

It may just be that it’s too soon to tell, or it may be that I really truly am blessed, but so much good is happening to me these days that it’s hard not to be cautiously optimistic.  To begin with, I had a really nice weekend.  I felt sane and happy and well-adjusted. 

This may seem ordinary for all of you, but for someone who is used to having all of her time dictated by her children or some man in her life, to suddenly be able to sit back and look at all this open time with no one making demands on it…well, it can be a tad overwhelming, frightening even.  What if I couldn’t find anything to do, anyone to spend time with, and I was alone with my thoughts?  Yikes!  That possibility, in the past, had me wanting to curl up into a wee little ball or sleep until the moment passed.

Yet this weekend, I was thrilled with the possibilities.  So, I guess that’s how I know that I am where I’m supposed to be right now.  I’m okay with my life and all my potential alone time.  If I have someone to spend time with or something to do, fantastic, but I’m fine by myself, too.  Really.

Thus it was that Sunday morning, after a really nice night out with a new guy, followed by some really nice Jay and Spring time, followed by a really nice chat on Facebook…until 2:30am.  (And then…I was toast.)  I went to sleep, all cocooned in my cupboard under the bed.  (Okay, I don’t really sleep under the bed, but my bed, when not used, tucks neatly under Rachel’s.) 

While I woke Sunday, still warm and happy, perfectly content with my life, starting my new routine, a nagging doubt began to surface.  I worried over how many of my old friends I’d keep.  See, Kimberly and I used to joke, call our constant drama “As The Bubble Bursts.”  And I guess I feared that since my bubble truly had burst and I was no longer living with Sam or anywhere else in The Bubble for that matter, that I had lost everyone I held dear.

 So far, I had spoken to Kimberly a couple of times and Laura only in person.  I was missing them already.  They had become such a big part of my life, these people who lived on the street and were always there for me, like I was for them.  I worried that there would come a time, sooner than I was ready, when I would no longer have them in my life.  And maybe that time had already begun.

Then my phone rang.  It was Laura.  She had been trying to give me space and let me get moved in.  Now she was ready to talk.  And then I spoke with Kimberly, returning my missed call, eager to hear about my weekend.  And a thought occurred to me:  maybe The Bubble had grown.

Maybe what we had transcended location.  Maybe our friendship was based on something more than simply being neighbors.  Maybe I could live a couple of miles away and still feel the love and inclusion that had always been there.  Maybe I wasn’t losing as much as I thought I was.

There’s that lovely line in The Joy Luck Club…

Ying Ying: Losing him does not matter. It is you who will be found – and cherished.

And I have been found.  And while I have been found, at the same time what I have found is happiness.  For the first time in a really long time, I’m happy in my own skin.  I’m not trying to twist myself into a pretzel making someone else happy. 

So, on this goal assessment Monday…

• Happiness.  I’m there.
• Stability.  We have achieved it.
• Love.  I’m finding it in family and friends.  (And I’m giving it, too.)
• Hope. It’s all around me, growing every day.

And with that achieved…everything else will come.  It’s just a matter of time.  And I’ve got plenty of that.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 9th, 2009 at 4:43 am and is filed under Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.