Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Well, it’s Monday…again…

Author: thenicknick

So, I’ve been trying to eek some inspiration out of my recent posts.  Apparently, sad sells.  I’ve been very popular lately.  It could be because my life has turned into a cautionary tale.  And for some reason, people keep telling me that they respect me, that I’m so strong, that I can do this.

The ‘this’ to which they refer must mean any number of things, since no one has elaborated and I’ve been too emotional to ask.  Mostly, I assume they mean life, the generalization of everything going on in my life.  They mean that I can move on with in a new place, grow a new heart, and build a new life.  We shall see.

So, here are the updates you crave…

• I’m finally starting to eat again.  Not a lot.  I don’t have the stomach for it.  (cute, huh?)  I’m not as hungry as I used to be and it hurts…often.  This may, of course, mean that I will soon have an ulcer to report on.  And if I’m going to have an ulcer, let’s go for the gold.  Maybe it can be one of those REALLY painful and dangerous bleeding ones.  (Oh, a girl can dream can’t she?)
• I’m absolutely no closer to figuring out where to live than I was before.  I had intended to have a nice talk with the kids when they returned last night from their weekend with their father.  (I’m trying to tone down the Fun Dad stuff.  Are you so very proud of me?)  Rachel came back sick and miserable.  I’m going to try to move her surgery date because she’s in agony…which pretty much means that so are we.  And that meant that I didn’t get to follow through with my plan for us to create pro/con lists of our options and work through the decision making process together.  (I figured they’d be more on board if they helped decide.)  Soon, I hope.
• I did, however, manage to have a very heated conversation with their father out in the garage when he dropped off the kids.  To say it didn’t go well would be a gross understatement.  It started with him saying that he wouldn’t pay child support for kids in New York and me pointing out that he didn’t pay child support for kids in Charlotte, so where was the difference.  And then it pretty much went downhill from there…to the part where I kicked him out of the garage and he threatened me with court.  So, my court days may not be over yet, folks.  Yay.
• And finally, Sam and I had a talk yesterday morning.  After I posted.  After a good hour of me ignoring his presence.  He didn’t want us to be mad at each other all day.  And I explained that I wasn’t mad, I was hurt over what he had said the night before.  And he told me that what he said was a defense mechanism, just like my crying and wanting to run away to New York.  And I said that those were coping mechanisms, the defense mechanism was the ignoring I was doing before he initiated the conversation.  We worked through it, same as we always do, through communication and understanding.  (I’m pretty freakin’ understanding.)  And I’m thinking that without his constant reminders about his big plans for the house and Bishop once the kids and I are gone, I might be somewhat relaxed until the move…wherever it may be.  So, no, he’s not backing down or taking it back.  And I still have to constantly remind myself that it’s probably for the best, that I don’t want to ride this emotional roller coaster anymore.

So, it’s kind of looking like I have accomplished…NOTHING…this past week.  That simply is not the case.  In the last twelve hours, I have cried a lot less.  So there.  And you doubted me?  Ha!

I’m going to be fine.  This too shall pass.  I can make it work.  (Did I forget anything?)  These words I speak in my head every time I struggle to breath in and out.  I’m sure they are true.  Historically speaking, this is what I do.  I go on.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 6:41 am and is filed under Goals. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.