Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

I never used to cry…

Author: thenicknick

It’s something I was always proud of.  I wasn’t a big cryer.  (I wasn’t even big on Jon Cryer.)  I always viewed it as emotional blackmail.  I thought it was weak.  Lately, I feel like I’ve done nothing but cry.

And as evidence, my face is covered in tissue lint and sticky salt water residue, not to mention tear tracks.  My nose…decidedly redder than normal.  My eyes hurt.  Yeah.  They simply hurt.  None of this is me.

In an effort to focus on the positive, I think about how lucky I am to be surrounded by supportive friends and family…over the distance.  My mother and sister are in contact with me almost daily.  My Jennie calls me regularly or emails.  And then there are those who have left comments on the blog, especially Meredith.

Yet everything leaves me in tears.  For example…

• I cried this morning when I checked my email and my aunt wrote me that when she was asked to make a wish, her wish was for me, that I might have a place to live and be happy with the kids.
• I cried this morning while I tried to explain to Sam the lengths I was going to in my effort to move out.
• I cried last night when my ex told me that he was going to try and fight me for custody of the kids since I might have to move back to New York.  Okay, actually, I panicked and was sobbing by the time I woke Rachel up so that she could comfort me.
• Then there were more tears when I arrived at work and took one look at the concern on Michael’s face.  He knows I’m not myself.

I guess the bottom line is that I’m tired of crying.  I’ve probably cried my lifetime allotment already.  I want to get back to me.  I’m tired of being sad and scared.  I want to believe that everything will work out.  I have to catch myself because sometimes I wish Sam would just change his mind, not because I want to be with him anymore.  He has hurt me too badly for that.  But if he just changed his mind I wouldn’t have to be going through all these hard changes.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m an adventurer and I’ve cultivated that same spirit in my kids.  We are our own Eternal Optimists Club.  Take last night.  I was going to take them to grab food out of a window and then the $1.50 movies.  But instead we went to Harris Teeter to buy lunchables and sushi.  And while we walked, they cheered me.

Rachel: No more turkey tacos!

Keenan: We can eat meat!

Rachel: No more chicken for every meal…

And it made me giggle.  They were trying so hard.  Somehow, even though I have no idea where we are going to end up, they have this unwavering belief in my abilities to get us through it.  Not once did they bring up the question that we’re all thinking but fear speaking:

Where are we going to live?

It’s just as well.  I don’t have an answer yet.  There is much to weigh, much to be considered.  I don’t want to mess up the kids’ schooling, or Rachel’s surgery, or the play, or any of five million other little things.  So, I’m thinking I may have to call a family meeting…plus Sam.  I’m thinking we need to sit down and figure things out.  Maybe I’ll need to drag in Jay and Spring.  Shoot, why stop there.  I could open it up, make it a town meeting, invite the rest of The Bubble.  Let everyone get the news first hand.

It’s time to dry those pesky tears.  It’s time to stop carrying lint leaving tissues in my pockets.  It’s time to lose the Rudolph look.  (It’s so next season…)  And for me to feel better, I need a plan.

PS. I deserve mad props.  I didn’t cry just now when the big boss gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing.  Baby steps.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 2:05 am and is filed under Just Venting, Reflections. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.