Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Get the shunt out of here!

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Rachel had her tonsils removed yesterday.  And her adnoids.  (I’m not sure where they were or what they did, so I doubt she’ll miss them.)  Good news.  She got to keep her uvula.  I think it’s just because she likes saying uvula.  I kind of do, too…u-vu-la.  Ahhh.

The preparation for the surgery has been ongoing…since it was scheduled.  And everyone, it seems, has a tonsillectomy story to share.  Makenzie smelled like burnt meat for weeks following hers.  So, we told her to stay away from Justin, the red-headed tennis playing vegan.  Dan’s daughter had to have emergency surgery once the wounds in her throat opened up and she was puking loads of blood.  (I kept that story to myself.)  Keenan, who lost his tonsils when he was three, has remained silent, given that he had forgotten the entire experience.  And I really think that is the way to go.

My tonsil story was different.  J and I had literally started dating the night before my surgery.  And when he arrived carrying a single red rose and I sat up in my excitement at his arrival, only to promptly puke into the nearest kidney dish and he stayed, I took it as a sign of true love.  (In retrospect, it was more a sign that his partying had hardened him to puking and puking girls especially.)  That’s how we began.  Romantic, right?  I kept that story to myself…until now.

Well, with Rachel we dug deep, wanting to get to the heart of the issue, what part was most upsetting to her.  And I’m sure it comes as no surprise that the fear was not the surgery but the needles.  So, we deconstructed that fear, determined to make the experience manageable. 

me: What if I just have the anesthesiologist come at you with a rag and ask, “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

Spring: No! One word: Vercet. 

(At least I think that was the word.  All I know for certain is that it was this magic elixir slated to make her fall asleep and forget the entire experience.)  Hoo ra!

I spent the night before working once again on my bid for Mother of the Year.  I was going to take her to a buffet for dinner, let her gourge herself to her heart’s content, but since Spring and Jay had so thoughtfully planned dinner for all of us, we decided to join them.  And because the night was all about Rachel and she wasn’t so excited about chicken…ever since living with Sam…I bought some sushi for a snack on the ride home.  And I let her pick the movies: The Proposal and in my second attempt to actually see it, the first being my first night homeless in style with Jennie, we picked up Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

We spent some time trying to soothe more fears.  This time, it was the IV. 

Rachel: I don’t want a needle in my hand.

me: It’s not a needle, it’s a plastic piece called a shunt.

Rachel: Well, I don’t want a plastic piece in my hand.

me: No, it’ll be perfect because then the first words out of your mouth when you awake should be, ‘get the shunt out of here!’

That made her laugh.

She slept the sleep of the mentally exhausted, cuddled close to me all night, first on the floor in the play room, then on the sleeper sofa in the living room.  (And given that we’ll be sharing a room at the apartment, we are only at the beginning of our together time.)

We arrived at the surgical center in the heart of South Park at the prescribed time, but after having no success dropping the movies off at a Red Box.  It shouldn’t be that hard, since there are practically Harris Teeter’s (a grocery store chain) every mile or so.  Yet, the one in Quail Corners was closed for floor cleaning, leaving us out in the dark with faces pressed to the glass.  And then I couldn’t find the Taj ma Teeter, so nicknamed because it is INCREDIBLE. 

Soon we were checked in and working the room, like normal.  We found much to joke about, like Rachel’s backless gown, and the kid in the next cubicle with a case of drug induced giggles, to which Rachel announced…

“I’ll have what she’s having!”

And I took a bunch of pictures.  Okay, it was only nine, but considering most people wouldn’t find it to be a particularly photo-tastic occasion, I made the most of it.  I especially liked the photo of her with her first nurse, Penny.  And I think what I enjoyed most about it was that a penney was the reason for her last surgery.  Long story.  Because I’m telling it.  Some other time.

And the funny thing is that while Rachel and I were laughing and joking and having a great time, which caused so many people to stare and smile at us, once the meds kicked in, she was way too mellow and nowhere near as much fun.  We peaked too soon.

And every medical professional who came in contact with us said the same thing, “Let me know if you have any questions.”

Well, we, Rachel in particular, had one burning question.  And she was aching to ask it.  So, for a while she was trying to flag people down. 

Rachel: (holding up one finger) Excuse me!  Excuse me!

Shocking that no one took her seriously.  Finally the surgeon wandered in.

Rachel: Who are you?

surgeon: I’m the guy taking out your tonsils.

Rachel: Have we met?

surgeon: Yes.  In my office.

Rachel: Oh, that’s right you had that thing on your head. 

You know.  The doctor head gear thingy.  I don’t know what it does.  Maybe I should wikipedia it.  Sorry, no luck.  But at least she had his attention.

surgeon: If you have ny questions…

Rachel: I do!  (And she took a deep breath.)  Why can’t I wear my underwear?

I was beginning to think the IV and the needles were taking a backseat to her fixation with her lack of any undergarments.

surgeon: Well, sometimes in medicine things are expected of us that may not seem to make any sense at the time…

He paused, looked at her, and saw that she was unimpressed.

surgeon: Sometimes people under anesthesia pee and I guess we want you to have clean underwear when you leave.

Rachel: I would have gladly brought two pairs.

surgeon: Well, I guess that was another option.

In the end, she still didn’t get to wear her panties.  She did, however, get to bring both Noodles, the penguin her first boyfriend gave her that she has been carrying around for three years and a new bear, which she named George, into the OR with her.  It seemed like a fair trade.

And they were the first things she asked about once awake.  (George, being the smaller of her comfort items, had slid down in the recliner she was in.)  The first words she spoke, the words that let me know she was pulling it together, truly coming out of the anesthesia?

You guessed it…

Get the shunt out of here!

 

She’s going to be fine.  We went to Danny and Makenzie’s to recuperate.  And tomorrow is the big move.

Posted in Reflections | 8 Comments »

Change is good…

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

I keep reminding myself of that.  This is good.  This is what I need.

See, for a long time after Sam and I would have an issue and I’d be all upset, I’d end up over at Jay and Spring’s to decompress and I would utter these words:

me: I’m what he needs, but not what he wants.  He’s what I want, but not what I need.

And they would whole-heartedly agree with me.  It’s hard to argue with that kind of honest assessment of a relationship.  And I’m nothing if not honest.  It’s probably one of my biggest flaws/selling points.  No, I’m not the painfully honest type.  I have mastered the art of diplomacy.  I’m no social moron.  It’s not like I would say I thought your shirt was hideous, if you asked.  I’d probably just gently suggest you rethink it…as a piece of your wardrobe.

Anyway, I digress.  (I do that A LOT, don’t I?  It’s probably one of the reasons why a former friend used to quip that he needed breadcrumbs to find a way out of my stories…and that if I wanted to make a long story short, I should have someone else tell it.  Miss you, T.)  See…I managed to digress AGAIN.

And that’s kind of how my mind is working these days.  I’m fighting the urge to run to Sam’s house and pack up the things I keep remembering that I left there.  Then I remind myself that I’ll be there collecting the animals on Saturday and that will be soon enough.  And when something happens, I have to stop myself from calling him and talking to him about it because he was my best friend. 

It all leaves me wishing that there was a company, like in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that would wipe my memory of that time period.  Why isn’t there?  Of all the useless things people develop and market, wouldn’t this make perfect sense?  Wouldn’t they be overwhelmed with business from people who want to forget varying degrees of their life?

My biggest problem is my memory.  I remember EVERYTHING.  It was one of the traits that Sam used to both admire and abhor, depending on the situation.  And this memory is getting me into trouble.  And right now, the trouble is that I have to let go of all that so I can move on.  I have to forget all the good times, all the memories, all the moments that were so special to me.  And that is far easier said than done.

So, I keep saying, “Change is good.”  It has replaced, “This too shall pass.”  Ah, new life, new mantra. 

The kids and I keep talking about the good parts of us getting our own place.  They are quite excited.  We have to pick up a few things, new shower curtain liners, new bath mats.  Eventually, there will be new dishes…instead of the plastic plates we’ll be using for now…since I sold the Pfaltzgraf when I moved in with Sam.  I’ll need new canisters…when I can afford it.  Oh, and a DVD player.  The one we had was J’s, and then I used Sam’s BluRay. 

Change is good.  Change is exciting.  This is what we need, even if it’s not what I want.  The growing pains, the sick feeling in my stomach, it will pass. 

I like Meredith’s idea.  I’ll have to have an apartment warming.  There will be no cake.  I still can’t stomach the stuff.  Maybe some cookies instead?  What matters is that there will be old friends and new neighbors and a fresh start.  There’ll be new memories and pictures to record this time for posterity. 

Change is good.  It’s what I need.  It’s what all three of us need.  Time to embrace it.

Posted in Reflections | 3 Comments »

Thought you’d want to know…

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

After I wrote about my friend Linda in Life in Perspective, many people expressed an interest in how she was doing, how her ailing husband was hanging on.  Unfortunately, he lost his battle with the tumor this morning. 

Linda was able to spend the last few weeks of his life with him.  They took one last trip, to the mountains, one of their favorite places, made some more memories to tide her through.  And then, he declined, rapidly.  He waited for his family to arrive, his mother and sister.  Then, this morning, he passed.

I haven’t spoke to Linda yet.  I sent her a text because she was resting when I would have called.  And who can blame her.  I would have been completely wiped out. 

The funeral arrangements had already been made, so I’m sure I will be attending in a few days.  And I thought that maybe, if you had a spare minute, you might like to send words of hope, of consolation, of love to a woman you’ve never met but who has inspired me with her kindness and consideration. 

So cards can be sent through her office:

Attention: Linda

Sears Optical

11033 Carolina Place Parkway

Pineville, NC 28134

 

I’m sure it would mean a lot to her to know that people care.  I’m going to do my best to show her how much I love and appreciate her.  And since she won’t recognize your names, let her know that you know of her through me.  Many thanks, in advance.  (I have the best friends, family, and readers in the whole wide world.)  You’ve all gotten me through so much, I thought you might like to be there for Linda, too.

Posted in Just Sharing | 1 Comment »

A social experiment…

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

I’m doing everything I know how to stay upbeat.  There have been some trying moments.  Take, for example, this morning when I received a phone call from Rachel’s school.  She had gone to a counselor, of her own accord or otherwise I can’t be sure, but the end result was the same.  I received a call from the school social worker concerned that Rachel was on her own at her age, since she’d been kicked out.

It took but a moment to set the woman straight.  It wasn’t just Rachel that had been kicked out, we’d ALL been kicked out.  And as hard as that was to accept and adjust to, it was worse that we now fit the new definition of homeless.  There is, apparently, a new breed of homeless in the nation. 

According to the McKinney Vento Act as defined on Wikipedia, meeting any of the following criteria makes us homeless and the children are protected as such.

After that, I spent the morning in a flurry of phone calls.  I was told to call A Child’s Place.  They have taken my information and referred me to a social worker.  Ultimately the goal is to keep the kids in their schools, find a way to give them the stability we all crave.  It’s a slow process.  Thus far, we’ve managed to survive.

So, yeah.  We have a roof over our head, but we’re homeless.  And everyone seems to be marveling at how well I have taken it.  Makenzie couldn’t believe I could chuckle on the phone with her.  My mother has commented on my inner strength.  And Spring can’t get over how well I’m holding up. 

Well, here’s how I’m doing it.  (Lean in close, it’s a secret…)  I’m determined to be happy.  That’s all.  I’m not focusing on the negative.  I’m searching constantly for that silver lining.  And it comes in the form of all my friends and neighbors and family, those of you who take the time to comment on the blog.  Therein lies my strength.

To top it all off, I was alarmed to note that a decidedly stricken look had taken residence on my face.  And when I didn’t find that face staring back at me in the mirror, I appeared…forlorn.  Neither of those is a good look for me.  So, I decided to smile.  In the face of adversity, during this trying and sometimes terrifying time, I’m going to smile.  And what I noticed, the more I smile, the more real it becomes, the easier it is to maintain, the more it elevates my mood.  Soon, I notice that I really am HAPPY.  That’s it.  That’s all. 

In order to be happy, I act happy, therefor I am.  Huh.  Try it.

Posted in Just Sharing | 5 Comments »

Oh, the pressure…

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

See, this is my 200th post.  Where did the time go?  200 already?  And so I’m feeling the need to make it a big one, a really special one, hence the pressure. 

And since I didn’t do a special Monday post on my goals, since all I could focus on was the move, I thought I might do that special update now.  I’m starting a whole new life…again…and with a new life comes new goals. 

What I’ve come to understand is that everything going on right now, while ridiculously painful and challenging, is in a strange way…REALLY good for us.  

• For one thing, the kids and I are closer than ever.  We work together like finely oiled machinery.  And I love it.  It helps me more than anything to know that we’re a team, forever.  Instead of tearing us apart, and the blame game, and pointing fingers…I have hugs and kisses, affirmations, and expressions of love.  I really do have the best kids in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. 
• It is said in times of crisis, you truly discover who your friends are.  Well, now I know.  And I have to admit, it is reassuring to know that the good I do comes back to me.  See, first Jennie dropped her entire life to come be with me, help me through a seriously rough weekend.  She endured torrents of tears.  She comforted me.  She was the glue that held me together.  (If you could have heard her talking to the guy in Indian Trail…let’s just say that if I go first, I want her doing the eulogy.) 
• And The Bubble has rallied, helping with the move, offering to take in the kids after school since they are currently homeless, checking into services that might help me and the kids through this rough time.  (Thank you, Laura.  I’m going to make those calls.  Promise!)  Then Kimberly and Dave fed us dinner last night.  We had a great time.  They even offered to let us stay over and sleep at their place if things didn’t work out at Spring and Jay’s. 
• And let’s not forget Spring and Jay.  Jay was Sam’s roommate when I first met him.  And in the past year and a half, we have become friends, and Spring has become one of my best friends.  They have gone above and beyond.  And every time I thank them for their hospitality, their friendship, they explain that they couldn’t do anything else.  They remember last summer when I took in Spring and her kids.  They remember the times I’ve babysat so they could work.  They remember that I helped with Spring’s moves.  And they know that this is how friendship works, that it’s not about keeping score, but being there and doing what you can to make someone else’s life better, easier.  They’re keepers.  Better than that…they’re family.
• And speaking of family…my mom, my sister, my aunt have made a constant show of support through phone calls, emails, and blog comments.  I don’t know what I would have done without them.  There’s something to be said for knowing that you always can go home, that you always have a safety net, even if it is 1000 miles away.  Love you guys!

Now for the goals…

• I want to be happy.  I used to be happy  I was really good at it.  People would comment on the fact that I was the most optimistic person they knew.  I’ve lost that somewhere.  Happiness comes from within. I’ll find it again.  At least right now I’m not looking for it in pill form.  I had to go that route last year.  I don’t need to do that now.  And for that, I am grateful.
• Sure, I still strive to be published, still long to lose weight.  And I will.  It will come.  It has to, as hard as I work, as determined as I am.
• And finally, the only relatioship I want to work on right now, other than with my kids, is with me.  I find myself struggling to answer questions I should know, questions like…what do you want for dinner…or the biggy…what do you like?  Seriously, that baffles me?  I should know this.  I’m 37!  What I know for certain is that I love sushi, reading and writing are therapy, and while I don’t really have a favorite color…yesterday orange spoke to me.  I’m not sure what that means, but I’m looking forward to more self-discovery.

In the last few days, I’ve come to understand the secret to happiness.  I know, I’m a genius.  Let me impart it to you now, for free.  (This is no infomercial, people.)  The true secret to happiness is about focusing on what you have not what you lost, on appreciating what you have not dwelling on what you lack, on planning for the future, but living in the present not being crippled by the past.  Now I just have to master it.

Posted in Reflections | 5 Comments »

I’m out…the post not fit for public consumption…

Monday, October 26th, 2009

**Okay…here’s the disclaimer:  I’m brutally honest.  I’m laying it all out there.  For me, this is therapy.  And if there’s anything people know about therapy, it’s that you have to really look at yourself, the good, the bad, the ugly.  I’m not a perfect person.  I don’t know anyone who is.  Rachel…no reading!  Mom and family, you may be looking at me a little differently.  And I almost altered the post, but decided against it. 

Read at your own risk…

Yeah, so I managed to accomplish in three days what took three weeks.  For three weeks, I worked on moving in.  And in three days, I moved out.  It was a hard three days, frought with tears and emotion. 

Some moves are happy, full of hope and promise.  Some moves are sad, full of regret and dreams deferred.  This move was both.  It just took a bit for me to see the hope and promise.

Friday we were tense and angry.  At one point, I stepped back only to find him behind me, picking something off the ground.  I inadvertantly stepped on his fingers.

me: Sorry.  If I had known you back there, I would have stepped harder.

A little while later, he stepped on my feet.

Sam: Oh, I’m sorry.  If I had known you were there, I would have stepped harder.

Then came Saturday.  Or, as I like to think of it, the day that nothing left the house while I was there.  See, when I arrived, in my weakened state after apartment hunting, Sam left for the afternoon with Ed and Laura to go to a school event.  (Laura admitted that she was trying to give me some packing space.)  And then in the evening, Sam napped.  And then when he woke it was too dark to move anything and he was getting ready for a date with M.

Determined as I was to complete the move by the end of the weekend, I wanted to stay and pack if he was going to be gone anyway.

me: So, how long can I stay?

Sam: Stay as long as you want.  You can stay the night if you need to.

Twenty minutes passed.

Sam: So, do you want to meet M?

me: Not even a little bit.

Sam: Well, she’s going to be here in twenty minutes.

me: Guess that’s my cue.

And so I left.  When I returned around 11am on Sunday…I was not happy.  He was out to lunch with M.  And I was beyond pissed.  Here I am trying to pack, and he…who has such an issue with respect and respecting other people’s belongings…let her use my mugs that I’d pulled out to pack and completely consume Rachel’s sick ginger ale, using it as a rum mixer, and leave them not only on the end table next to the hot tub…our special hot tub, but also on my nightstand.  Now, you might argue that since I no longer live there, it’s not my night stand, but since all my things are still on it and in it, it’s my damn nightstand!

And I have some serious doubts about M.  I mean, what kind of woman comes into a house to be with her boyfriend that JUST kicked out his live-in girlfriend and two kids, as evidenced by the fact that all of her belongings are STILL THERE, stays the night and leaves with no red flags?  So, I’m not feeling badly about how the rest of the day played out.

I ignored Sam.  And anyone who knows me or has experienced this phenomenon at my hand may feel a wee bit sorry for him.  I wasn’t trying to be evil.  It was a defense mechanism.  If I can’t see him, he can’t hurt me.  The bonus?  It drives him CRAZY.

And so load after load was removed from the house.  Sam contacted Jay and had him come help.  Then he enlisted the help of Ed and Brian.  After a few minutes, I remarked to Ed…

me: Wow, it’s like the squatter removal only with considerably less heckling.

Ed: Not even close.

And then, when we had one last load, he started to get lazy on me and everyone else disappeared.  Soon, Sam was laying on the couch, so I went over to motivate him. 

me: Just one more load.  Come on.

Sam: I’m tired. 

And then the punching and play fighting started.  And I knew where it would inevitably lead.  Or, I knew where it led in the past.  And part of me wanted to know if it would go there again. 

Sam: I wish I could hate you.

me: And you wish that I didn’t hate you.

Sam: That too.  Do you have any idea how much I’m losing?

me: Yeah.  I have an idea…

Duh.

Sam: I’m getting my life back, but I’m losing my best friend.  I want you in my life forever, just not as my life partner…

And then he said it, what I knew he was thinking.

Sam: So, goodbye sex?

me: Seriously?  I just told you I hate you 

Sam: I need you to understand.  I think she’s to me what Joy is to Brian.  I’ve known her for 14 years.

me: She’s not the one.

Sam: You don’t think so? You are?

me: Nope.  Too late for that.  But if she was the one, you wouldn’t still want me.

His eyes opened wide as he looked at me.

Sam: You were trying to make a point.

I shrugged. 

me: Just remember I’m the most honest person you know.

So we followed through with the rest of our plan.  We loaded the rest of my things and dropped them off.  And then we had our cleansing ceremony.  Okay, that’s just a fancy name for the bonfire where I burned things that needed to be burned…like the red sheets that I bought for us…and the Guiness jammies I bought and wore just for him.  What did he burn?  A bag of lint that came from all the laundry I did.

After it was all but consumed in flames, I felt better.  I was smiling.  And I was ready to go.

me: Can you get me the baking dish I couldn’t reach?

Sam: Aren’t you going to stay for a while?

Ed was on the other side of Sam shaking his head.  I smiled and nodded.

me: Nope.

And I left.  That picture…perfect.  That’s how I will always remember him, staring sadly at the fire that consumed our past.

Posted in Reflections | 4 Comments »

Finally success…

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

    Here it is…our new home, as of Saturday.  That’s right.  We’ll be moving on Halloween, two short days after Rachel has her tonsils and adnoids removed.  At least she’ll get to convalesce at the new apartment.  I know, it’s not ideal, but neither was the alternative. 

See, when I told you that Jennie and I planned to be all business, I wasn’t kidding.  We left the hotel by 8:30am, then drove to my office.  I had inadvertantly taken the office phone with me when I left in a rush on Friday.  And Michael wanted to meet Jennie.  His reaction…

Michael: Wow, when Nicole said that you two looked alike, she wasn’t kidding. 

And then we drove to Home Depot where Jennie bought me boxes and packing tape since we couldn’t get any for free from the mall. Next was a stop at PetSmart so that the babbit could have a non-leaking water bottle.  Way more effective than the current method of filling the bottle daily.  So, it was purchase a new water bottle or sign the babbit up for swimming lessons.

Then we drove to Indian Trail to see the house that was well within my price range but far from my office, the kids’ schools, and all of our friends.  The house was amazing, all 4000 square feet of it.  And we would have had our choice of bedrooms.  And the entire third floor was devoted to entertainment with the pool table, foosball table, air hockey, and home theater.  But it didn’t feel right.

me: I don’t think it’s right.  I want to be on my own, if I can.

Jennie: I understand.  The year I spent on my own was great. 

me: I just want to figure out what I like.  I don’t even know anymore.  I’m so used to pleasing everyone else. 

Jennie: Yeah, and there’s something to be said for the stability you provide for the kids on your own.

So, we returned to Charlotte and began the apartment hunt in earnest.  It wasn’t easy.  Money and credit were a huge factor.  And I was so sad.  I cried at the first place…twice.  I just couldn’t see myself living there.  I couldn’t see the kids being happy there.  And no matter how much I kept chanting in my head that I was going to make it work, I couldn’t.

By now it was lunch time.  And I had already spoken to Sam twice.  He wanted to double check to make sure that he could take the kids’ bed apart, that they weren’t going to be staying over there and need them.  Given how things were left Friday, that was a non-issue.  As far as I was concerned, we were kicked out.  He had said it.  And he hadn’t relented.  The second time, I had called him, hoping for some insight into the apartment search. 

We decided to regroup over lunch.  Panera had wi-fi, so we went there.  I hadn’t planned on eating.  My stomach was in knots, and it’s hard to digest food that way.  After I tasted Jennie’s soup, however, it was impossible not to want to eat.  (I told you Jennie’s good for my soul.  If not for her, I’d have wasted away into nothingness…sort of.)  We found a few potential places and called.  I had a lot working against me in the apartment search. 

We decided to go to Waterford Square, right around the corner.  And Jennie was so awesome.  As always. 

Jennie: They look nice.  There’s little balconies.  They seem to be well maintained.

We had some disagreements about how to find the leasing office.  Every street in there seems to be named Waterford something.  You know I’m going to get lost.  And I began to wonder if trading my GPS for the camera was such a fair trade…but I know it was.  I can read a map.  And I need the camera to record my life for posterity.  I know you’ll be dying for pictures of the apartment, tales of the move.  If only I weren’t so stinking interesting…

The only leasing consultant on duty for a Saturday was busy working with someone else, so we waited and gave ourselves a self-guided tour.  There’s at least one pool.  (We were a little discombobulated…)  There’s racquet ball.  I don’t play, but now I could…I suppose.  And there’s pool.  And there’s a fitness center that I just kind of glanced at.  There’s a computer center.  They have laundry facilities on site…if mine ever die.  It’s a nice place.  And it’s all mine.

We went for a two bedroom two bathroom unit on the first floor.  I’m not going to be schlepping groceries up flights of stairs, or anything else for that matter.  I won’t need to store anything.  Somehow, I’ll make everything fit.  I’ll make it work.  That’s what I do. 

It will be the first time I’ve lived on my own.  I know, some of you are thinking that I’m not on my own because I have the kids.  Yes, but that I have two additional people dependent upon me doesn’t make me less on my own.  In fact, it rather ups the challenge.  If I fail, I’m failing them, too.  See, I went from living at home, to living at the dorm, to living in an apartment with J, to living in a house with J, to living with Sam.  And I’m 37.  (I don’t look it, but I am.)

It will be good.  I just have to focus on the good, let go of all the bad.  Sam is one of the things I’m letting go.  As soon as I’m officially moved out, he’s out of my life for good.  No, we will not be friends.  I know it pains him, but it has to be this way.  I know him and his habits too well after all this time.  Having him in my life would only cripple me.  And I need to be strong. 

The kids and I are bouncing around between friends for the next week.  I’m very organized.  I’m a different kind of homeless.  My cart is a flaming yellow Escape.  And our clothes are in laundry baskets and suitcases.  My purse has a little something for every possibility.  In a few minutes I plan to fish out one of the Earl Grey tea bags I gatewayed from the hotel and make a nice steaming sweet mug.   

I’ve learned my lesson.  I had always thought myself independent, that I could take on the world, that I didn’t need a man.  I guess I needed Sam a bit more than I’m comfortable admitting.  And I forgot to have a plan B.  He was my plan B.  From now on, I don’t make any plan Bs based on anyone but me.  I’m breathing easier today.  Nothing seems as impossible or sad.  I’m rich in friends and that’s what counts.

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Because she’s good for my soul…

Saturday, October 24th, 2009

That’s just one of the reasons why I love Jennie.  She’s been my best friend since the first day of sixth grade made us desk buddies.  She’s been my partner in crime, my confidant, my sounding board, the one person I want with me to the end.  Ahhh.  So, it’s no wonder that when she heard about me and Sam, she immediately rearranged her life to accommodate me in my time of need.  Little did she know, by the time she arrived, the bottom would have dropped out of my life…again.

See, Thursday night, Sam never came home.  Oh, and he did that thing guys do…he blamed it on me being upset with him.  And I did what smart girls do.  I called him out on it.  I told him to own his life..

me: If you wanted to stay with M, then just do it.  Don’t look for an excuse.  Enough of the bull!

And then he did the only thing he could do after I called him  out.

He kicked me out. 

Yup.  He told me I had to move out.  Oh, here’s the kicker.  I have no where really to go.  And I have a friend arriving in five hours.  At least the kids had a home with their father for the weekend.  So, he eagerly helped me move all the big heavy items from his house to mine.  Yes, I currently own a 2400 square foot storage unit.

Some may question why I don’t just move back in to my place?  Simple.  It has to be sold by January or foreclosed on, so that would be a temporary and costly at best.  No wonder I was determined to find a more permanent solution. 

We spent the remainder of the day working on the move.  It was tense.  To put it mildly.  And there’s a distinct possibility that I hate him now.  He’s hurt me a lot.  And while he claims he’s hurting, too, he’s hurting while dating a hot young chick.  And I’m licking my wounds, losing everything, currently homeless.

But let me tell you…I do homeless in style.  I called Jennie and we decided to split the cost for a hotel room.  We used Hotwire to book, so we couldn’t be sure which hotel we were getting, which was especially tricky, since M works at one of the area hotels and I would rather gnaw off a limb and beat myself about the head with it than run into her EVER.  (My ego is already at an all time low.)

So, when Jennie arrived, we packed up for the night and left.  And even though I pack for overnights all the time, this time was rough and different.  I knew that when I left, I would never be staying at that house again.  And it hurts.  And I need to find some happy.  Please let the house we’re looking at today be good.  Please let the guy not be an axe murderer, or completely unbalanced, or creepy, or any other bad thing that might prevent me from living in a fantastically wonderful place.  Please.  (Work with me, oh mighty smiter.)

We went for dinner first.

Jennie: Remember, no Sam.  You don’t have to eat at Bojangles.  Where did you used to like to eat?

me: It’s been a year and a half, who remembers?

In the end, we went to Ru Sans, which is a name that has become synonymous with sushi in Charlotte, as evidenced by the long lines as we were leaving.  And then we headed to Harris Teeter to pick up some dessert and wine for the room.  By the time we left, we had a party in a bag: two bottles of wine, a cork screw, spoons, and two pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.  Yeah, we know how to party.

Then, we went to the hotel.  It was the Embassy Suites.  And we walked around and took pictures.  The one on the post is of the atrium where we will be eating a complimentary breakfast in the morning.  Last night, it was our time to be mellow, for me to try to get back to me.  We had a date with our favorite men, Ben and Jerry.  They never let us down.  They make me smile.  They’re always there for me in a crisis.  And there was wine.  And a chick flick. 

Today is all business.  Jennie has vowed to stay until I am no longer homeless.  We may be at the Embassy Suites for some time.  Guess it’s a good thing the rooms are so big and nice.  I am currently enjoying the wi-fi, minutes after I enjoyed their granite and subway tiled bath.  I cried my last cry in that glorious subway tiled shower, or at least that was the plan.  Soon we’ll be down enjoying a complimentary breakfast before finding a place for me and the kids to start our new adventure.  There’s no crying on adventures.  And life is a very big adventure.  Wish me luck.

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Unanswered prayers…

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

This has been such a tumultuous week, full of highs and lows.  And I’m really ready for it to level out, for it to hit cruising speed, for the seat belt sign to go off in the cabin, so that I know I no longer have to fear such a bumpy ride.  See, even as I write, Sam is out with his ex-girlfriend the surgically enhanced sometimes Maxim model for the fourth time in the past week and a half while I stay home and take care of his dog and clean his house, and try to hold it together.

My struggle to find good things to hold on to has truly been put to the test.  I have had some really good things happen.  For one, there was the laptop.  (Never understimate the power of a new toy to put a smile on your face.)  And then there was the call from Gladys at the corporate office, alerting me to the fact that an accounting error had been detected in my favor and she was cutting me a check for $300.  (Everyone knows that found money will put a smile on your face.)  And finally, there have been some amazingly thoughtful responses to my Craigslist ad.  The best part?  My friend, co-worker, and southern mama, Kelly convinced me to contact one of the respondants RIGHT NOW.

So I did.  I’m looking for a home, or at least a place for me and the kids to call home, shoot…feel at home.  I want some stability for all of us.  I want them to not have to give anything else up, since they’ve lost so much already.  Those are the dangers of divorce and breakups; the aftershocks. 

Well, I took Kelly’s advice.  And Rachel’s since we had spoken about it the night before.

me: Listen to this!  This guy has a 4000 square foot house that he is willing to share with us.

Rachel: How big is 4000 square feet?

me: Over twice the size of this one.

Rachel: We wouldn’t even have to see him if we didn’t want to!

And so, I broke down and called.  Now, please understand that I work the phone all day.  If there’s anything I have, it’s mad phone skills.  So you can imagine my surprise when I called and found myself stumbling over my words, the timing of my jokes off, and less than my normal charming confident self.  Grrr.

Still, it didn’t seem to bother him AT ALL.  He was very nice.  He laughed at my jokes anyway.  He wanted me to feel at home there.  Our rooms would be ours.  (It’s a five bedroom house.)  We could walk the place together and pick out what rooms I wanted.  And he even offered to paint before I came.  WOW.  That’s all I can say.  WOW.

Apparently, there is a nice deck out back, just a little 1600 foot addition.  And the third floor is the media room.  And there were other fancy rooms he mentioned.  And my mind was reeling so you’re just going to have to wait for the pictures.  Check back Sunday since I’ll be going to see the place on Saturday. 

Oh oh oh!  I forgot the best part.  It’s completely affordable.  I’ll be trading way up for less money, which is good since I’ve been living hand to mouth for far too long.  He’s not trying to get rich, but let’s face it, I will be jacking up his expenses.

Oh!  And I forgot another best part!  It’s a pool community, one of the pool communities that I once looked at and fell in love with.  There are two pools, one with water slides, and apparently that’s the one he lives across from.  And I say, if I’m going to nurse a broken heart, I might as well do it while sipping ‘ritas poolside. 

And suddenly the words on my cake come hurtling back at me.  I thought that was my worst day ever…the day of the Divorce Party that never was because of I break up I never wanted.  Instead, maybe goodbye is a second chance for me.  All I know for certain is that this guy may very well be an answer to all the prayers that people have been saying for me.  And I thank you for that. 

I’ve spent a lot of time praying that Sam would have a change of heart, that he’d want me to stay, that we’d spend forever together.  Now another song comes to mind.  God bless Garth Brooks.

Unanswered Prayers lyrics

Just the other night at a hometown football game
My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldn’t help but think of the way things used to be

She was the one that I’d wanted for all times
And each night I’d spend prayin’ that God would make her mine
And if he’d only grant me this wish I wished back then
I’d never ask for anything again

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

She wasn’t quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
In her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn’t much we could recall
I guess the Lord knows what he’s doin’ after all

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the good Lord
For the gifts in my life

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs
That just because he may not answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Some of God’s greatest gifts are all too often unanswered…
Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

 

I’m seeing some light at the end of my tunnel.  The storm clouds over head seem to be breaking.  And for the first time in a very long time, I’m giggling.  My mother caught me when I called her with the news.  (And to her credit, she never once insinutated I might be crazy for wanting to live with a man I don’t know.  Of course, given that I’ve now twice lived with men I did know and how that didn’t work so much…) 

So, keep your fingers crossed for me, and throw some salt over your shoulder, and please keep those prayers coming.  Right now, whether they are being answered the way I want them to be or not, my life may just be back on course.

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