Suddenly *Not So* Single Journey

Oh, the pain…

Author: thenicknick

We’re going through some growing pains right now, me and Rachel.  We’ve always been close, but for the moment, there’s a rift.  And hopefully it will pass, we’ll work through it, and we’ll be back on track.

Michael’s not having these issues with Marin.  And I resist the urge to question him, find out what he knows since Rachel and Marin have a few classes together.

me: Remember I’ll be out tomorrow.

M: I do now.  Why is that again?

me: I have the eviction hearing in the morning and Keenan’s shots in the afternoon so that they don’t kick him out of school.

M: (barely looking up from another rousing game of spider solitaire) Okay.

Suddenly, I’m drawn back to when the kids were little and life was so easy.  (Of course I didn’t know it was easy back then.)  In those days I was sleep deprived, a combination of finishing my college degree and raising a baby almost single-handedly.  (Little did I know I’ve been in training for single-parenthood my entire life…)

me: I miss the old days when the kids would have shots and be out for twenty-four solid hours waking only for pain medicine.

He smiled at that.

me: I miss knowing where they are every minute.  I miss them not talking back…even if it was because they couldn’t talk.  I miss knowing their wardrobe was acceptable because I dressed them.  I miss knowing exactly who they are playing with, since I no longer set the play dates and have very little hand in who they talk to at school.  I miss when life was simpler.

Michael nodded at that.  He understands the truth of my statements.  And poor S, he’s mostly lamenting that he never experienced those simpler times.  Instead, he’s helping raise a teen and a tween.

See, I used to be able to baby proof their lives.  I could slap a Mr. Yuck sticker on any number of items and it was understood that they should stay away from it.  I can’t follow them around and slap stickers on the forehead of every individual they should give a wide berth.  The best I can hope for is that my years of teaching and coaching and reprimanding and even some yelling made an impact and they see that certain people should be labeled with that green sticker.

I worry that my fearless daughter who swallowed a penny at the tender age of 21 months that had to be surgically removed, will know enough not to try illegal substances or cave to peer pressure and drink far too soon.  And I’m filled with fear.  I remember being fearless, until I became a parent, then I became mortal.

It was then that I could suddenly look at any given situation and see how it could go horribly, dangerously wrong.  That was when I started to worry about staying safe and taking care of myself because what would become of them if something happened to me?  And I need for Rachel to think like that.  I need her to know that I can’t lose her, not to misunderstandings, or bad choices, and especially not to death.

My mother makes more sense now, the constant worry.  It stems from feelings of helplessness, the inability to control something I so desperately want to control.  I need to dig deep and find the faith that it will all turn out right in the end and that this is normal, that maybe it’s crazy we haven’t had more fights, more disagreements.  I need to believe that somehow, love will find its way.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 at 5:56 am and is filed under Parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.